dear Maya,

Thank you so very much for your kind offer and sending me that material. I cannot thank you enough.

I am very excited to learn what you have to teach me. I can't wait.

I am kind of confused though, but happy you feel that I can definitely be healed and find a new life and a better self love.

I think part of me is very angry for the awful treatment I received at the hands of nearly all family members, the lack of love, and the criticism I received at their hand and thus I had to be self nurturing but I guess I am damaged.

I have been told by my children (who are not very emotional at all and one is downright stoic and seemingly unemotional like his dad) something that might be involved. I, on the other hand, unlike my sons am ultra emotional, ultra sensitive and though smart, more ruled by my emotions. My son does not understand me at all as we are so different.

But I tend to be super nurturing and really go out of my way to help people. Very rarely do I feel I get anything close to this level of caring back. (although that is not why I do it)

My son who is quite smart and insightful told me that he feels even though I do get love most people are not like that and what I feel is love is different from them. (He does admit my family is very dysfunctional, treats me badly and he can't stand most of them).

Even so, he explained to me that because I go so overboard in helping people, am so praising etc that it seems to me I never get it the same which make me feel unloved and which to me is normal love because what feels like love to me and how it is shown has a dissonance between what most see as love.


There is a big gap in how I express caring and love and how others do it who are in my life. They do give small gestures very occasionally, but since mine are so large, to me I can barely even see the love from others.

Also my mom was extremely critical and growing up it was that is good BUT, HOWEVER, etc followed by some criticism. Very conditional and she might compliment me but then follows it up with a bunch of criticisms most unfair or does me a favor (in the past) like loan me money when my car breaks and then yells about it or gets mad and tells me how much I put her out which steals away my gratitude and ruins her good deed towards me if that makes sense. She did some real mean things to me when she was here (I am talking about my mother here).

I guess my son is saying to me I can't feel their love as it is so unbalanced with the many bad things they do and say and don't do and how I feel love is shown. Consequently I feel unloved by my family (who really do not care except a couple honestly not just my viewpoint). When I was suicidal my mom did not care for instance or would get mad at me for it. she often said I have no right to feel this way or that way but I did have a right as those were my feelings (not talking about suicide here but other things).

In other words, their gestures of caring seem so small that I can barely feel it cause my expectations are kind of like if they really loved me they would do this and this. I hope they might respond in likeminded, comprehensive, nurturing way like I do (which to me seems normal but he terms overboard).

Maybe that is what you mean when you say diabetics can't receive and absorb love. I do feel that I can receive and absorb love and do feel, despite my higher standards (according to my son) of what love is do see my children and one brother and dad as ones who truly love/d and care/d for me and I tend to be very appreciative for the times they show it in this way or that, so I am not sure that I can't receive and absorb love??

I am also confused on the things that you say I understand probably but I don't.

I know there is a mind body connection but don't think that it is only that. I mean there is some genetics involved as I have one relative with type 1 diabetes and one with type 2 diabetes. There are things like one's fat cells messing up the insulin being received or even things like animal fat making it harder for the insulin to be accepted into the insulin receptor site which are physical not emotional/spiritual problems right? It can't just be emotions right? I may be misinterpreting what you mean.

Can you when you have time explain what you mean by
dis-ease and it being the root cause of every disease.

I know everyone thinks that overweight people eat to fill the hole where love is missing, but I do not really feel that applies to me that much. I have always felt I just love to eat. I never cared what people thought of my weight and did not act like the average woman I guess. Weight did not bother me the way it does most women some who do not even want to live when I hear them talking and totally being obsessed with it. I always tended to feel it was superficial and one's character and personality was more important so my focus went there.

If not for this disease, I doubt that I would have ever tried to lose weight again. While I am happy I am losing and hope it continues, vanity etc never motivated me unless it was when I was younger perhaps.

I started gaining weight when I reached puberty and had also had a traumatic and scary event take place in our family just prior to that which I feel affected me. My mom said that is when I started gaining weight being normal prior. But it was also just before puberty so I think that might have been involved.

I had Breast Cancer and my doctor told me she feel I have too much estrogen and that causes one to not be able to absorb zinc and that it leads to overweight (I forget exactly what she told me but I did see an article once of these obese women who took a certain type of liquid zinc and lost all their weight but I could never find the article again to see what kind)in order to try it. I have very little sense of smell and I know that is zinc related).

I did notice that when I reached menopause I lost some weight for unknown reasons even though I doing nothing to do so, which I think may have been related to estrogen but I am overweight and that can hold estrogen in your system which I suspect is why I had very few menopausal symptoms.

I also have sleep apnea and I read that that cause leptin to not work properly and that the fat cannot be correctly processed..in other the weight causes the sleep apnea and the sleep apnea causes the weight in a cycle that they do not know which came first.

http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=ytff1-&p=leptin%20sleep%20apnea&ei=UTF-8&type=


I guess what I am trying to say is I feel other things may be involved and not just emotions.

But you know, Maya, a long time ago I read an interesting book that I forgot the title of as I had wanted to reread it, but the author felt that over weight was caused not by lack of exercise and high calories but rather by negative self talk and feelings. I thought it was a very interesting theory.

I know something else is involved after yoyoing the and screwing up my metabolism, I do believe in set point theory and think there is more to it than will power and something more is going on if only 3% of people keep the weight off.
I have tremendous will power in many other things.

If I lost weight in the past, (the one exception being when I did the incurables and juice fasting where I lost and did not gain it back plus more for the 1st time ever) I noticed that once I lose weight even if I eat less than I did prior to dieting, then I gained weight on less calories than my weight should have allowed me to maintain weight on if that makes sense. Then the weight quickly returned plus some.

But you know as far as the law of attraction goes, I do feel I am very negative and always saying things like I hate life (due to having way more problems than average)and I wonder if that is definitely not involved in my depression...kind of a self full-filling prophecy. I used to say I never get sick and I never did. Somewhere along the line I stopped saying that.

I tend to have an addictive personality and I once read a book for all addictions and it said that the addict learns to see things unrealistically for example believing I should be perfect --which is definitely what my Catholicism--(no longer catholic) taught us back then with a heavy focus on guilt-- and that obviously I was not perfect especially given my tendency to focus excessively on my many faults ignoring my many strengths therefore I am awful or crap or something like that.

Another example is the believing life should be fair and it is not therefore life sucks. In truth life and people are not black and white but grey. Non-irrational thinking would be I am not perfect and that is ok cause noone is or life is not always fair somethings it is in my favor and something not and that is just how life is.

Once the person has these "irrational" beliefs often rooted in childhood, from them spring other type of irrationality (forget as misplaced the book) and coupling that with unmet social needs, lack of support, and a few others things they will become an addict what they are addicted to depends on their life.

The answer lies in many things like being one's own inner support system and a support network, starting to live in the grey and a bunch of other stuff which self nurturing is a part of.


Maybe all that stuff does lead to disease. I am sure saying I hate life so much may be related to it being so bad somehow. When I had that wreck and nearly died, I wondered if my negative thinking and death wishes had anything to do with it.

Well I guess I will learn what you mean and I am definitely looking forward to it with real hope that maybe I can change my thinking and ways despite my advancing age. I am open-minded and though I do have a tendency to be very opinionated and sometimes challenging (or so my professor told me--it was really just curiosity and trying to understand in my own mind a concept.

I am open and wanting to learn what you feel I will benefit from and others on here.

So I am DEFINITELY grateful for your interest in my case. I kind of feel lately that some change is coming to my life in a good way after such a long storm of heartache. I hope so, I used to be ultra cheery and happy in my youth and that has not been the case now for almost 40 years. I am long overdue for some good things to happen and I am hopeful they will.

I do genuinely feel I truly do love myself but at the same time I am self critical and hard on myself or so I have been told. I think maybe you are talking about the kind of love the additional book spoke of..the kind that always supports and acts.

Are the emotions really linked so much to every disease?

I do feel that much of my suffering is coming from how I handle it. I am trying to learn to be more grateful and trusting but sometimes I do forget and revert to the old me.

sorry I rambled and I can't wait till your project is done and I begin hearing what you have to teach me/us. I heard the term dis-ease before but not exactly sure what it means.

Also thank you so much for your kind and generous offer and gift of love and I can't wait for that to come.

sincerely,

ks






Maya XX