I shared my advice from the point
of view of someone who also has
been abused. I am past the half
century mark and yet when the
thoughts and feelings cross my
mind and emotional barriers, I
can smell the man's breath who
raped me as a child. I can feel
his hand on mine using it as a
way to masturbate. I can remember
the very nuances of dissociating
when he began to penetrate me
and I was helpless. I was in
second grade and did not even
know about sex. I knew what was
happening was not right. I had
begged my mother not to make me
go to this person's house where
he would have me come under the
pretense that his disabled wife
wanted me to visit. She told me
I had to go. I did not have the
language to speak to the crimes
being committed. So, the point
being that at some point, only
you can lay your pain down and
move away from it. For me, it
never has gone away. The feelings
come in the middle of the night,
or the middle of the day. I will
see the dust through the sunlight
somewhere and think of what happened.
If I turn my head and lay it on the
bed a certain way, I find myself
revisiting those feelings of leaving
my body and floating above myself
watching this man rape me. Yet, while
I will not forget, I feel I have
moved on and for the most part that
period of my life is not where my
focus lies. It was my CHOICE not to
allow him or his memory to re-victimize
me over and over. Yes, he took something
from me which can never be replaced.
When as an adult, it came up and
I shared what happened with my
mother, she wept. The only person
responsible for this act of violence
was the neighbor, and in your case,
this woman. I agree with the person
who advised you to get tested for
STDs. Otherwise, I will continue to
hope for you that, especially as
a Marine, you find the strength
and courage to not let this woman's
crime continue to suppress your
capacity to live and fight for
your peace. Do not make the mistake
either to feel that all women are
like the one who violated you. I
will hope for you that with time,
your heart will soften and you will
find yourself available to be loved
as well as, to love.
Blessings & peace,
Zoe
-_-