shut up!!!!!!!

Emotions and disease, never look back

Date:   7/30/2007 12:38:29 PM   ( 17 y ) ... viewed 4127 times

Last night I made a big mistake. Stupid too because just yesterday I was struggling with a bit of discouragement, yet I had to go and do something that would make it worse. I went to read my online record of events that led to my disease. I did that because I was talking to someone about emotions and their effect on a person's health so I thought I should hop over and refresh myself on my own spiral into emotional darkness and my resultant cancer... why I don't know, like I said, stupid. As I read, especially my 2006 journals, I started re-living it all, started feeling that same pain and resentment and need for escape. I went to bed in tears.

I asked God to forgive me for returning the gift He gave me. That gift was the healing of all of those crushed feelings by the sudden love of my family who had before been so calous and hurtful and unloving toward me. That healing has made it possible to TRULY fight this cancer, it has been a tremendous blessing, a weight of a billion pounds lifted from my shoulders, yet last night, as I read about their cruelty I sent God's gift back and and took the burdon back onto my own shoulders again.

I heard my doubting voice again, it said "They don't really love you NOW either, they just felt guilty when they thought you were going to die so they ACTED differently toward you, but see, now that you seem to be getting better, they are all disappearing on you again." SHUT UP!!!!!!!

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