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Don't Escape These Feelings
Range of feelings coming out
of the desert. Wounds are raw today.
Date: 4/13/2009 8:08:36 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1500 times
5:45 PM
April
Week of Chesed in Hod
Just home. Left Thursday on Vapors
for the desert, an annual retreat.
I have to protect confidentiality about the group.
There were 13 of us, plus KEEP The BEET.
So much to say.
How to say it in a way that does not
injure agreements about privacy?
Left the desert yesterday
and drove from Joshua Tree
to Seal Beach.
The map failed me, or rather,
I caused myself stress by misunderstanding
one of the turnoffs written out on my directions; then I had to
take an alternative route that required paying deeper attention.
On the way home this afternoon, I stopped at Home Depot
to get twomechanical door stoppers, to keep
my door and the lower bathroom door from slamming when I have
my mind on other things.
I definitely had my mind on other things
when I left for the desert. I did what I could to take care
of business and do some important things
before I left.
Driving out to the desert on Thursday after dark was
scary. Everything seemed forboding,
the large mountains, so powerful,
the mountains of windmills collecting
alternative electricial power outside of
Palm Springs.
Coming near, Joshua Tree, I
missed the turnout into the campground
the second year in a row.
I found myself wanting to turn back
a number of times on the journey there.
I screamed out for help a number of times
on the way there.
I will not miss that final turnoff into the camp ground
again next year. On the way out, I took a picture
of the clearly marked sign.
I am getting some healing blogging now.
I felt crushed today, emotionally crushed.
I could even go out and buy a doughnut,
buy anything to escape these feelings.
I am very hungry, so very hungry for
the depth of human connection.
I saw a glimpse of that connection
in the council meetings we had in the desert.
We passed a talking stick.
So much very, very deep listening.
I was depressed numbers of hours Saturday.
The Thursday night I slept O.K.
In fact, had brilliant spacious dreams.
Friday night was hellish. I went to bed
right after we broke the circle.
I did not trust my bowel. I had diarrhea
most of the time out there,
and I was very cold.
Harsh. Harsh, the elements were so very harsh
for me.
In one hour it was cold, hot, cold, hot, cold, hot.
Maddening.
I faced my vulnerability and limits.
It was depressing.
I parked the EG Mobile right next to the toilet room,
but I had to rely on a large mouth gallon bottle
during the night. Every time
I felt a bit of stress in my bowel, I jumped up.
I could not take the chance. It was too hard to change
my clothes. I do not generally have to get up seven times
in a night with diarrhea.
It started to weigh me down on Saturday,
as well as conditions at home.
I could not escape the conditions I left at home,
including the results of the slamming door
that evoked seeming anger and frustration
toward me. That was one thing I took into
the desert with me, and resolved that I would
not be taking that energy again from this
one person I live with.
That is why I stopped at Home Depot
to get this devices that stop door slamming.
I did get some solutions to problems
at home in the desert.
More on that....
[There was one married couple.
More here...from others evoked this.
but privacy issue question coming up...]
The married couple intensified a longing
for my wife and children.
I announced that in
the closing circle. I have never been married.
I have never had children.
The level of support among the group
was very deep. It opened a wound of
lack of community.
The desert itself was not my friend,
but then, one time Saturday afternoon,
I ran from the tent toward the boulders.
Saturday morning, there was a hike into
the desert.
I would not have chanced that with my
loose bowel.
I definitely was feeling debilitated
in the desert.
It brought up other times, I was in the
desert during my life and felt debilitated.
Something in the sounds in the kitchen now
are soothing, even though there is so much work here
to be done.
I was able to do an Earth Ritual on Sunday
at the gathering.
That lifted my spirit.
But today, today, oh my God, everything
including all the successes I have been having
in one part of my life, seem a coverup for something
so much deeper, so much wanting.
More.
More to say.
I will write more.
About my father.
I am physically hungry too.
I am going to eat something,
and then rest.
2:01 AM
Work up around midnight.
Scott was on the cell phone loudly.
We talked a bit.
Then, I sat down with Chef Jem.
There is a tenative plan to go back to
San Marcos tomorrow and pick up some
shelves. I also stopped at BERNARD JENSEN INTERNATIONAL
to look at shelves. The plan would be
to buy six of them.
Spoke with Chef Jem about going
back up there to pick up two of them.
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