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Reboot : Day 1
change is possible
Date: 2/12/2010 12:42:31 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1184 times I'm rebooting right away. I refuse to wallow in this despair any longer. I don't want to wear these fat clothes any longer.
I'm restarting the fast. Modifications to make it work this time:
I'm weighing in every day. I don't like being a slave to the scale and it became my enemy when I was refeeding and still trying to lose weight and in fact just maintaining (which is actually not bad), but when I'm fasting it should be fine, since the weight will, at least in the beginning continually go down. I'll just have to grin and bear it if it gets sticky as it gets lower, and reevaluate at that time if necessary. Mainly, this is to get me through the first days that seem to be tripping me up. Yesterday was the second time I failed on day two. Weighing in really does help a lot in keeping me on track. I've gained about 5kg of fat alone. Yikes. I should be back to where I was by Thursday of next week, at which point I am getting rid of what has become my fat clothes over the last two weeks so I will have nothing to go back to. I don't want this stuff anymore.
I cut up all my credit cards. I simply won't have any money to go buy junk food. I'll get them replaced when I am done fasting. I've never done that before, but I'm really sick of this situation right now.
I will focus every day on one thing that I am looking forward to feeling or doing when I am done fasting and am slim.
Today: Waking up in the morning feeling cool, light and well rested. (I want to keep this positive, i.e. things to look forward to.
I will also focus on one thing that I look forward to eating on a raw foods diet when I'm done.
Today: celeries with dates. I actually had some of that last night after eating a bunch of junk. It's so good! It has the same appeal as caramels with sea salt, since celery is so salty.
As I was saying in the post from last night, I have been on this rollercoaster and wasted so much energy on this addiction I have to food for the last twenty years. It's easy to become defeated in light of that and think that I'm never going to change. But the thought that I'm going to be fifty and still sneaking around stuffing myself with two pints of ice cream and four english muffins with butter and three bagels with cheese and a whole bar of chocolate and two sandwiches and two brownies, like I did last night ... I JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. People change things in their lives on other things as well. I feel like this topic is a huge topic that afflicts a lot of people and nobody ever talks about honestly. We hear about anorexia, although that doesn't seem to be a topic of honest, compassionate discussion much anymore, just that we shouldn't have those thin models, since those bad girls are all anorexic and it confuses young girls kind of talk, but people don't talk much about how many people suffer from food addiction and binge eating and how that can overwhelm and drain energy from people for a majority of their lives. So sad.
I refuse to have that sap my energy for the rest of my life.
Here's why I'm optimistic that this can actually work:
I feel amazing when I'm skinny. I know it doesn't solve all my problems in my life, but just as to how I feel in my own skin, it's great. I feel empowered.
I know how to eat to keep it off and stay safe from food addiction. The reason I fell off that track the last time was just that I didn't have enough practice, didn't work hard enough to get variety I need to stay entertained and I was still trying to lose weight, which wasn't working, because after finishing the last fast, all I could achieve at that time was to maintain. I did actually lose some more fat, eating just raw, and I did get leaner, but it was going to take a long time to recover and start moving down and get used to the new diet. If I just lose more weight fasting this time and settle in at a lower weight with raw foods, maintaining will be fine and I won't be stuck at some crappy in-between weight for months and months. I know how to break the fast. I enjoy eating that way. Soon it will be spring and there will be lots of great fruit. This is a great time to fast since there is no decent fruit available anyway.
People change. People who were terrible drug addicts living under a bridge get their act together and clean up their life. I don't have to continue on the same wretched path that I have for the last years. With food dominating and making me miserable. Change is possible.
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