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day 2, lunch
bitter is necessary
Date: 5/27/2010 11:48:18 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2820 times Crunchy, bitter, light radicchio. Hmmmm. It definitely is getting me to think about what G*d was thinking on this one. It's bitter - there must be some good qualities here. Light, cleansing, deep 'cranberry-ish' color. Sweeter in some spots than others.
Sad. Sad as hell. Ex was really, really kind to me in email for the first time. His sincerity came through and he agreed to what I asked for. That's huge. Sad for everytime I hurt him, every time I told him I hated him and didn't love him. G*d, I was truly crazy in my grief. I was unacceptable.
I reiterated my amends in my reply. Each and every time I see him and each and every time I write him - I try to remember that it is my job to change who I am. That is my true amends. Sometimes go better than others. It breaks my heart that I gave life to the part of my thinking where I felt we were better off apart, that I didn't love him, that I 'deserved better'. All of that is partially true, none of it is untrue. I gave it life, I grew it, I cultivated it. I wanted him to save me and he didn't. I wanted him to bring the solution, make me unafraid to go on without sweet Trace. It was my job and I was a cowardly lion.
Well, I'm not today. That's where I live. Today.
So, bitter radicchio. It's not totally bitter. Which part do I wish to cultivate as I eat? What shall I focus on? What good can the bitterness bring me? Is that the part that flushes out the free radicals in my body? I may never be sure - but certainly don't have to focus and expand that piece. Just be grateful for the good it must bring on some level and move on.
As it is today. Tom was wonderful to me today. Thank you, G*d. May I act as if I deserve it. May I repay the love, however platonic.
Ate this morning's apple. Onto the salad.
xo
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