I'm having massive emotional challenges that I used to hush and suppress, but my tactics are no longer working.
I have a rather LARGE problem with emotional eating. Even though my intestines hurt quite strongly, I continue to eat to shut up the voices and emotions that are raging inside of me - but I cannot even explain why I feel them! Sadness, anger, nervousness.. I'm constantly anxious and expecting the worst. I have much to be thankful for, but I find I am so irritable.
In fact, my emotions themselves are a HUGE problem.
I used to write and use art to express my emotions, but I find I lack the patience to use these anymore.
But the eating thing.. is eating me! I eat until I am BEYOND full, and then I try to eat some more. The only way to hush the horrible emotions is to fast, where they fall into a dull but constant whisper - but I have to stop EATING enough to fast. If I don't eat, I feel cranky and panicked. I dislike drinking water, and I avoid the sun, preferring to stay indoors or taking long walks at night.
My irritibility to others has grown to immeasurable heights. I used to love and dote on my pets, but now I find I cannot care for them anymore because of my short temper. I have an extremely difficult time around children - I become angry and find excuses to leave. It's hard because my work is with children, and they express such a love for me, and I love them, too.. but it only shows as anger and impatience!! I'll even opt to sleep in my car in 20 degree weather to avoid contact with children.
I think a reason why I'm remaining ill is because I'm afraid of my responsibilities... which include children and major business work.
It is extremely challenging for me to perform work tasks because I just don't want to work anymore, which is what's happened, because I haven't been working for over a year due to illness.
When I was younger, I always felt 'different'. Isolated. Sometimes I have violent thoughts and though I feel better at my imagined strength, I'm also ashamed. When I was younger, I was often angry though I'd never show it, and even now at 19, I haven't grown out of it. In fact, it's become more unruly. As a female, I rarely crave friendship, only solitude.
Even with my partner I feel as if I cannot provide enough [The children are his - I want to stay and have the desire to marry him because I love him, but the children are the only thing that is making me balk]. He expresses extreme disgust with my self-destructive behaviors that I cannot seem to stop even though I've put many attempts into halting them.
I used to love the environment and journey into the woods and rivers with absolute delight, but now I just want to hide myself in the big city, preferably in my room.
I dread going to bed at night because I cannot sleep, I have odd dreams and I feel as if I cannot escape some grip that 'has me'. My skin literally feels like it's crawling or jumping. Sometimes I'll say things or perform actions that I feel were out of my control - and others have told me I looked like someone else. It frightens me.
I feel this constant need and panic to 'save the world', things like seeing the rainforest cut down gives me nightmares and makes me cry - but I feel like I can't do anything!
I constantly crave change, and begin projects - only to abandon them immediately. It seems I'm like that with people and pets, too. I also have a STRONG issue with jealousy.
Please please, help?
Thank you, Andreas