How do you deal with .... 
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13 y
2,048
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So my mother was abused by my father. She finally leaves him when I was 3 when he beat the crap out of her while she was holding me. It took THAT to get rid of him. He's a narcissistic a**ho** to the letter. I talk to him like once a year.
fast forward 20+ years.
I see my mother as a passive, naive idiot who believes anything anyone says. Her brother/my uncle hates me. That's another story. But he has lied to her about me and has said things about me.. he's another narcistic and I see similarities between him and my father. THe only difference is the uncle isn't a woman abuser. Just a bipolar mental abusing a**ho** to everyone else.
The rest of the family knows he's wacked. What bothers me is that my mother has actually believed him over me. For example = Once I was pissed off about something..nothing to do with ANYONE they know. I was bitching about it and then drove off. He happened to be around and heard me and saw it. So after I left, he called my mother and told her that I was such a "nutcase" that I almost ran over a woman pushing a baby carriage.
I saw this woman with the baby carriage, she was NOWHERE Near me!! NOWHERE!! I know where she lives and she was in front of her house up another street. I don't even know how to explain the ridiculousness of it online. When you stand at the end of my driveway, to the right there is another street going UP. She was way UP there. I did NOT go up that street. She called me hysterical and crying saying I was going to "kill someone" and I was just raging. I told her the only person I would like to kill is him and her for believing something that asinine. I told her where the woman lives and told her to go knock on her door and ask her. She didn't and dropped it.
I've been put in other situations where I could've been killed, raped..whatever. Due to this a**ho** and my mother allowing it and not sticking up for me or fighting for me. She's a weak stupid bitch. The guy is like God and has ruined my life in some ways and everything else. My mother watched and just cries and wanted me to play nice and kiss his ass as well and I refused. So I'm the badguy.
Regardless of wackjob Uncle, I don't know how to deal with my mother allowing everything to happen. I feel that if she had to do it over that she would do it exactly the same way and not change a thing. I am now stuck living with her and we "get along" but it eats me up every f***ing day. I hate her!
Last week I watched Uncle a**ho** target my brother instead. And my mother just sitting back, playing nice. Really, how do you deal with something like this? I just bury it inside and can't wait to get the hell away from her. Uncles are useless..but when it's your freaking mother it hurts!
- Re: How do you deal with .... BlueRose
13 y
1,872
This is a reply to # 1,766,980With what you've written about your mother, I'm sure you can see why your father was attracted to her in the first place, given that he is a narcissist.
My mother was a narcissist. Plus she was an alcoholic and both emotionally and verbally abusive. My father would never stand up to her. When my siblings and I tried to defend ourselves against her verbal abuse, my father would take us aside and tell us to stop. His reasoning for this was that if we argued with her, she would yell at him later for hours on end and he wanted some peace in the house! Yup---peace in the house was found by throwing your kids under the bus.
It's been 11 years since my mother died. My father got remarried a year after she did. He picked another harridan and ended up divorcing her about 8 years later. Sometimes he talks about our childhood and tells me "Your mother treated you kids very well." When I disputed that, he said "She was only like that sometimes."
So...like my father, I'm sure your mother doesn't really get it. Although I give your mother points for leaving him, it's sad that she didn't get any counseling to deal with her issues. In the end, it is the kids who suffer the most.
Perhaps it's time to sever contact with her and your uncle. It's not easy to do to be sure, but you have your sanity to consider. If you're unwilling to totally sever contact, at least keep it to a very bare minimum.
My mother used to tell others lies about me. According to my father, he claimed that he talked to those who were told the lies and corrected the lies. Since I never witnessed him doing this, I can't be sure.
You've tried to tell your mother that your uncle is a liar but she has chosen to take his side. Sadly, there really isn't anything you can do about that. Perhaps she will have an epiphany and realize what a liar he is but I wouldn't count on that.Advertisement
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- Walk away, even if it's "family" #68716
13 y
2,736
This is a reply to # 1,766,980
I am so sorry to read of your experiences. Surviving the experiences of an abusive narcissist is a lifelong endeavor that requires a whole lot of time, patience, and brutal honesty.
With regard to your mother's choices, the only thing that I can offer is that the "Perfect Victim" is often the blindest human being of all - they choose to believe that every human being is salvageable, good-at-heart, and deserves every benefit of the doubt. This simply is not true. There are human beings out there (rough estimate is 22%) who live their lives without any conscience, remorse, or empathy, and will do and say whatever it takes to get whatever it is that they want. The "Perfect Victims" of this world refuse to recognize that there really are BAD PEOPLE with malicious intentions right out of the gate. NPD's and sociopaths target, lure, they use, and discard, and that is their primary function in this worldly life. More importantly, accepting that you cannot control or influence your mother's choices or opinions is the first step toward your own healing path. The only person that you can control is you - period. You are not responsible for the choices or beliefs of anyone else. You are only responsible for your own choices and actions.
I completely empathize with your situation - my mother believed that I was a "bad person" because I made the difficult choice to divorce the ex-sociopath abuser. She believed everything that her son-in-law told her, and it was strictly her choice to believe him, rather than her own daughter. My father did, as well, for a short time until I told him everything that had transpired during our marriage, including liquidating our children's college funds to purchase cocaine, etc. I took ownership and responsibility for my choices to go along with that monster, tolerate his brutalities, and cover up for him when I should have filed complaints. For that, I expected to lose my father, entirely, and I was quite prepared for it. What happened, instead, was that my father gained an adult-based respect for me for my having disclosed truth, even when it made me look like a horrible person, as well.
For me, the only solution to NPD or sociopathy is to walk away, regardless of whether it's "family" or anyone else. To me, the definition of "family" is not shared DNA, but being surrounded by human beings who encourage, support, guide, and speak truthfully to me without any hidden agenda. That is the definition of "family."
You may wish to consider individual counseling for a while, just to help you sort it all out. The best way to locate a counseling therapist for this particular job would be to contact your local "mental health" hotline and specifically ask for a few counselors who have experience and knowledge of domestic violence/abuse, NPD survival, and sociopathy survival. There is also a website that is devoted to the education and healing process of sociopathy survival: www.lovefraud.com Surviving malignant narcissism and sociopathy is a very, very difficult process that cannot be successfully accomplished, alone, in my most humble opinion. Reaching out for assistance does not make me crazy, helpless, or stupid - it just means that I am courageous enough to know and accept my own limitations and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to step onto my healing path and move forward so that I will be less likely to be victimized, again.
My very best and positive wishes to you on your healing journey.
- Re: How do you deal with .... #143171
13 y
1,460
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,766,980I am having issues with the "WHY DID YOU LET IT??!!"... It makes me feel No one really cares deep down. My "family" all ran from my NPD mother, and left me alone to fight a Devil I felt was God.
Being on the low end of the spectrum of autistic the "holes" in the stories, the LIES I KNEW AS FACTS never added up or connected.. 41 years of madness. I know it's name, but now My NPD traits are in "MY TURN MODE".
- Re: How do you deal with .... BlueRose
13 y
1,872
