Truth of Self, prt. 9 by Chef Jem Blog entry

Blog: Original Truth of Self
by Chef Jem

Truth of Self, prt. 9

Major breakthrough with sciatica symptoms through truth telling!

Date: 3/11/2005 1:34:51 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2262 times

Major, major turning point for me has happened in the last 24 to 36 hours! Firstly I have to say that I have the deepest gratitude for my truth-telling group that I am a participant of! The group has created the safest space in which I have been able to emerge in raw honesty! My healing has come through the expression of repressed anger. The symptoms of sciatica have diminished considerably in the past 24 hours and I am beginning to feel more fully whole, confident, powerful and free! One of the great birthing moments for this was when the co-facilitator of my group suggested I write a letter to my mother after I had said I don't feel a family connection with her anymore. I knew I hadn't expressed my feelings to her when I simply stopped the e-mail exchanges. I began anticipating that I would need to write her. Now with the group's encouragement I have written the following letter:

"Whoever you think you are, (I don’t want to call you “Mom” and I don’t know what else to call you.)

I’m writing this letter in-order that I may completely express my feelings, not only regarding the last e-mail you sent me but regarding anything that comes to my awareness now.

Firstly I can now thank you for expressing your judgements/opinions/reactions/upsets, etc. to the simple honesty that I have expressed to you in a prior e-mail. Although I felt enraged (and later the absolute worst physical pain I have ever felt in my entire adult life that manifested as sciatica), over what I believe you said concerning “my life”, I am now in great gratitude for a greater sense of who I am and who I am becoming! And all of what I am grateful for is something that I sincerely believe is beyond your capacity to know, (let alone appreciate) and therefore I will spare you of the magnificent details of my extraordinary life!

What I would like you to know is that I truly do not feel any family connection with you. Believe it or not, I don’t say this with anger or hatred. I simply do not feel the closeness, the intimacy, the warmth and all that I regard as “family” type feelings. I don’t even feel feelings of friendship with you! I don’t feel that you know me now or are interested in getting to know me. I don’t trust you with any further information about my life and therefore I don’t expect to be offering you further information after this letter. I don’t know what the future holds for a possible relationship with you. All I know is that I’m no longer willing to act as I have been; trying to nourish what I believed was a “family” connection with you, yet all along not feeling that I’m truly seen and/or regarded for who I am and becoming in each new moment and therefore, not really an accepted part of your “family”.

Over the years throughout my entire life I have limited my expression to you to accommodate your limitations of attention, time, interest, capacity, etc. all along believing that this was love. I was wrong, it is not love! It was a very unhealthy self-denial on my part! I unconsciously allowed the self-denial, a denial of whatever my truth happened to be at any given moment, to exist and now that I have awakened to this fact, I am no longer willing to bare that self-destructive behavior in me. That sudden, emphatic moment of realization came when I read your last e-mail and realized that my old way of behaving with you no longer serves me. The truth is I want and need a sense of equality in my relations with others, all others! I don’t feel that with you. I’m also not willing to have relations with just anyone. I feel more willing to develop relations with people who show sincere interest in my life and me. The so-called blood-ties are not sufficient for me to engage myself with others no matter who these blood-ties are with!

All I want now are relationships that are devoted to truth telling. I accept that not everyone is willing to devote himself or herself to telling the truth, especially about their feelings and although I accept their choice I’m all the more embracing my choice for more radical truth telling!

You apparently expressed antipathy towards the life style that I am currently living. My truth is that I have no interest in your life style or your relations. I believe I will not miss hearing of another “estate sale” experience, trip to the casino, latest home-improvement, etc, etc! I use to think that your joy was my joy but I really don’t have joy for most all of the things that you have voluntarily reported to me.

I have no attraction to Sun City. I really don’t care if I never go there again. I’m not particularly attracted to Arizona at all. I love living and being right where I am!

I can’t expect you to really hear me through this letter and it is unfortunate if that is the case now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never read this far or if you felt reactive emotions while reading this even though I’m not trying to get a “rise” out of you. I have no interest in forcing or causing you anything. I don’t believe I ever did. I only want peace with myself and I know that absolutely requires me to tell the truth!

If you are really hearing what I’m saying then I smile upon your expansiveness! And whether or not you are hearing me, I offer you God’s joy and peace!

In truth all ways!
X"

I intend to share this letter with my group's facilitator and then send it off! I am rather excited about this! I'm really delighted with myself! I'm actually beginning to chuckle a little bit! What a release! What an amazing and wonderful release this is!