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Day 10
Why is alcohol my drug of choice?
Date: 8/10/2006 4:38:42 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3891 times I am making myself do things that my body isn't used to doing. My body has adapted to alcohol and the life with alcohol became so normal for me. Anytime I see a commercial on TV or drive past a store that has alcohol advertised my eyes roll over to it and immediately my body tells me it needs alcohol. I have to stop and think about what is happening and the feeling I get it a lost feeling that feels so weird. It is a feeling that can be described as loosing something and really wanting to find it at all costs. The feeling is such a sick feeling and the only way my body thinks it can take care of it is to put alcohol inside me. Time is all it takes and the feeling leaves and the feeling I get from not doing it is much greater. This is what is helping me a lot. It is some kind of satisfaction instead of immediate results that the alcohol gave me. Things are getting a little better but the disease is still tugging at everything I have going for me.
I have been talking to a lot of young people lately that are drinking and it really makes me sad to know that they are just enjoying alcohol right now, but when I think that I was doing the same thing as they were, it makes me sick. I knew at a young age that alcohol was something that I loved, but I didn't know it was going to be so hard to pull myself away from it. I never would have thought that it was this hard. I thought that only drug addicts have an addiction that was almost impossible to wean yourself from. Not alcohol! Man was I wrong! When I was 18 and 19 years old I had a friend that would offer me drugs anytime I wanted them for free. I never refused! We would sit in front of each other from 11 PM - 7AM doing crack, cocaine, and meth like it was nothing. I did this on the weekends for a year. I never became addicted to them at all.
I will never forget when I was doing so much cocaine that my friend gave me a weird look and I asked him what was going on? He said look in the mirror. I was shocked because blood was pouring out my nose and off of my chin. We abused those drugs. I never could get enough from them. That is when I realized I was trying to get the feeling that I got from alcohol. I already drank alcohol from many boot-legers, but at age 18-19 alcohol was 10X harder to get than any drugs. So I did drugs until I was 21.
On my birthday at age 21 I was buying so much alcohol of course and it hasn't stopped since. All hours of the day or night, alcohol was my drug of choice. I quickly realized that my favorite drug was legal to buy. Drugs were illegal and I never really liked them anyway. Pot always made me feel extremely weird and cocaine was just a waste because I would do so much until I was sick. The hell with getting sick when I could drink as much as I want and by the time I got sick, I was too drunk to feel it anyway. I remember one night when I was younger I bought 3 bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 which is one of the nastiest drinks I have ever had. I drank 2 of them and opened the 3rd. I took 1 small sip and closed it. I sat there for a minute and thought oh man. I got up and went to the toilet to puke. I was in there from 11PM until 7 AM puking. I have never puked that long until this day. Alcohol really was great that night wasn't it?
Most people learn that alcohol is a poison and bad for them when they get sick. I always looked at it like this. The more times I got sick, then the higher my tolerance was for it the next time. It wasn't until age 26 that I realized I was doing so much damage to my body that I could not handle liquor anymore. I just stuck with beer after that and never really got sick much more. Other than getting sick about 3 weeks ago, I can't remember the last time I have even had a hang over. It happened though. My insides must be pretty screwed up. I have a constant uneasy feeling inside me right now and can't blame anything but the alcohol for it.
I had to make another doctors appointment because of my work schedule. I am going to get some blood work done to see what the damage is. I can't worry about it but as I type this I almost feel like crying. It is sad that I let it get this far and what is more sad is that if I didn't get sick, I would have eventually. I have been fighting this sickness for 16 years and if it wasn't for this I honestly know it would probably be another 16 or more.
Time tells all!
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