My Rosacea is flaring. It was before the fast began. Definite reaction to the junk I was eating. But it's a testament to how lethargic my liver is that two days and three enemas in , I think it's gotten no better at all. Super flaky skin all over my face but especially T zone. Crimson cheeks beside my nose, red chin. Bumpy, rough skin that is congested. The congested patches lead to peeling a couple days after. One thing that's changed is no more pin sized white head pustules. So progress I guess.

My lower back is still so tender. Sitting and lying down are uncomfortable and as the day goes on, more painful. I did not take any pain meds yesterday! But by the end of the day I so badly wanted to rest and sleep the pain away. My body was happy to lie still but my mind is racing. Mania.

5 hours sleep last night (similar to night before except I couldn't even fall asleep until 2am) Little sleepy this morning. Maybe bipolar mania is waning with our moon? Motivation still high and mentally I'm goal driven typical to mania and in contrast to the past months of dark depression. Factors that really bring on and enhance mania are present: menstrual cycle nearing its end, full moon, a stimulating project, fasting. I know I need to be prepared for the decline of this manic cycle so the depression is cushioned and I don't sabotage my waterfast. I will spend some time today in prayer, meditation and study and form an action plan on how I can preemptively avoid following through with my typical sabotage methods. Must unify myself into moving forward with this fast.

Yesterday i pretty much followed my plan:  

1) I walked in a refreshing Spring drizzle and took a fantastic photo of the lilies blooming on our little lake.

2) Phoned a very supportive friend who coincidentally is beginning a cleanse. We have been out of touch for months so that was so encouraging. The opposite of addiction is connection  (becoming a mantra for me as I'm truly appreciating how true this is. Makes me sad. So many friendships that have been victim to bipolar episodes. But a useful tool - I cannot isolate and be successful. I need to take the risk of being hurt and maybe friends will misunderstand me and be hurt. It does happen to everyone. I'm not so special. Tis life. So live it!)

3) I prayed, meditated and studied. Authentic breakthrough! Not done this for way too long. 

4) I did go to the meeting. Not nearly as difficult as it has been for me to get out of the house and be around people. It felt good. I had to put on makeup, do my hair. Get dressed. Ridiculous but true. The toll depression takes. I'm thankful I didn't let myself excuse my way out of last night. Besides I have to keep busy with all this excess time and energy. So far managing to not obsess on food, let's keep it going!

5) Another enema. Not nearly as satisfying when you're evacuating nothing but what you just put in there 😂 

6) drank way more water yesterday. I can just guzzle it down now. Thirst drive has returned and it's delicious.

7) limited internet, devices and TV viewing. Not difficult. Same as shifting focus. And I'm motivated so doing #1 - 6 was surprisingly easy.  

Plan for today: pray, study, meditate - Priority. Walk. Call one friend. 

I have 3 hours of volunteer work today from 2- 5. My only plan is to take some hot tea and water bottle. Dress very warm and walk on my break. This volunteer work is something ive struggled to maintain throughout my depression this winter. I knew relinquishing it would be so detrimental to my mental health. Today will be enjoyable.

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