Wow....I am so moved by what I am reading here. Yes, life gets pretty F-ed up sometimes, doesn't it. Listen.....I think Red has a pretty solid take on the situation at hand.....the only thing we can control is what we do, how we think, feel, move, react, eat, breathe, etc. WE cannot make our husbands love us or say/do the right things. WE can change what we do and how we react, however. Our children NEED us....but they need us working towards wholeness.....something that is hard to even think of finding when we are in self-loathing and when our life looks like a sad sack of crap. Let's agree to work together and make the choice to live the life we were created to live....one of meaning and of purpose. We cannot make things straighten out over night, but step by step we can move in a new and better direction. Mayavi.....I will be thinking of you as I fall to sleep tonight. My heart is full for you and your situation. Tonight I will pray that God will shine new light into the darkness of your thoughts and life and show you the path that is there for you and how to begin to walk in a new direction. Please stick in here with us....we're all looking for the same goal, I think. Peace to you, precious soul.