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Day 2
day 2
Date: 1/23/2008 11:58:00 AM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1749 times First an update on last night:
Couldn't stop researching Macrobiotic recipes last night...mmmm soba noodles, but wasn't really that hungry, to be honest. But mmmmm Soba noodles. heh.
The lemonade seems to keep me full and I had some peppermint tea as well. Twas good nuff.
I did make a sudden realization last night, let me indulge.
It's cold where I am in the country right now. Cold. Freezing. And our little apartment is a converted old house and, as such, is drafty and cooler than I'd like, and the hot water runs out fairly quickly. Pretty average huh? Fairly normal stuff. Well I was IRATE last night. "I want to shower. I should be allowed to shower whenever I want, I mean, I pay f*#in rent and I can't even SHOWER or be WARM?!?!"
I sat for a few moments and thought about that, just let myself be angry, and realized that my dysfunctional relationship with my self and feeding it, and food, and life in general is that I want what I want and I want it when I want it. And if that isn't the case I FREAK RIGHT OUT. And get angry, and cranky, and walk around with some kind of chip on my shoulder.
I realized, going back a little that I've been like this my whole life.
And while, wanting good things for myself is not bad, wanting wonderful, miraculous things is not bad, to be angry, at someone, at the universe, at objects, for not fulfilling their duty to YOU, that is unhealthy.
It's completely acceptable to want wonderful things for yourself and family, it is not acceptable to have a temper tantrum at the world when things don't go your way. In some ways, I'm still 2...or 2 for the first time, as my parents did not allow temper tantrums of any kind. Period. I just didn't throw them. Ever. I wonder now, if I've spent a good part of my subconscious adult life throwing them, as I never really understood how to deal with anger. I just had to swallow it up, or risk the anger, guilt and dismissal of my parents, which is highly traumatizing to a child.
I'm not pointing fingers here, I love my parents, and they did the best they could, I know they did. But I, in not confronting this, have grown into a person who wants everything NOW, never mind the consequences, for myself or anyone else. So instead of dealing with an issue, finding a solution to the problem, or approaching people from a compassionate point of view, i kick and scream and yell and get angry, and expect someone to feel sorry for me. It's victimization of self. It's infantile and unbecoming. Also, it doesn't work.
Specifics on the morning:
Woke up earlier than usual, slept well, weird dreams though.
the SWF is not really 'working' for me...if ya get my meanign...not sure why. I dutifully chug it down in the morn but...nuffink. Am I doing something wrong? Anyone?
I've not been up long yet, but hubby is drinking coffee and I'm drinking spicy lemonade...YES!
(I should have made a hot cup...I'll do that tomorrow)
I'm in remarkably good spirits and I'm not hungry at all. I'm a little stuffy , but I've heard that's expected. Sneezy McLemonade.
If I have any more revelations I will edit.
Oh and one more thing: What's the downlow on physical activity...some say yea, some nay...any opinions out there?
cheers
kiki
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