And some people around here think they've got it bad. You take the cake!

Don't take on a mess that others create for themselves.
You say you feel guitly? For what?


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Codependency vs.Caring


Far too often, I meet people who have been trained to take care of
others before honoring their own basic needs. Many of us have been raised to believe that our self-worth is determined by how well we please others -- typically the people we care most about in this world. Caring for others is indeed a quality of the soul, but not caring for yourself is a decision based on fear instead of love -- the fear that you will meet with disapproval or be considered selfish when you put yourself first. What is the difference between codependency and genuinely caring for
another? I had to ask my angels. This is what they replied....

"Codependency occurs when one chooses to please and take care of
another at the expense of their own authentic needs and desire. The codependent person takes care of another because deep down they harbor a belief that if they don't they are not a good person. The codependent takes care of another because they will feel guilty if they do not. The codependent has been raised or trained to believe that their needs do not matter as much as the needs of others.

Look deep within yourself. Ask if your actions and service to others are driven by a joyous need to share the good you have created in your own life. If so, this is soul-level caring and love. You have created what you require and your 'cup runneth over.' You have so much joy and love in your life you must share because you cannot contain it all. You are satisfied and you find true satisfaction in sharing your time and resources to help those in need. This is soulful giving.

However, if you find yourself giving from an "empty cup" you will be exhausted, resentful, and feeling guilty for desiring time to yourself. You may adopt a mentality of martyrdom and feeli proud of your suffering for others, but this is not soulful. This is the result of determining that you will be disowned, unloved, or sinful if you put your own needs on an equal priority with the needs of others. Sometimes codependent behavior results when a person with good intent judges others.... you see someone that "needs help" and you determine you must save them without
considering that perhaps you are enabling their "victim mentality" and seeing that their soul would be better served by leaving them to figure out their own growth. Serve the soul rather than the personality at all cost.

How will you know the difference between codependency and true
soul-level caring? The answer is quite simple. True caring will fulfill you. It will raise you up into a state of unconditional love and peace of mind, knowing you are being of service in this world while loving self and the other. Codependent behavior will drain you. Some honest part of yourself will feel unfulfilled, unappreciated, or exhausted.

If you find yourself exhibiting codependent behavior, make a list of what is missing in your life -- rest, proper nutrition, playtime, time for yourself. Write down your unmet needs and do not judge whether or not they are important "enough" because if you think of them they are important to your soul. Make time for your needs first, and then you will be able to give from an abundance of energy, love, and compassion.

I printed that out and stuck in on the wall, thanks I really liked that. Yeah mtnndeww I know I got it bad. The guilt is unbelievable. It's like trying to carry a giagantic boulder around on your head. It's a combination of pity, and a lot of fear. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of being disliked or being a bad person.

I kid you not, I sleep in a converted garage just so I can get some peace. Haven't had sex in years. I can't even talk about anything important because he either he refuses to discuss it or it turns into the blame game.

My childhood kinda sucked and I guess I just fell back into what was familiar. I just don't want that for my kid so it's gotta stop somewhere. I'm tired, afraid, and angry but nothing can be as bad as my life now. Crack addicts have more fun than I do.

I know I share equal blame. Nobody forced me to do anything. I complained but I kept spinning my wheels. I guess I thought I could fix him. Now I realize that's dumb. I'm not helping, I'm making things worse. I helped to create the monster. Everytime I take on more he did even less. Now he does nothing. But I quit. Uncle, white flag whatever.

I'm hoping the counseling will help me sort things out and ease the guilt so I can think clearly again.

Advice not really appropriate here as I guess you have been through everything already in your head over and over and hopefully the counsellor will help you explore what you want to do. However, I would make just one teeny tiny suggestion. If you haven't already done so - please let all your relatives and his relatives know (with proof and very clearly) that THERE IS NO MONEY LEFT, whether this annoys your husband or not. At least this might make them stop stealing from you thinking he has it all, AND you'll find out who the real friends are.

Perhaps you may try subliminal programming in addition to the counseling. You can play these while your husband sleeps, or when awake. Program his brain, make changes on a subconsious level. Then study the Curezone. Health of mind and body are idea complements for wholistic healing. The spiritual is a third aspect of the whole.

www.hypnovision.com

You don't need to feel guilty about other people's problems, but you don't know that. You need to know that. Right now, you don't. They use you, and you let them do it.

You need to divorce this guy and work on yourself for a while. If not, you will go out and repeat the same pattern again, and eventually end up in the same miserable spot. If you don't believe this, go ahead and prove me right. You will go and seek out the same sorry kind of loser again, whether you think so or not. Sorry if I sound arrogant, but I've seen this before. Go to your local women's shelter, or any 12 step program and talk to some of the women there getting out of bad relationships. You are not alone. You deserve better, and you need to allow yourself to so so.

Get some counseling, it will help a lot if you listen and take advantage of it. Somewhere along the line, you were taught to feel guilty for others shortcomings, probably they blamed you so they didn't have to take a good hard look at themselves, and you "bought into it" or were in a situation with no choice in the matter. What keeps you hanging around in this miserable situation? You need to examine that very seriously within yourself...

Do you think that you can "change" them? Sorry, hon... but you just don't have that kind of power. Maybe God does, but we do not. Face it.

Or perhaps you think if you "wait" long enough, they will someday magically change and get better. Don't count on it.

These people basically sound like leeches, and they will 'suck your blood dry' if you let them.

Before you will be able to make any real progress, you will need to get all of these people out of your life. If you try to "get better" or improve yourself while living there, they will drag you back down, belive me. It's as if you've become a threat to their dysfunctional behavior, and they will sense that and get defensive. All the dirty tricks will come out... fighting 'tooth and nail' with them. It reflects on them if you get better and they don't want to (which they don't) so they will drag you back down. Get out of there, get out of there...

You gave me some good advice down below this post. I'm the one with the lonely mom. Thanks for that. If nothing else, this experience has probably made you a very sweet and caring person, one who can empathize with people and show them a different point of view on others. Or maybe this is just the kind of person you've always been and that's why you're in this situation. One can only take so much though. I'm sure you are a bit sensitive as are most caring folks. You need love too, go get some! Go find your peace. Live life, literally. Be strong. Have some laughs and sunny days. Go get a massage lady! And start smiling alot especially when you find some alone time. Be well.
Many sweet thoughts for you.