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Hi -

You know, I really hate it when someone blames the mother/parents for causing poor behavior, for it certainly isn't always the case. People seem to have no idea that there are some 2-year-olds that struggle with emotional difficulties just as some adults do... and it's through no fault of the parents, except possibly genetics. Before either of our children were even born, our pediatrician told us that there will be a small percentage of children that will be high-strung and difficult to manage, just because of the personality they are born with. And I have two of them.

I have gone what you are going through and feel your pain. Ignore the "bad mother" burden that people will try to put on you. If you are raising your child in a loving environment, providing structure and rules defining appropriate behavior, making sure that your child knows that the adults are in charge, treating your child patiently, and modeling appropriate behavior yourself and it is still not working, then IT IS NOT YOU! You have to find your own confidence about that from within, because relatives (perhaps even your spouse) and even complete strangers will think that they somehow have enough experience to tell you otherwise. And they will think that they are somehow doing you a favor by "enlightening" you about this.

Your son's behavior is a warning sign that your child is struggling with something, but it can be extraordinarily difficult to figure out what it is.

It sounds like your situation might even be more difficult than what we went through. We didn't have the abandonment issue... perhaps because our kids were in daycare and were used to not always having me around. Beginning at 18 months, our second son began having extreme non-ending temper tantrums that would go on for hours. This went on for years. Finally at age 8 or 9, we learned that he was struggling with a language disability, ADHD and other learning disabilities. I was foolish and assumed that the school would tell us if there was a problem, but I learned later that the teachers at the school were actually discouraged from identifying childhood issues. I deeply regret that I didn't know enough to get him help sooner but I was inexperienced and didn't know what was normal. (Our older son was also difficult to raise, although definitely not to the same degree.) Please do not interpret this to mean your child has learning disabilities or emotional problems. I can only tell you what happened in our situation, and not whether it applies to you.

In hindsight, I believe what was happening with our son is that he just could not communicate what he wanted or what he was feeling. We also learned later that he could not "put on the brakes." Once in emotional despair, he did not have an effective mechanism to calm himself down. This was described to us as difficulty with Executive Functions - initiate, suspend, inhibit and sustain. The acronym is ISIS. His language disability became apparent by the second grade, although the school fought and fought and fought me for years on providing tests to evaluate him. That's a whole nother story, and if you find yourself in that situation YOU must become your child's best advocate. The schools usually don't have your child's best interest in mind when determining how to utilize their limited funds.

I know what I would do differently now if I had the chance... but that doesn't help me much now. But perhaps these thoughts will help you in some small way.

The first is to consider both of your childhood backgrounds. If either of you (or any siblings) had any known childhood issues, such as delayed speech, reading difficulties, etc. that is a huge red flag that your child may need more help than you alone can provide. My husband had delayed speech until age 6 and some mild reading issues, and unfortunately, this was unknown to me until far too late.

If your son is indeed having trouble communicating, then try to find ways to help him let you know what he is trying to tell you. Some parents teach their child sign language. Or you might say something like, "I can see that you are trying to tell me something important. I will say a few of my ideas about what it might be, and you can nod your head if I say the right one (or clap, or whatever he's good at)." You and your child can also make some clever signs or cards with different pictures like milk, water, a favorite snack, happy face, sad face, a heart, an angry face, pictures of all members of your family... anything that he can point to, or combine to try to tell you what he is thinking. Your child may be able to master concepts in pictures, but not yet in words.

He also needs to know that it is okay to be angry once in a while, but he needs to help you figure out why... because it is not a good idea to be angry for a really long time. Be non-judgmental about it.

Over the next two years, you need to watch your child carefully for signs of learning issues. You are fortunate that you have three other children for comparison. Watch for motor delays, delays/frustration with word communication, odd pronunciations, difficulty learning sounds of letters, and difficulty with recognizing rhyming. Watch for difficulty recognizing sound similarities/rhyming words. Learning disabilities take many forms, and these are the forms I'm familiar with, but there are others. Being way too talkative, having poor social skills, avoiding eye contact, poor comprehension of humor or lack of emotional control can be other signs.

If you see significant signs that continue to concern you, you can go to the school before your child is even school age and request to talk to someone about CHILDFIND. I really missed the boat on this entirely... I had no idea it even existed. The schools are mandated to try to identify children who are struggling BEFORE THEY EVEN START SCHOOL. You will need to do the research on CHILDFIND yourself and learn what your rights are. This is about all I know about it, having learned about it far too late. The schools play all sorts of games to try to avoid letting parents know what resources are available and the process you must follow to get these services. With some schools you even have to know the "special words" to unlock the door to that world, and I can tell you from personal experience that the school personnel may even be discouraged from telling you what those words are. So do the research, and find out exactly how you need to ask for these services. You might even be told your child is obviously too intelligent to have learning disabilities, but this is one of the greatest misconceptions and may even be a subterfuge to turn you away. Do not fall for it. If your child is highly intelligent and still struggling, that is a major warning sign and may mean you have a gifted/LD child.

Both parents have to be supportive and sympathetic to the child. If at all possible, you need to work as a team on this. That is not how it went at our house, unfortunately, which simply made it even more difficult to help our son.

Best wishes on your journey. Hopefully you will find ways to help your child (and yourself) through this. It can be quite trying emotionally on you as well, and my heart goes out to you. It may be difficult over the next few years, until your child reaches their own "age of reason". Then hopefully the two of you will be able to have open, non-judgmental discussions about what they are experiencing which will be helpful to both of you. For most children, that is around age 7, but for our son it was delayed a couple of years. Get your child used to having these kind of sympathetic talks now, but understand that what you will hear at this age is closer to magical thinking than reality.

Always make your child be aware that you love him, and will always be there for him. I'm willing to bet that because you are already writing about this situation here, you are a loving mom and already do this.

We adopted our son when he was 10 days old. I was 32.

The hospital sent home four 'courtesy' bottles of brand name infant formula with him. I was to get a 'formula' recipe from my doctor.

The little guy had been on two different feeding schedules in his first 10 days, and I suppose I was introducing a third.

No one told me that I could lactate, with training.

I tried very hard to do everything 'right'.

But...

...I put him to sleep in his own room,

...I believed that the books were right, he should not be picked up at every little cry. (This was hogwash, of course.)

He had a 'bump' on his head which I now feel was from using a suction cup while he was being born.

He was also a little lopsided. His two pupils were different sizes, though I don't know if that is common. However, he would end up in one corner of the bassinette, when sleeping on his back, and, as he began to develop, he used one side of his body 30 to 50 percent more than the other. (This evened out, over years.)


Before long he began to cry, even scream sometimes. Trying to keep to 'schedules' was dynamite. Eventually I gave that up and fed more on demand, though I did try to keep to an afternoon nap, with the door closed, as instructed. That was awful.

With the clarity of hindsight, I now think I know what was 'wrong'. He was in pain.

The 'formulas' did not agree with him. And he had no one to turn to for comfort when he was laid down to sleep. Probably the pain was worse when we laid him on his back.

And I did not know enough to give him much water.

Years later we heard that, with these 'formulas', the challenge is for the babe to survive their first year of life on the vitamins and minerals they were born with. I don't know how true that is, but I do know I'd breast feed, given the chance to do it again.

He was given Antibiotics several times, by a well-meaning doctor. But it was not long after they had withdrawn Antibiotics due to suspicion of side-effects. The doctor had not yet heard.

My boy was seven when we learned that he had hearing damage, equal to five years in a planer mill. (I now believe that he is nearly deaf...and faking that he hears.)

By the time my son was two, he was very hard to live with, yet he was a beautiful and intelligent child.

I went through a laundry list of 'management' procedures. I was not a happy camper.

I would stand in the dark in my kitchen, with two thoughts while I listened to him scream. The first thought was that I was the wrong mother for him. The second was that I was bigger than him.

The people I was depending on for support were more interested in telling me what I was doing 'wrong'. Also, they had never dealt with babies on 'formulas' and Antibiotics . I don't blame them, they just didn't know.

Personally, I'd guess that your little one is NOT emotional, or out of control. I would guess that he is dealing with a very real physical imbalance in the best way he knows how...get a big person on the job.

In fact, I'd guess that I would be very happy that he is turning TO me, rather than away from me.

Now I'm going to toss you a few things I've heard that may help. Please feel free to ignore me wherever you wish. I am no 'expert' with your son...you are.


...1. Get the family off all commercially processed food. Things like table salt , prepared cereals, glutinous grains, processed White Sugar , and even milk, and pasta, could be stressing him far beyond his capability to manage.

You will likely need the assistance of a naturopathic doctor. Search for one who is even more painstaking than you are...and question him/her to the nth degree. It will be the best investment you ever made.

Such a naturopath can also tell you what to eat, where to buy it, and how to prepare it.

Also read, read, read here at CureZone. Find out how people changed their diets, and question until you are blue in the face, and satisfied that you understand. The real answers are always far more simple than you ever dreamed.

Buy, beg, borrow, or steal a book called 'Water and Salt', and study it.


...2. Hold your son. And hold a large soft toy at the same time...constantly. When you absolutely MUST leave your son, such as when going to the bathroom, leave the toy with him for reassurance.

It is my guess that he needs you desperately, until he feels better. And it's my guess that he will wean himself of that need of you when he does.

Meanwhile, use your eyes to indicate your attitude and the routine you expect to develop.

This may take a while, so be prepared to give up your other tasks. Get a friend in to help if you can.

Keep at least one part of your body touching him at all times...perhaps a hand, or a leg, and every time he speaks to you, or looks to you, turn your face toward him, make eye contact, and smile warmly...no matter what he is asking for, or how he is asking, or whether or not you'll give it to him.

This is a beautiful little person, needing your attention and reassurance right now. Show him that he has that.

Speak little more than necessary, and very softly...and react more in quiet movements rather than verbally...unless it is story time. Even then tell it softly, touching him, or demonstrating with your hands, to replace action words.

Sing, softly. Perhaps make up a little song of his name, and even nonsense words. As you repeat it, he will come to associate the tune with your smile on him, and your touch, and the soft toy which is always in your company.

With any luck you'll soon be able to sing, settle him in, say, his own little chair, with the soft toy, and slip in for a bathroom break, singing softly all the while.

However he reacts while you are in there, greet him with your warm smile, full eye contact, and your continued song...as though you hadn't been away. If you make no change in your relationship, soon he will come to rely on that...until he is busy doing something else and forgets to notice.

You see, this is just an interlude...not a life sentence. You are physically showing him how to be, while giving him the warmth of your touch that he sorely needs right now.

Anticipate his daily/hourly needs without fuss. At, or just before snack-time, bring out a carrot and a glass of clean water, perhaps warm. Maybe wash and fine grate the carrot with him beside you. Give him a vantage point he hasn't seen before...from a high chair pulled up to the sink, for example.

Let him touch the grater, touching it on the sharp side yourself, first, then popping your finger into your mouth, to show him it is sharp, and should be handled with care. Your every move will teach him something new, and how to cope.

You want to quietly engage his interest, teaching him about normal everyday things that will give him the security to move slowly away from you, as he is ready.

Gently work in small changes, to keep his interest...like a walk around the backyard, or up and down the porch, holding hands...singing softly, or doing a 'ring-around-the-rosie'.

If he screams, calmly look elsewhere, and slowly return your eyes and smile to him, as if you didn't hear and are your own sweet self no matter what. On the other hand, if he behaves well, reward him with an extra smile, and perhaps a hug and, "I love you."

Evenness, gentleness, quiet confidence, that's what you are teaching.

Keep gently to the same schedule all day. Suggest 'bathroom?' if you are 'training' him...and don't mind if he says 'No'. In his own sweet time he will take you up on the offer, or dad.

When it is bedtime, move to the bedroom, perhaps five minutes earlier, once in a while. Quietly do your usual routine. If he balks, bring out a new story book to hold his attention while you continue the undressing procedure. Or, make a play of the soft toy getting into bed...giving it your attention and loving hugs.

Do your story, or whatever, quietly, winding down into rest. And stay beside him as he drifts off, touching his hand, singing softly, whatever he needs.

Arrange to be at his side, as though you had never left, if he is in the habit of awakening in the night. Remind him of your closeness with the soft toy, and the touch of your hand, while staying beside him until he is asleep once more.


I just made all of this up, BLRusch...except the soft toy, and the eye contact...those I read somewhere.

My biggest mistake with my own boy was in instantly assuming the worst with every little incident...I thought I had to be perfect, and to 'correct'. I was wrong, and didn't think out a better way until years later. I was wrong because I had never seen what was preferable.

The other day my mom said that, if she had it to do over again, she would raise her kids quite differently. A few days after that, I reminded her, and gave her my reply..."Let's say you did."

There was a moment of pregnant silence as she took in my meaning. Then I could hear a little smile in her voice as she said, "Okay."

Mom is 87, I am 69. There just isn't any point to carrying guilt or blame or worry or any other possible negative feelings.

Immediately after her saying, "Okay," mom began to speculate on what she would have done, instead. I already know what she 'could' have done...I have speculated on that many times. But, Mom, herself, is now free to imagine the past, with my blessing.

She couldn't have given us those things then...she had never seen it done. But she can have a fine time now, re-building her memories, as though those events were happening today. Maybe there is always a 'second chance'...if you make one.

If you try any of the above with your beautiful little boy, be aware that you only need to do it for a while...until he finds new things to explore, and takes off to do just that. Then your task will be to catch up, and be ahead of him...a whole 'nother problem for you to figure out.

And, take it from me, he will take off, in directions you have never dreamed! But, deep in his heart he will never forget the security you gave him. You'll see your methods and intentions return in the way he raises his own children...even in the way he treats his wife, and others...in his standards.

However you solve today's questions, and you will, you will become immortal, leaving an indelible mark on humankind.

Be of stout heart, my friend. The best is yet to come. Visualize it.

Fledgling

Honestly? Sounds like a normal 2 year old to me. He's got moxy : )

Homegirl

http://homegirl-workathomeprincess.blogspot.com/

ask your self (and your husband) this question...did your son every see "anything" happen?

when my younger brother was about 2 or 3 he walked in on my parents having sex, for a while after that my mom couldn't go anywhere w/ out him and if she left the room (like go to the bathroom or bed room) he would freak out.

so think back maybe you can remember something that might of happen that triggered his behavour.

Hi BLRusch,

I totally agree with Fledgling's reply to your post.

Make some dietary changes and you'll see great results in your little one's behavior.
Avoiding sugar, processed food, additives, preservatives makes a huge difference in one's life.
Food can make you either sick or happy/healthy.

You can still control your little one's diet plan. I know there are times, when it's very difficult, but it pays off to do so. It will make your life easier and him happier.


Warmest wishes to you.
Suz.

There's some good advice here, so I'll make mine more global...

FOUR kids, desperately poor...someone better scrape together the money to get their tubes tied, a vasectomy, condoms, or an abortion. Seriously.

You may have problems, but the world is ailing terribly too: ever heard of overpopulation and global warming (and more personally, "living within your means")?

I know that this is old.

Can I suggest that you look into something like a Feingold Diet to see if your son has some food chemical, or preservatives , dyes, reactions?

I would also suggest that you take him in to the Early Childhood whatever in your area, and ask to have him evaluated for Sensory Processing Disorder.

So, what have you done yet? Everyone has great advice on diet. I would add omega 3's DHA to all of your diets. here is a link on the benefits.

http://www.udoerasmus.com/FAQ/FAQ1_en.htm


basically you may have been "out" of those omegas by the time this child came around. If you and your husband have mental problems too (your post said metal, but I thought you meant mental)- you guys could take at least 2 grams a day! Not sure on the childs dose. You can buy the fish oil cheap as you can get it, it should say on the container processed to remove mercury. the stuff at the health store is soooo expensive. You might have to get the child's at the health store in liquid. I put my daughters in a dropper and she just loves the stuff.

change your diet as others mentioned- eat whole foods and save up to see a naturopath in the meantime. this will make your appointment that much more effective and worth the money.

please let me know if you have any questions because I have a lot of experience and education in whole foods nutrition and alt. med.

also, I have a 21 mo old daughter who is WILD.