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Lots going on
My experiences with last night
Date: 3/19/2011 1:20:02 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 30441 times I believe that a journey to truly healing an eating disorder is examining all aspects of our lives.
I have been in a relationship with two men in a sense. One has not said "I commit to you" and I live with one. It has been really really really hard on me balancing lies etc.
Alfonso is my boyfriend I live with and Mitch is the other guy.
So last night I went to Mitch's. I never really feel totally welcomed open-armed by him, however, I like being let into his world. I do not understand the feelings I am having for him at all which makes me think that this is definitely something karmic. The karmic impact of this relationship has been intense. He has been a catalyst for me in many ways by giving me some sense of connection to the outer world. I live in a bubble like monks up in the hills with my boyfriend Alfonso. I tell Alfonso that we must have been monks in another life. Yet, with Mitch, he inspired me to do things I had not done for a long time.
But every time I am with Mitch, he holds all his cards but shows me one. He is not open with me. It makes me crazy. I don't know why. Maybe this is the struggle? He is also extremely mental and has a hard time really connecting to his body which is something I still struggle with a little bit so when I feel it around him it intensifies. This has all been really hard for me because what I really want is to be loved and adored by both of these guys. They both have their weird hang ups.
I have always had the fantasy of a twin soul mate coming to me. I have always had a belief in magic, yet since I have been working on progressing my life and growing up and taking more responsibility for things, including finances and work etc, it has been hard for me to be as much of an idealist. I am starting to see "the ways of the world" but at the same time, I know this cant last much longer because things are shattering all around us. The people are revolting against governments who have had power for a very long time, tsunamis, earth changes, electromagnetic changes, etc.
This is a time of change.
Dear Universe, if only I could have the finances to travel, relax, own my own home or even just an apartment that was mine. I do appreciate the free house that I am living in, but it is under the control of my parents so it does not feel like it is mine.
I want money, happy relationships, and work that fulfills me. I want to feel joy in my life and the desire to create!
I really want a sense of freedom...
When I was with Mitch last night, he was talking to me in his apartment, I had a sense of being entrapped or something strange. He was very friendly but also very detached. This is a hard thing for me. Why I am attracted to guys like this? Well, I will try not to judge it. But he was talking to me about very serious issues when we were smoking weed. I got very high. Sometimes he throws comments out about "how sexy I am" "how pretty I am" but I never know if he is telling the truth because he likes to flatter people to make them happy..
I know he has a lot of issues.
Alfonso bores me very much. I feel untrusting of my life, unable to see what is attempting at unfolding here. A lot of times I spend my time ignoring all of this and trying to just focus on something else. This is a great coping skill, but at the end of the day I always end up feeling flustered and confused.
Why?
How can I change this situation? I think the reality is that I can change my perspective of it and be open to the universe to receive positive things, but I cant change the men or the way they are. I can only change the way I relate to them which would be with more open honesty.
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