Blog: I deserve to live!!!!
by noni-man

MY Story

This is my lifestory in parts and the past, which cannot be redone. Learn from it and go on forwardm just don´t know how yet

Date:   11/12/2005 7:13:16 AM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2196 times

I know, that I am loved by god and my family around me. Now is the time to start living.
I was born June 1956, my Father was and is a man of god, a spiritual leader and moved to Utah to follow a call by the LDS church. Most of my life was about dealing with being the son of my dad.
My mother is a beautiful lady, who gave up her own life thru service for others. She put a wall around her spirit, which stopped people around her to get too close to her. Even today I cannot hug her. It feels like a cold wall. Yet she is wonderful and believes in me.
At the age of 12 I was introduced to masturb* through a "friend", even before my parents even told me about the "bees". I started to look a nude pictures soon and was addicted to p 0 r n o g r a p h y, when 15. Today I have been married for 25 years to the best wife on earth. Most other women would have left me long ago. I started chatting as soon as the internet came out and started dating ladies about 5 years ago. Up until the end of last year I dated ladies, which I met on the net. I mostly only saw them once, because I immedediately after the date felt totally guilty and said "good Bye!". So all together I dated about 40 Ladies in those years. Finally my wife found out and we worked very close with a good friend, who is a psychotherapist. We aggreet that my wife would leave me, if ONE more date would happen. Since that time I have been able to stay away from seing ladies and chatting has become a lot less. Once in 2 months or so I still fall into p 0 r no* , mostly in the yahoo adult rooms, with life people.
All of my life I have had problems earning enough money for my family. MY parents always provided as good as they could and once my wife started working for a few years. Finally I was able though Networkmarketing to have about 12000 Dollars monthly, for about 2 years. Now the income is declining and I cannot set any new impulses for me or for my downline. We must leave the house, because we cannot afford it anymore. Our boys of course suffer very much from my wrotten behavior in the past, which could not been 100% hidden from them. Kids just know and feel it, when something is wrong.
Now my wife started to go back to school and still believes in me getting back on my feet again.
My eating habits are totally opposite. I eat raw food one day or 2, then I binge again. I fast for 4 days and then eat Fast food and binge again.
I mess around with the extremes. LAst year my best accomplishmet was to run a marathon from 0 to 26 miles within 3 months time. Jogging gives me peace for at least the time I am out in the woods.
I have all the symptoms of ADHD and my wife and friends tell me to take pills in order to bridge the gap in my brain. I am not sure, whether pills help to fix that chemical imbalance. I still feel, that raw food would serve me the best but I don´t commit to live it. I have even talked to a doctor who told me to go into a clinic for 6 weeks. But does that help? I doubt it unless I use that time to fast and cleanse and make strategic plans for the future.
Sorry for rattling on here, but I am committed not to give up.
God bless
Markus

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