Even though this is the sickest I have ever been for the longest time there have been little gifts along the way that have softened the blow of this.

I have deep gratitude for all of you, of course. I no longer feel alone and I have access to a wealth of information through you all that has saved me from worse suffering.

Towards the begining of all of this a beautiful dear living man appeared who started off coming over and washing my dishes, leaving me notes on my doorstep and singing songs outside my window. Eventually he helped me pack up all of my stuff to move home, drove me here and now, every day, sends me sweet encouraging messages and letters that help me to feel connected to the outside world and to feel loved and cherished.

I'm so greatful for having parents who have opened up their home to me in Florida, where it's warm, so that I can focus entirely on healing. My mother is a saint, who works all day as a case manager for mentally ill people, goes grocery shopping after work, comes home and makes dinner, does the dishes and then gets on the computer to finish writing her reports before going to bed. She's 65 with mild adrenal fatigue, fibromylagia and interstitial cystitis. She also cares for my dad who is too old and sick to work and is so sweet but is often grumpy because he doesn't feel good. Mom, you're amazing!

I'm grateful for my new doctor who clearly respects me, answers my questions and honors my concerns. I'm grateful that her office is close by so that I can easily drive there. The nurses there are amazing as well.

I'm grateful for an opportunity to start from the ground up and for the freedom that that offers me in the decision of how I might spend the next portion of my life. It's an opportunity that I wouldn't have given my self.

So, oddly enough, it feels like it was a pretty good year, after all. :)

I'm grateful for this forum, and particularly this thread Beth - thank you.

I'm grateful for my strong mum and grandmother, who have been my rocks through this difficult period.

I never envisaged in my life that I would be so deeply sick and troubled, just hanging on for dear life, wondering what I will "make" happen next.

It just seems that the deeper I go to try to heal, particularly with unnatural non-food substances, the more tangled the web becomes and other sicknesses are added to me. I was trying hydrolysed collagen just recently (to support connective tissues) and I think somehow it caused a varicose vein in my testicle, which is painful and could affect fertility. I suppose that everything can be healed to some extent, given the love and right approach.

To look around at others continuing with their normal lives and mine gradually slipping away has been truly sickening, especially now considering how fragile life can be (even though we're strong survivors). It's sad to see people positive for me and then slowly become more apathetical as I become worse from things failing to work.

Some people around me sarcastically say "Found a cure yet?" when they see me on the PC, as they're munching on their white bread loaded with jam etc.

However, while we're still living, there is still hope/love.

Life is vast in its lessons and I suppose it's those who are humble enough to continue with love that "inherit the Earth".

The word "healing" means becoming whole again and that's my intention for the coming year...

I'm hoping not to become so deranged or dysregulated that I cannot hold on anymore and the wind blows me away in its unassuming, faithful course.