Hi Melanie,

My heart goes out to you. I'm very sorry that you lost your Mom. In time you will come to peace with your loss.
My father died at 6 am in the morning after I gave up the chair next to his bed to a nurse around 4 am and went to sleep in a waiting room. For a long time I was depressed because I was not there when he died. But, I realized
that what was important were my intentions of wanting to be at his side, just like you. Your intentions were to be at your Mom's side and that is what is most important. Remember that your Mom loved you and her life was a better life because of you and your love for her.

Andy

hi,

i am very sorry to hear about your mother. the passing of a parent can be a tough thing to deal with. i would say to give yourself full permission to grieve, don't hold back, allow yourself the right to be sad and upset, its okay, don't fight it. let yourself grieve fully and completely for as long as it takes.

it is interesting that both of you had a similar experience with loved ones dying as soon as you left the room. do you have any idea how many times this has happened? many many many times. the reality is that for most people dying is a very private experience, and they actually wait until they are somewhat alone before they let go and pass to the other side. this wasn't something you did, this was your mothers choice. i advise you to do some research on this. call someone in your area who does hospice work and ask them about this issue, they will tell you that it happens all the time. don't feel guilty about it, i am sure your mother knows you love her and wants you to have a good life and not be emotionally crippled by this.

i think getting help for the alcohol is a great idea, and i hope that goes well for you. this whole experience could be spark for healing in your life.

just remember, don't feel guilty about being sad, go ahead and grieve, don't listen to some voice that says buck up and deal with it, no you have full permission to be sad and angry with this one.

ff

Hello Melanie,
My mother died two months ago. I didn't have as great a relationship with her as I would have liked, so I am used to simply facing the fact that I don't have any option but to simply accept the way things are, but I will also never believe that she would not also have wanted us to be closer. It doesn't really make me feel better about anything except that I know she wouldn't begrudge me happiness (and guilt is not a part of happiness). Whenever someone tries to CAUSE another person to feel guilt, shame, humiliation, intimidation, sorrow, etc. (self-consciousness) in any way, it is because they are trying to EFFECT a sympathetic reaction (or other behavior). When you used to share time together, this 'CAUSE and EFFECT' interaction was probably part of the bond between you and your mother because she could SEE your sympathetic reaction and you could both continue reacting to each other (relationship). So, don't think she wants you to feel guilty, she wants you to be happy. She wouldn't prefer that you lose yourself in alcohol, but remember, every moment of grief only signifies your love for her, so don't hesitate to grieve (because the sentiment of sorrow is LOVE). We usually think of love as a simple emotion, it is not, it is a sentiment. Never let there be any constraints on your love and never let there be any constraints on your mothers' love. Grieve enough only to accept her passing, and then be happy for the rest of your life. She would want that.

We can know how to react to another person when they are alive, but when we suddenly lose a loved one, it is unimaginable that we can be prepared for that, so don't feel bad about getting drunk the night before the funeral, I think your mother would expect you to be so distrought. You reacted much the same as a soldier reacts to the insanity of war when suffering shellshock.

Know full well that your sense of love is well intact (I think your mother had something to do with that (I guess you are a 'chip off the old block').