You have touched my heart because I know your pain.  First of all, you are not to blame for where you are in life.  We are born with the need to be loved and accepted.  When this need is not met in a child, it suffers nothing less than betrayal.  This is what happened to you, and this is what happened to me.  Because of this, we carry unbearable pain with us through life and in different people, it manifests itself in different ways.  I carried my pain in the form of panic and anxiety because all I ever knew was fear.  That is how I grew up.  And you my friend, also carry that fear and it is perfectly normal, because it is deeply ingrained.  That is the way you grew up.  How can we feel love when we have never experienced it?  Yet we so desperately need and search for it.

The good news.  You have just walked into a new thresshold and from this moment on you walk a new life, a new person.  And I am going to tell you a secret.  The love that you seek is within your reach and it is very possible.  You may not understand this right now, so I am asking you to trust me on this. 

Your parents did the best they could with what they had.  Forgive them.  This may be easier said than done, but it can be done and you will do it in your time. For this moment, just love them for who they are.  That's all.  In your sadness and in your fear, love, because love conquers all.

Do you have anybody that you can talk to?  A friend, a counselor, a therapist?  This is very important. 

Your message touched me deeply and I am going to tell you straight out that you are not a bad person.  You have a loving and kind spirit.  What you are is a wounded person.  But wounds heal and your wounds will heal.  Again, just trust me on this too.  Tears are cleansing.  It is allright to cry.  Our emotions tell us what is going on with us.  And I am very aware that sometimes they get out of control and are nothing less than wild horses runamuck.  Yet, these passionate, confusing out of control emotions can be calmed with love, self discovery and time.  Yet, at the end of the road you will discover a brand new you that has gone through insurmountable spiritual and personal growth.

I am so thankful that you have not ended your life.  And I ask you to make a decision right now that you will not end your life.  The future is bright my friend.  It is bright with your children and bright in countless ways that you just can't imagine right now.  Wherever you are standing you are looking forward and with each step it gets better.

First step, and do this right now.  Love and accept yourself for who and what you are at this very moment.  God, your creator, does love you, you know.  You are here for a reason and He don't make junk.  It's okay to cry.  Tears are cleansing.  Cry, as you feel this love.  It is overwhelming the first time you feel it.  That little boy in you that was not given love and was so mistreated, I want you to tell that little boy now that you will love him and protect him from this moment on, and do it.  By loving that little boy inside you, you will automatically give your children the love that they need.

And my friend, point yourself forward, toward a new life, a new future.  It gets better from here.  Even though you may feel at times that you are going backwards, no, you are moving steadily forward.

Please promise me that you will make a decision here and now that you will never end your own life.  Your children need you, you may have others that need you too.  And if you feel that you have no one in the world that needs you, there is someone in your future that will surely need you.  God is in no way done with you.

I am going to send you an email and let you know how I can be reached.  Life is a journey, a growth experience.  This is where you are at now.  Don't give up.  It gets better.  I promise.

Hugs,

Luella

Walkingdead?

I responded to your email.  Twice.  It keeps getting hung up for days and then says it didn't go through.  If you read this, please get back to me and is there another email that I can contact you at?

Hugs,

Luella