Blog: free beauty
by #83416

Several days ago

when everything changes forever

Date:   10/27/2007 7:32:53 PM   ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2161 times

Give me a day off. I thought I would not feel the pain in the heart but I did. Even when we apologised to each other( it was the first time he ever said sorry), I felt a diffuse but wrenching pain permeating my heart. This WAS the man I loved, even though I knew how wrong it was, because of this, that, this, that, this, that....obviously countless wrongs, but a break up always meant one thing--a silent agreement that reconciliation, even as friends, was an absolute impossibility. Contact always provokes too many unwanted hurts. I was never sure of this relationship, always knowing I was ready if either of us wanted out because odds were so high, but I guess over time, becoming so attached and intimate with him, I undressed my cold shield and giving away my heart. I have never given my heart to anyof my ex-boyfriends, which is reason why I never felt strange when I left them after a routine few months. But this man caught me completley off guard, swept me off my feet and captured my heart and we were so in love we fought so many truamatic events together just to stay together. But it was not enough for him. Because I was not ready to leap. There were too many issues in my life that was beyond my control, health was probably on top of the lists and like my friend put it, "you were going through 2 turbulent years where things were not only out of your control, you were not able to handle them."

At times, I feel my ache will explode and I wish I could curl up and cry. At other times, I do not really notice it, in fact I feel as if I was the girl I was meant to be, the happy confident beauty. The girl who used to be less emotional, more focused, optimistic and vibrant. Certainly, things were different the last 2 years. Has it been that long?

He wishes not to talk again. I do not really either, but why is it I still have a yearning to?

But after the evening before, I made a resolution: life can start afresh again. A wide expanse of green fields blooming with daisies sprawling ahead of me, under the cloudless azure blue skies. Then,a little girl appears,a younger version of me. A pretty snow white, with charcoal black hair, deep brown eyes, red sweet lips and white skin. She beckons me and runs ahead. She is so beautiful.

Starting life afresh. So exciting. So frightening.

Well, I will take it a step at a time. Isn't that all I can do, without going crazy?
I can now throw into my studies and make my way to the top of medical school. I know I have the potential. Make it an interest, not a chore. I can give myself 1 month to focus on my health, without having the stress of having to rush the process so that I can get on with my relationship. I want to reinvent my image. I want to change my hairstyle, maybe dye my hair a deep brown (the colour of my eyes) or black with a tinge of sexy red. Alter my dresses, purchase a pair of tight jeans, grab my camera and go travelling around the country. One thing is for sure, I have spent so much of my life since a teenager with one boyfriend to another, I want to just be with my friends right now, the poeple who love me for just who I am and watched me grow up. Why not take a trip to Langkawi or Phuket where I can be closer to nature and a different sort of dream?

I would like a guy but maybe give me a few months. He probably won't be the one. You know, the transition guy, but I am not thinking about any mamber of the male species right now. This is my time. When I am ready, when timing is right, I know he will come along and I will give him all of me. This man I loved, I was not ready, timing was wrong but I was willing to give him everything. This breakup was forseeable, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, from the beginning.

I love you, but now I can move on.

As for the fast, I really need a day off. My gf came over and made my mashed potatoes, one of my sinful delights and told me to eat up. We shared a bowl of cheese doused tortillas and joked at the cheesy scenes--which was regrettably the entire movie-- of "Goldeneye".

I am going to be just fine. My heart is more resilient than I thought, except for those intermittent unpredictable moments. I am a happy, confident beauty, always have been, always will be. Screw him. Screw the last two years. Screw it. Let's start living. There is so much beauty in life. Don't waste it. Chase it, capture it and make love to life.

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