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39½ miles run...
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Date: 6/29/2012 4:00:34 PM ( 12 y ) ... viewed 2358 times 39½ miles run...since my last entry. I remember just 3 years ago running 1 mile was something I could'nt wrap my head around. For 32 years I've tried to run on and off. It would hurt emotionally deeply when I tried. My mind, distractions, and illusions would own me. That's how little control I've had over my mind. It owned me.
My son's death has kicked my ass (or my mind) right through some of that. I had to learn to really live because it was and is truly all gone. No where to hide, so run miles.
I ran 8 miles last night. I left work early because I was clashing with my coworkers. Today was the same. I need to take a vacation. I need to rest. I get like this when I am spent. I have had a headache for two full days and my mind is racing. My boss offerred an immediate vacation to me. She said I have 'mad skills' and practically the most valued LNA on the floor. I am not to worry about having a job. Did I mention that I did not call in this morning because I am so afraid of being fired? I told her that and she extended the olive branch to me. I am sooooo grateful. She's new and has been with us for about 4 weeks. I so appreciate what she's done for me in just one day. I plan to take the next 11 days off - 7 vacation, 4 scheduled days off. *sigh*
Oh, I forgot to mention. My ex-husband showed his face in my homegroup this past Sunday. FCS - what the hell could he possibly want to achieve by sitting across a table from me? It's a 16 person meeting, he doesn't live in this town, doesn't work in this town. I do. I hate that I love him. I hate that I did not protect myself against his alcoholism previously. I hate that I feel deflated and small this week. I have missed what worked between us so much. What didn't work will kill me. That's where my focus needs to be and stay the hell away from him.
That same meeting an acquaintance leaves her 5 year old unattended next to me I learn when I return from the rest room. We color and it worked out okay. No too much in flashbacks of my son when interacting with her. I had a nice time coloring and she did too. That same child at the end of the meeting walks up to me, asks me to go outside with her and says she wants to see my car. Well, I tell her that she needs to talk to her Mom. I then state to the Mom that her daughter wants to see my car. We agree, after her looking at me like I am scary, that this is not an option. I was embarrassed by how she looked at me like somehow I was endangering her daughter by saying that. I was truly tongue-tied. I left feeling completelly out of sorts. This was weird.
My point is that her daughter should not be left to roam an AA meeting. Is it me she approached because I am a trusted friend? Some of those people have heavy stories. I felt triggered as well - how do you tell a parent their 5 year old is asking these things. MY DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER ASK THAT OF ANYONE! is the argument I didn't want to get into. Next time, I will just walk the hell away. Send the kid to her Mom and move on. No words, just shuffle the kid to safety and move on. I don't do friendships well these days and why would I believe that this situation would be any different?
I am struggling with just basic communication these days. I feel abandoned, alone, lonely, weak, and depressed. Did I mention how much I am running a lot? Why doesn't that just make me a clean slate? Why do I carry the same baggage day after day?
So, a day of rest and my head is almost back on my shoulders. What will I commit to tonight? It's 5pm Eastern, 9pm bedtime. So - clean the kitchen, make the bed, take out the garbage, pick up the bathroom. Go for a 4 mile run dirt road run w/waterfalls, covered bridge, farm fields, and maple canopy over the road. Read just one chapter of Human Growth & Development. Then lights out.
I am going to run the mountain peak tomorrow morning. It's 4 miles and there will be no cars to run me over.
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