Val,

I am going to tell you something that may surprise you, and it is actually good news.  You are not as "different" as you may think.  Actually, everything that you have said is very common among people with panic and anxiety.  This is what we say.  This is how we think.  And we feel hopeless.

I was exactly where you were at a good 20 years ago, although with different issues.  Yet.  I had the same thought pattern as you.  I have found that we all have a very common thread and our thinking is identical.

Another thing that I have found is that the seeds of anxiety are planted in childhood, only to blossom later in life, usually somewhere around our 30's.  Some type of tragedy or trauma is usually the trigger.  And the reason for the development of this condition is our never receiving "love" from our parents or guardians.  From their never accepting us, from their expecting us to be "perfect."  We were never good enough.  Your story is a very common one and it is, in fact, my story.  "You want love?  Jump through that hoop for me!  Sorry........ not good enough!"  You are right.  We were never safe to begin with.  No wonder our lives are wracked in fear.

One thing every human in the world needs is love.  We are all born with the need to be loved and accepted.  When a child does not receive this love and acceptance it can affect their entire life.  A baby comes into this world with  a blank slate.  It is so very important what we write on that slate, as that is what forms that baby's future.  Feelings of worthlessness begin in our formative years.  I have one memory that is etched in my heart.  It is a vow I took when I was three years old while comforting my baby doll after a horrendous beating.  In the midst of crying, I stood up and took an oath.  That oath was that I would never treat my children the way I was being treated.  And I never did.  In fact, whenever I had a difficult decision to make, I always thought of what my parents would have done, and I did the opposite.

The good news, and there is good news, please believe me. is that you can get that self esteem by looking at things differently.  By consciously loving yourself.  Life can be wonderful.  There was a time that I wouldn't have thought this possible, but it is very true.  If nothing else, just trust me.  Don't give up on the EFT.  It takes practice and in your case, you may have a lot of layers to remove.  Keep doing it.  Meditation.  Think of who you would like to be, what would you like your life to be like.  Did you daydream as a little girl?  Daydream again.  Feel the joy, feel the emotion.  You will be surprised how your life will change.  Your parents are not there to take it away from you anymore.  You are grown up.  Just realize this.

And I do realize that the psychological damage caused can follow into adulthood and through your entire life.  Don't let it.  Because the truth is..... You deserve to be loved and to be happy.  And that love does not come from anything or anyone outside yourself.  That love comes from within you.  Then you will attract the situations and people that will enhance your life and give you that love.  But that is only a reflection of what is within.  Again.... Just trust me.  Loving and accepting yourself for who and what you are this very moment.  It will also make it possible for you to reach out and freely give love to those in need without fear of any repurcussions or rejection.  Because the truth is, it doesn't matter if people accept, reject or even trash your love.  What is important is that you love unconditionally, and it begins with loving yourself.  Val, just trust me in all this.  This may be so new to you, it may seem impossible for you to analyze, so just trust me.  And you may think it is an impossibility for you to achieve.  It's not.  Just trust me in all I say.  No judgments.

As I have stated before and firmly believe, panic, anxiety, bipolar, anorexia, bulimia, etc., none of these are mental illnesses.  My firm belief is that they are emotional illnesses, coupled with nutritional deficiencies.  And much of the time if we feel worthless and don't care about ourselves, we certainly are not going to take care of our bodies.  However, even when our bodies are nutritionally healthy, if our very souls have been scarred, it is necessary for that to heal too.  Panic, anxiety, etc. are more complicated than many people give them credit for.  That is why healing encompasses our spirit, mind and body. 

Let me address some things you said:

I am afraid to read O's links. I have done so much research, and in every article and person I talk to, I learn about all the things E-dominance can cause (uterine cancer, breast cancer, tumors, endometriomas-which I had, fibroids bad enough for surgery, etc) that I simply cannot handle it anymore.

These are all "What If's," "what could be."  They are not your reality now.  Chances are, they will not occur.  When these thoughts come to mind, and it is very normal for someone with panic and anxiety to have these thoughts which are actually magnified and devastating, just notice it, and let it go.  And say to yourself, "This is highly unlikely"  because in essence, it is just a fear of something that "might" happen.  And yes, I realize that you have never felt safe in your entire life, and this is the reason for your panic.  Actually, it is a very normal reaction.  We tend to think that a lot of our responses and reactions are not normal, that we are not normal, yet with what we have been through they are extremely normal, and we are very normal.  What we must do is get to the root of our fears and deal with them.  Sometimes even facing them and, yes, that can be quite scary, but once done, we are the victors. 

It is not just the forums that I feel isolated from. My real life is isolated. I have lost what friends I had (either through my fault or theirs), my husband is almost never home, all I have is my cat. I don't know how to change this. I have worked on this with several therapists, and to no avail. (long story)

The feeling of isolation goes hand in hand with a panic disorder.  I remember it well.  It is one of the worst feelings one can experience.  This is also the time when you find out who your real friends are.  I found out that I had none.  But I also found that as I went along I made new friends.  One thing that is certain through life friends come and go in many ways.  I wouldn't classify the departure as anybody's "fault."  Sometimes there is hurt involved, yes.  Just bless them and let them go.  As for your husband, has he had your condition explained to him?  This is also very hard on spouses and family members and sometimes they do not know how to deal with it.  No matter what the situation, right now concentrate on yourself.  Everything else will work out one way or another.  In time, but it will work out. 

 My therapist says part of my isolation is my subconcious trying to make my parent's happy, wanting their love, because they didn't really want me to be happy (sick, right?).

Nope, not sick.  Again what you are doing is normal.  You are still seeking their approval.  I did the same thing.  We want our parents to be proud of us, and this reaches all the way into adulthood.  But sometimes it never happens.  And at some point we have to accept it.  Love them anyway, but accept it and move on.  Hard to do, but it must be done.

"Life is out to get you". And..."it is better to expect the worst, because then you are prepared. If you expect the best, then you will be shocked with bad news, and that is harder"

This is so very interesting.  My mother used to say this exact same thing.  I'm here to tell you this is not true.  Expect the best and it will come your way.  That is not to say that there will not be hurts and hearbreaks.  Unfortunately, this is also life, but the outcome depends on how we deal with them.  What was that song...... "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a Rose Garden."  Drat!  When going through grief, heartbreak, or even sadness I don't believe we should ignore it or pretend to be happy.  I believe we need to experience that feeling and deal with it, even though it may be quite painful at the time.  Suppressing feelings of grief, heartbreak and even sadness causes them to be bottled up in our system.  They need an outlet.  Sometimes that outlet becomes panic and other emotional disorders.  God gave us tears for a reason.

Unfortunately, finding a good doctor is sometimes very difficult.  May I suggest you find a Naturopath that would lead you through the healing process naturally?  You may be surprised at the results. 

I also use sea salt.  However trace minerals are very important, especially with someone suffering from panic and what you are going through.  Yes, take these besides the sea salt.

You are not being the least ungrateful.  Please do not worry about it.  Your replies are actually very normal for a person suffering from panic, anxiety, depression, etc.  We tend to think that we are not normal and so different, yet we are very normal and exactly the same as everyone else.  The only difference is that our emotions, thinking, and fear are highly magnified and tend to disrupt our lives.  We see everybody else as "perfect" yet, everybody has insecurities, just as you and I do.  Once we realize this, a big part of the battle is won.

Val, don't give up.  44 is not the end of your life.  And yes, you can get well.  You just need to find the right solutions.  And you will.  And when you do, it will all "click."

I would strongly advise that you find a Naturopath and go from there.  And whatever you do, please do not give up.  This is just an illness.  But healing is around the corner.  Believe me.

Hugs,

Luella