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2.5 Years Later, I have changed a lot!
My current life, school, weight loss, binge eating, relationship problems.
Date: 2/22/2010 2:16:44 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 1671 times The last time I wrote blogs on here, it was around the end of 2007 to beginning of 2008. It's now 2010. I have changed a lot in some ways. In some ways, I miss the old me. I went through a transformation where I naturally released about 20-25lbs. I went from an average of 131-138 down to about 110. I did this by learning to eat meals and stopping binge eating. I have since been struggling again and am usually 113 and when I binge I'm 115-116. I binged yesterday, so I'm 115 today. I KNOW it's not a lot at 5'1.5'', but I am disappointed in myself and I am doing a liquid fast today. I am going to consume coffee this morning and then tea, water, and fresh juices the rest of the day. I want a life where I have a lot of freedom. I have in the past two years, learned a great deal about money and what it means for me to become self-responsible. I am terrified! I am currently attending graduate school and living in Palos Verdes. I also am living off of student loans which I know I will have to pay back. I do not feel emotionally ready to be working and going to school.
I am terribly missing the school where I got my BA from, California State University Long Beach. The reason for this is that the new private school I am attending is not resonating with me. When I applied, I expected it to be a liberal, spiritual, and open-minded school. Yet, I have since learned that when a small group gathers with like-mindedness, there is little room for indiviuality and the result can feel as though you are a part of some type of cult. It is very disappointing to me, especially since I am paying like 6800 per quarter for seven quarters. Ugh.
I trust myself, God, and the universe that I will pay this back with no problem. I feel I have learned a lot from this school, but not necessarily from a place of joy. It has been extremely extremely challenging, which is why I woke up today and thought to myself, God, I want to be back at that simple school, sitting under a tree and waiting for my class!
My new school consists of office buildings. My old school consisted of beautiful architecture, old brick buildings and trees, flowers and sunshine everywhere. It is really hard at this new school since it is surrounded by busy streets and in the midst of the city. I love nature!
I know it's sad. I am almost half way done at this new school. I have to finish there. The thing to me that is the most disappointing was that when I was in my first quarter, I had a dream that I left the private school and went back to California State University Long Beach. The sad part of it was that I feel I was supposed to listen to the dream. I feel that I was supposed to hear the message, LEAVE THE SCHOOL! But, I didn't listen. I stayed and now I am not happy there. I am almost 3 quarters done and four to go. :(
I also miss my old apartment. But, I think I must just be feeling strangely nostalgic today. I have to accept and work with my choices, but I am such an intuitive person that I feel everything. I cannot just logically choose things.
I have dreams for my life. I want to be a writer and I want to inspire people. I want to be free from the monetary system, and I want to live my own life with a beach house in maybe Hawaii or California and a house in the country or forrest. I love nature so much. I have to surround myself in it.
So, why I have been eating more lately? I was very worried about the relationship I have been in. My boyfriend and I struggle a lot. He was raped at age 7, and does not sexually initiate ever. I often feel rejected. I have lost weight and it seems I have lower self esteem about my body now than I did when I was heavier.
I also have been feeling like trapped a bit in some type of stagnant energy. Maybe the house I live in, which is free for now so that's great, but it's hard because it was my grandparents and it is also very isolated from the city.
Well, hopefully, I will be back soon to write more about my experiences. Thank you for reading, and wish me the best of luck on my dreams! Much Love <3 Heather
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