Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad by b2reflect Blog entry

Blog: Finding my way to myself...
by b2reflect

Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad

The journey continues

Date: 10/10/2007 7:16:23 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2986 times

and keep beating myself up about it.

Although I made a decision that I am going to take a few days away at the end of the month. Went to AAA to get a trip ticket and information for the Boston area and New Hampshire. I am taking a road trip! The woman who helped me was talking with me and I told her I am going alone. She asked why. I said this way I can do and see whatever it is I choose, without worrying about someone wanting to be on a schedule. It is time for me to get away.

I have been telling myself the past few days I need to change my eating habits. LOL I went shopping yesterday to buy 'girlie' clothes. Due to my career choice, in this moment (and the past 12 years), I wear jeans and t-shirts for work. I went to buy a few tops that were not just that. I also got 2 'girlie' thermals for work, rather than the men ones I have for the winter. At any rate, while shopping, more precisely trying clothes on, I almost wept. First off, one would think that the dressing room mirror would be made to enhance one's appearance (for the purchase level). I know I need to release weight, except in that mirror, I looked horrible. I have released 8 pounds over the past few months and felt good. That is, until I looked in the mirror at the store!

I had been talking to myself about dancing. I have a DVD which is an exercise/dancing tape. Yet, today when I was going to do it, I talked myself out of it. I seem to keep inhibiting my new behaviors to better myself. I cannot figure out why I am doing this, repeatedly. I begin something and after a couple weeks, I sabatoge myself. As I mentioned in the first blog, I have come too far to not go forward, yet I seem to get stuck in this moment, to not proceed onward.

I guess I am looking to this get away to boost myself in a forward gear. Although, I do realize the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'. I am praying that what I need, in this time, will come to me before I go on the road trip, so I can enjoy it and learn what I need to learn. It has come up to me that there is a reason I am going and I desire to be open to whatever it is...even if it is just a release. I do love the ocean and am looking forward to being near it, for a couple days.

I am going to do what it takes to get myself moving...dancing, exercising (bought a Total Gym, 4-6 weeks ago and still haven't used it) and become aware of what I am eating. I am also going to begin a colon cleanse, as of tomorrow. I purchased Barefoot's LBB and haven't gotten into taking it for more than 3 days.

It is time to move forward. This is the year of Me. I am going to be healthier before I turn 46 in the summer of 2008, in all ways.

Love, Light and Peace,
Beth