Day 1: Morning
Day 1 - beginning water fast - background about who I am
Date: 5/20/2007 7:39:48 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2137 times
Today is day 1 of my water fast. I have been preparing to do this for some time and have thought about it for about 2 months and have read well into the area. I have usually been dissuaded as I am a fitness freak and I worry that if I do not eat, I will not have the energy to do my gym sessions and running.
A little about me, I am 5ft 2in. 2 years ago I lost around 45 pounds in 3 months by eating basically vegetables and chicken or fish. Occassionally I would eat some nuts as well and treating myself would be a diet jelly. I also commenced a daily yoga practice. Anyway, I became really focused on the yoga and it became this constant drive to achieve perfection in the poses. So I stopped doing it about 7 months ago now. However, now I do these ridiculous gym sessions, sometimes spending 5 hours a day exercising. I do work (full-time), but go to the gym during my lunch break and after work. The thing is, I really loved yoga and I miss it incredibly.
Anyway, I have gained back about 20 of the pounds I lost 2 years ago. I have also developed an eating disorder (bulimia nervosa) with my struggle to remain my ideal weight. My ideal weight is 48kg. I am 59kg at the moment. At my peak 2 years ago I was 73kg. I never exercised and I ate a normal diet, although it was probably a little carbohydrate heavy.
I have tried lots of treatment for my eating disorder, including seeing a psychologist for the past 6 months. I usually feel really helpless and I have lost appreciation for food all together. I dread meal times and if I have not been to the gym or done some other exercise, I don't believe I deserve to eat. So my motivation for doing this water fast is to try and gain an appreciation for food again and realise that it is a gift. I also want to stop abusing my body with all this exercise. It is excessive and cannot be healthy. I would also like to go back to yoga and plan to do so at the end of this fast.
I am attempting to get to 21 days. With my disorder, I do not know whether it will be possible even to get to day 2, let alone day 21. I believe that the only way to overcome bulimia is by willpower.
So to start with, I have a small meal last night (Sunday night) and finished at 7:00pm. After this meal I made the decision that on Monday I would commence the fast. I went to bed at about 10:00pm and woke up around 1:00am. Often I would get up at this time and go and binge and throw up. I did not get up. This was a major achievement for me. Woke up again at 3:00am. Want to get up and throw up again, but stop myself from doing so. My alarm was meant to go off at 5:00am. But I wake up and it is 6:00am. I get up, put my running clothes on and go for a 30 minute jog. While jogging think this is a good start. Then reconsider not doing the fast and then tell myself that this is the first morning in months that I have not had a bulimic episode. I know it will be one day at a time (who am I kidding, it will be more like one hour at a time). Anyway, after my jog, come home, drink 2 glasses of water, shower and select a suit for work. It is a size 4. Realise that there is nothing wrong with being this size. Think again maybe water fast is a stupid idea, but I really want to appreciate food again and don't know what else to do. Walk to bus stop (10 minutes). Wait 10 minutes for bus. Check emails on BlackBerry. Have email from my ex-boyfriend who is on the other side of the world, who I am still in love with.
Bus trip takes one hour. Feel bloated and a little tired. Walk past a few fruit stalls. Would love to have some grapes.
Morning at work. Keep drinking water. Plan to do a 45 minute aerobics class and then a 45 minute weights class at lunch. I normally do this evey Monday, so I am sure that I will be able to. Normally I purchase a salad after this session. Today I won't be able to. Thought about leaving my wallet at home this morning and just taking enough for my bus fare, but then realised that that would be stupid.
I am going to blog a few times a day, otherwise I know I won't get through this. I find writing really therapeutic and I don't actually expect anyone to read this.
Will write back after my gym session and whether I was able to go without lunch...
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