Not every soldier experiences shellshock, only those who have a "heart of flesh" and have the ability for "living water" (it's a sign of sanity that a true human being will manage to retain the ability for "living water from the heart" after growing up in this world of darkness).

Congratulations on being self-conscious. You have managed not to become a non-thinking machine/unit of conformity to protocol and partisanship. You have become a "CONSCIOUSNESS", a living breathing soul....God just made that more obvious to you. Understand this and pay attention in the future to each and every thought God puts in you. In order for us to notice the glories of HIS WORLD, we have to truly understand/notice the failures/iniquities and all of the wicked evils of THIS WORLD. You have found many of the things done in this world to be "grievous"/discouraging to you...

Ecclesiastes 2:17 "So I hated life...".

"He who hates his own life shall keep it..." John 12:25

You've already noticed your own spiritual unworthiness and became sad, disheartened, remorseful,...even depressed (poor in spirit) about it. Well, you know the old saying...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:3, the present inner "heaven" in this age of ETERNITY).

Every day we live the present part of our eternity. Our final 'afterlife destiny' will only be a continuation of what we've decided shall be our present/daily "eternity"/spirituality. If we have a hellish mind, then we already have a daily "living hell" and will always be a small/petty shallow, insecure, fearful "shell of a person". If we have a mind of peace, truth, and justice with a living water "heart of flesh" and we know who we are and BE who we are (a master of himself), then we don't have to wait for what God has to offer, we are presently living "heaven" (our final destiny will be the "city of God").

The "flesh" is NOT innately evil, it is the WEAKNESS of being a physical being (the mortal weakness that causes failures/iniquity, imperfection).

Many believers have convinced themselves that they themselves are incapable of doing 'good' without being ordered/commanded, so they embrace/seek commands, commandments, and orders/rules/"ordinances" (whatever you seek, that is what you shall find in scripture).

You ALREADY KNOW the "doctrine of Christ" gospel of salvation and that JESUS is our ONLY FOUNDATION for the forgiveness of commandment sin, there is no need to CONTINUE TO BASE our worship/devotion on the gospel/doctrine if we are going to move on to a mature devotion,....

......so if we are going to go/move "AHEAD" to a "more excellent" devotion (1 Corin. 12:31), we have to be sure to COMPLETELY DISCARD the 'repentance from sin' foundation that we were taught when we were being "fed milk" and no longer perform deeds of righteousness in order to have a good devotion (neither should we have a simple 'belief'/faith about God's existence,...belief "TOWARDS God").

Hebrews 6:1
"Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God".

As Hebrews 10:26 says that since we already understand the "knowledge of the truth" that Jesus is our only foundation for forgiveness, if we trade our JESUS FOUNDATION for a REPENTANCE FOUNDATION, we "DELIBERATELY" make ourselves transgressors/sinners under the 'sin doctrine' law of Moses (and there is absolutely NO means of eternal purification/cleanliness under the doctrine of "repentance from sin",......(being restored to spiritual cleanliness is IMPOSSIBLE under the 'sin doctrine').

Hebrews 10:26
"For if we sin deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins"....(now learn the "better things that belong to salvation, read ALL of Hebrews chapter 6, and do not LOVE PEOPLE as a means of devotion...."For God is not so unjust".


So, it's a good thing that you are self-conscious about your "shell shock" irrationality and unreasonable mischeif (there is a difference between revolution and rebellion, neither is IDEAL,...Job was starting to "revolt"/'lose it')......God knows when to end our trials, He only gives each of us what we can handle.

We each grow up (learn) a certain amount of faith and are given "varied grace" according to our idiosyncracies (a person CONFORMS to A BOOK, but "varied grace" VARIES).

The Lord will give you thoughts to learn from, but He can mentor you ONLY if you choose HIM as your spiritual teacher, not man.

Verses are from the RSV.
http://www.blueletterbible.org/search/translationResults.cfm?Criteria=master+...