Lately my husband is becoming more i... 
#28223
10 y
2,922
...And I'm concerned.
He is in his late 60s. While he never was all "sweetness and light" and at times would lose patience with a situation that irritated him, in the past few months he has incidents where he has gotten into it with strangers. For example, we were visiting a city as part of our vacation when he saw a guy jaywalk and almost get hit by a truck. My husband said to the guy "You're an idiot" and told the guy he almost got killed. Another time, we came across a homeless guy who was drunk and almost staggered into my husband. Then my husband lectured that guy about watching what he was doing. When he started arguing with the homeless guy, I told my husband that I'm not hanging around and kept walking.
I had a talk with him and told him in no uncertain terms how foolish it is of him to do this---especially in this day and age, even pointing out stories of people who got shot or stabbed for doing what my husband did. His response? It's not going to happen but if it did, they would get arrested. I pointed out to him that he could end up dead.
I also acknowledged that there are people who do things that are irritating (to put it mildly) but it is best to move along and not provoke them. Maybe out of earshot, mutter under your breath to yourself, then move along.
So...things were fine after that until this week. A couple of days ago we were walking trying to stay out of the rain and had umbrellas. We were staying to the right and a woman who wasn't doing so, got in the way. She commented that she didn't want to get wet. Then my husband made a rude comment to her and the woman started yelling and cussing at him and he did the same! I told them both to be quiet---didn't work. We kept walking and she drove past us in her car and started cussing him out again.
I was angry and let him know---once again---that what he did could get him killed or injured---not only him but me. Again, I let him know that he should just be quiet in these situations.
He's said that he's getting old and as an old man he doesn't care what strangers think of him.
I don't know what more to do or say as he isn't always like this. At times I wonder if he is having health issues. He already had a mini-stroke and later a mild one but physically and mentally has recovered and is on meds.
I know he's frustrated as he wants to retire but has another year to go. I've got him to put it in perspective, his current job has lots of good advantages that outweigh any disadvantages by quite a bit.
Any suggestions? Not only does such behavior potentially put him in harm's way but it puts a damper on an otherwise nice outing---and I let him know that, too.
Do I stop going anywhere with him? That seems extreme because the vast majority of the time he doesn't have a problem.
I'd love to go to counseling but our health insurance is dismal when it comes to such benefits and with retirement looming, it would mean digging into our savings.
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- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #28223
10 y
1,941
- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #28223
10 y
2,127
This is a reply to # 2,227,315For the 371 people who have read this---
I got him to sign a "contract" saying that he wouldn't do this again. Should he break the contract, he agrees to get professional help.- Seek options for your OWN well-being #68716
10 y
2,003
This is a reply to # 2,227,667
I'm sorry that you're dealing with such turmoil. You mentioned that he had a stroke, of some sort, and this can absolutely alter a person's personality to a degree that loved ones don't even "recognize" the post-stroke personality.
You also mentioned that he's been somewhat confrontational for as long as you've known him. Again, age, health issues, and a general malaise can contribute to a person's personality becoming "worsened" as they progress in age. Is he taking any medications? Is he under a doctor's care? Is he doing anything to help himself, in any way (taking control of his health issues, etc.)? Are you "allowed" to speak with his primary care physician as per HIPPA laws about this?
I realize that he's got the aggression issues, but you don't have any control over this and you're making his issues into your own. And, this is not meant to be read as criticism, blame, or anything negative, whatsoever. Having him sign a contract might feel as if you have a bargaining tool, but do you, really? So, if he breaks this contract, he's required to get professional help? If he hasn't been able to control himself, to this point, what is the guarantee that a contract is going to hold any weight with him, at all? Should professional help be viewed as a "consequence" rather than an excellent option to take as a proactive step? What if he refuses to seek help? What's the consequence for that? It might be a very wise option to consider seeking individual counseling for yourself to learn how to let go of his behaviors and let him deal with the consequences.
Yes, I completely understand and empathize with your situation - you don't want to experience an assault because of his behaviors. There are things to consider, here, and your health and well-being is primary. With him accompanying you during public outings, your anxiety level is increased by a factor of 10. That's tenfold, not "ten." Here's the equation: Anxiety10 + Fear + Control Issues = Emotional And Physical Damage. Stress kills, and this is a fact that medical, psychiatric, and psychological sciences are finally recognizing. You're fearful of what he's going to say and/or do, and what the consequences are going to be. You are feeling as if you are somehow responsible for controlling his behaviors, etc. All of these things can be managed, but it's going to take some serious work on your part, and a behavioral "contract" is a great idea if you were dealing with a teenager. But, you are dealing with a grown man approaching retirement age, and this "contract" simply isn't going to do any good for either of you. He's going to resent you for introducing it, and you're going to stress about him breaking it.
Put in a nutshell, using a behavioral "contract" is what we do with children and adolescents to teach them consequences for their actions so that they learn how to make good choices and decisions. By the time an individual has become an adult, they are completely responsible (legally, morally, and ethically) for their own choices, decisions, and behaviors. Legal adults break "contracts," all of the time - contracts of marriage, business contract, lease agreements, mortgage contracts..........and, so on. He has to want to alter his behaviors for himself and on his own, and you don't have that control or power to force him into managing his own behaviors.
I wish you the very best in this situation and I hope that you consider seeking counseling for yourself so that you can live without all of this fear and anxiety.
- Re: Seek options for your OWN well-b... #28223
9 y
2,368
This is a reply to # 2,227,775Thank you for your reply. If only counseling was so easy to obtain. This is what I wrote in my last paragraph in the original post:
I'd love to go to counseling but our health insurance is dismal when it comes to such benefits and with retirement looming, it would mean digging into our savings.
At best, if he does break the contract, I will insist on him seeing his internist with me in tow. And, yes, I know that the potential for him to break the contract is there. That's why the next step in that scenario (should it occur) would be the joint internist visit.
- Re: Seek options for your OWN well-b... #68716
9 y
1,986
This is a reply to # 2,228,029
I've been contemplating your concerns. I want to suggest that, insurance aside, there are many counseling therapists that work on (you've heard the term, I'm sure) a "sliding scale," and this is just one option. There might be support groups that meet, at no cost.
As a strict aside, are there any issues of substance abuse, or domestic abuse? The reason that I throw this out there is because both can involve addictions, and it might be helpful for you to be aware of this. With people (men and women) who present anger management issues, domestic abuse often is present, as well. For purposes of consideration, all forms of non-physical abuse are more insidious and damanging than being punched in the face because a victim can't point at their feelings and say, "See that? My partner's words did that to my feelings!" It's a SILENT and UNSEEN form of "violence," so to speak.
So, it comes down to what's a necessity for you. What's more valuable to you? Your own emotional well-being, or your savings? Now, that question is not intended to read as harsh, flippant, or belittling, by any stretch of the imagination - online "discussions" lack visual, verbal, and audio information that helps us to interpret. The point of the question is to suggest to you that "digging into" your savings might be well worth your own sanity.
Brightest blessings to you on your journey.
- Re: Seek options for your OWN well-b... #68716
9 y
1,986
- Re: Seek options for your OWN well-b... #28223
9 y
2,368
- Seek options for your OWN well-being #68716
10 y
2,003
- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #21380
9 y
2,041
This is a reply to # 2,227,315Hello,
I am sorry that you feel this way. I am a male and I am like your husband. If you see our side you will see this situation very differently. I totally am with SoulfulSurvivor, contracts are for kids. Adults do need some pointing.
I have always been like this where I tell people that they are doing something wrong. I have questioned this to myself, why do I do this? My kids stop me sometimes and say, dad, why are you worried if someone is driving while on the Cell Phone . What if they shoot you?
All this was answered by one basic fact, I wanted to help people and seek justice. I help at least one person everyday. Somehow they also seek me out. I have been like this ever since I was a young man, although more diplomatic an patient, which I have lost. I am sure your husband will have the same experience. He was curbed so far now he is out on loose.
I changed my behavior when I saw one drunk homeless steal a beer from the display in a store in a mall, and told the shopkeeper, "did you not see this man stole your beer?" the guy ran took ithe beer can out of his hands and put it back on the shef. The police were standing right there with the mational guard laughing and seeing all this unfold, when the homeless guy comes from behind to attack me and I ducked, but kept on going, I stared in his eyes and he backed down, but the cops did not move. That woke me up, I told this to a few of my friends and they all laughed and said hey if the guy stole a beer what is your problem? You should not get involved in this type of stuff. The scene how police reacted stayed in my mind. I also was balanced by friends adding humor.
Talk to your husband about how he is helpful to people, but just point out that being angry and using foulf language does not help the situation, but being very diplomatic and clever helps. I saw a man took some paper out of his pocket and threw it on the train platform. I wanted to say, "idiot this is not your house, pick it up", but instead I said, "I think you dropped something." He immidiately picked it up and said thank you, walked to the garbage and threw it there.
I do not believe this needs professional help, but you can be the coach. If does this again in public then just say nothing, smile and walk away after the episode finishes. Gestures and our expresions teach far better than words. My parents never said anything when I did soemthing wrong, they shoowed me in their faces how disappointed they were, which stayed with me till this day.
BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO WALK AWAY FROM SOEMTHINGS and so will your husband. Just smile and accept the way he is.
Peace.
- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #28223
9 y
1,898
This is a reply to # 2,231,465Thank you for your response.^
And thank you to all who responded.
I had a talk with my husband and told him that if this happens again, I'm going to insist that he have a full neurological work up---and that I would go to the appt. with him.
To answer some questions---No, my husband has never been physically abusive.
And the idea of a contract was encouraged when I called a hotline to discuss what was the best way to handle this.
- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #28223
9 y
1,898
- Re: Lately my husband is becoming mo... #28223
10 y
1,941
