Hi,


There could be a physical reason you don't feel heat for your boyfriend. I am very into Science and sociology so here's an answer form that perspective: Humans are attracted to features and qualities in others that tell about their genetic code, the way 2 people's genes intermingle decide what body shape the child will be prone to, shape of face, possibility of disease, some personality characteristics, as well as other things. It is possible he's not a great genetic match for you and your body being aware of this resists giving you the positive stimuli/encouragement to mate with him.

A woman's body has a surprising amount of control over who she chooses for the father of her children. Did you know that a woman's body can hold sperm inside for up to 72 hrs slowly releasing it toward the egg for greater possibility of impregnation? Alternately, she can reject the semen not allowing it to pass the cervix or impregnate the egg, if her body determines that he would not be a good choice. Also, in a study of the body's ability for selection: they took two different men's sperm, mixed them in a lab and injected them into an ovulating women. They discovered that her body rejected only one of the men's sperm not allowing any of it to cross the cervix, and allowed the other man's to cross and reach the egg. WOW, the power a woman!

Now, let's say your body doesn't think you too are a good match, well so what. Some men that I have been very physically attracted too were not great matches in a relationship - but the sex was great :) And visa versa. I've learned this about relationships: love is a choice. If YOU ARE TRULY HAPPY with this guy, then just go buy some tasteful sex tapes for couples, try new things and see if it gets better. The videos teach people how to enjoy intimacy together in a loving, open, new, and safe way. It is possible that his sexual style is just completely different than yours - which can be changed through these tapes:) (link at bottom of page)

If you are not happy in other ways in your relationship this could amplify the lack of passion....how's the day to day stuff with him? Do you find him physically attractive?

http://www.gaiam.com/retail/category.asp?catalog%5Fname=gai&category%5Fname=l...

Although I agree with the majority of what AnnaBanana says, I have been in the EXACT SAME SITUATION AS YOU so I have some personal experience that contradicts one thing: if the desire, passion, and love don't fall into place within the relation, the whole relationship will become tedious. Yes, I'm sorry to say it. I was in a relationship with a BEAUTIFUL woman--a model to be exact. We were more compatible than any other relationship I've ever had, even to this day. However, there was no chemistry on my side, and no desire, and certainly no "in love" feeling. Thus, over time, the whole relationship became so boring that I would make excuses to avoid being with her. I didn't understand why I WOULDN'T want to be with her, but I didn't, oddly. Then, I tried to work things out by encorporating new elements into the relationship, and even taking time off, and a vacation away from here. It was all to no avail, as me just weren't meant to have that "spark."

If you can't find that spark now, it will never come, and your marriage will be one of the many marriages that works great on paper, but not in execution. Give a few things a try to convince, if not prove, to yourself that this is the case; then break up and move on. The hardest thing in life to understand is why we so often love those whom with a relationship cannot work, yet have a working relationship with those we cannot love. If you believe that there is a happy medium--some combination of the two--then you will find it.

I, for one, believe that this combination exists.

Well, I've kind of expected these answers, and I was fearing them. Well, my boyfriend is actually very attractive, but I do find myself often looking at other men. This is what I'm confused about...I was once in a realtionship before him, with a guy that I absolutely adored and loved, but the relationship was SO bad that we broke up. Now I have the total opposite...a wonderful relationship, but no desire. The thing is the day-to-day thing is great with us, we get along very well. I often thought of breaking up, but I never had the strength of doing so, because I always knew that YES I will meet somone that I am more attracted to, but I also know that I will NOT have such a wonderful realtionship at the same time. I gues the reason that is holding me back from either moving forward or breaking up, is that I am 1. scared if breaking up I will regret it one day, as I might realize that the passion is not the most important thing in life, or 2. be unhappy in my future life with him. To put it into words, I'm STUCK. I have thought about doing counselling, but not sure if this is the right thing to do. I wonder though what makes happier: A good realtionship with no spark, or a not so good realtionship with spark? But spark does go away with time anyway doesn't it? What Anna said might be tru also, I have seen a documentary about what she said on BBC once.... Gosh, why do things have to be so complicated?

Thanks a lot for your replies ;-)

I found this very interesting article...maybe there is hope :o)

"When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?


Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably.


Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.


It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have thebasis for an ideal and lasting relationship.


Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.


In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.


Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself."


John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away.


These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.


So, what is missing?


Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence.


People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.


Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.


When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense".


"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.


Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.


Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from."



by guest featured writer Toni Coleman

Please read my message VERY CAREFULLY! I truly understand your situation and pridicament, because I am actually living something very similiar right now and have been for a long while now, accept for the fact that I actually am married to the man that I share no desire with. I could write you a book about this, but I will try to make it short. My husband is my high school sweetheart and the very first man that I ever shared myself with. I did and I do still Love him very much because he is a good man with a pretty good heart and I know that he Loves me as much as he KNOWS how to. The problem is that with him, I feel so lonely all the time(even when I am with him). A while back, his lack of intimacy, passion and dseire, encouraged me to find and experience those things elsewhere. I did not set out to have an affair on my husband, lonliness and emptiness left me open to it. What I am trying to say to you is that I am still with my husband, but it is not working out. After actually experiencing those beautiful, wonderful and natural feelings with someone-its almost impossible to go back to not experiencing them. Although I am still with him(at the moment), our marraige is really over. I resent him for not being able to make me feel desirable and all of those other feelings that should should come naturally in a healthy and Loving relationship. PLEASE know that you MUST desire your mate, if the relationship is going to work and not have anyone straying!!! You need both the LOVE and the DESIRE as well as PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!