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Wow. Angry, much?
When I was about to give up, an email appeared.
Date: 10/20/2017 10:55:24 PM ( 7 y ) ... viewed 1026 times I apologize. I apologize for letting my anger and blame out as if doing so is completely acceptable. I am teaching myself that it is not. How did I get so far out? How did I become so completely engulfed in bitter resentment? When I gave my life my all and came back with empty hands, I guess. I am not the only one that this has happened to (Hello???) and I certainly will not be the last.
Now what. I am so grateful to have my blogs from 2010 to reread and relive. It is me from years past holding out a hand to me that lives in this moment. It is the parental guidance I never had. She is the sparkly fairy godmother I always dreamed for. She is the mentor I've been praying for. I am safe when I do what she did that worked. I am strengthened when I read how well things were turning out. I am given the inspiration I have not been able to muster as my last energy cell is going dim as each minute passes. I will go back to her, the vision she held for my life, the strength and determination to be a Light for those around her, and a source of Love by example and through giving of herself - again. I really believe that my life is over. I have been spiraling down for 4 months now - a nose dive from 40,000 feet at 500 mph - with no way out. Until an email appeared in my inbox from this webmaster asking me to verify my ownership of this account on October 10. Just when I truly thought I was throwing in the towel of my life. Not suicide by willful choice of immediate action. No. The slow suicide of destroying all that I have left by letting it all go.
No family. No spouse. No kids. No career. Not today.
I lost hope for tomorrow's possibilities. I tried my best at reconciliation, college, and healing from the loss of my only child and estrangement from my step children.
Loser at all.
Then, there I was for me to see, remember, and learn from.
Tomorrow is Saturday, October 21.
With a wink of hope and a pinhole of light to walk by.
xoxo
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