- End of short fast by labellavita
17 y
2,784 3 Messages Shown
Blog: I gotta gotta do this 21 day June fast
I had to interrupt my fast today because the mother of a child I am tuitioning insisted that I tried her luxuriant dumplings she specially bought for me. Sigh. Anyway, I will restart the 21 day water fast tomorrow--again. No more excuses.
I had a weak moment today when I broke down. Life is such a paradox. I am such a strong character yet I have such a fragile inner core. Although I have struggled with my weight since young (no, I am not fat), a consequent of my multiple eating disorders and diet changes, today it hit me very hard when I saw girls my age being able to flaunt their bodies, especially their flawless skin. I hate that my legs are the worst affected and it worries me so hard whether a long fast will fix it. I hate my eczema and it made me so upset and angry with myself the emotions poured out in silent tears. I hate the way I look now. I hate being ugly. I really hate it. My physical problems--eczema and some extra weight--are causing me to lose an overall stability, which contributes to my irritability, distractability and self-deprecation. It is a double-edge sword. On one hand, it motivates me to finish the fast. On the other hand, the frustration at myself intensifies my emotional binging tendencies. For the first time, I really feel grostesque.
Yes, I should not be so melodramatic. Nobody is perfect and life is never fair. Everybody has a weakness that they wish they never had. I have been blessed in many areas of my life but my health is my headache. Yes, it is not entirely nature's fault; I did make some very negative lifestyle choices from a young age. But there is no point reminiscing. I just have to keep going on. Just take to heart that this is just one of God's greatest challenge for me. I am meant to learn from this lesson. When I have learnt, this will pass.
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labellavita
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- again by naravahanadata
17 y
2,134
Dear Isabella,
there's something seriously wrong with me. It always takes me ages to realize that you have started a different blog yet again.. ;-) Well, finally I have noticed, huh :)
Anyways.. Even though I understand completely how you feel, I agree wholeheartedly with what Goodsamaritan (on curezone) says - eczema is actually a blessing. It tells us there's something wrong and it manifests itself on the outside (there are worse ways of learning there's something wrong, believe me - my mum died of cancer and I believe it wasn't necessary at all). Your frustration and self-hatred is not a symptom, it's one of the reasons, one of the major things that "are wrong". I know you struggle hard to heal yourself in and out and fasting is a tremendous help once we've gotten thus far, but I believe the roots are elsewhere. It's all in our head and soul, the way we treat ourselves (and the people around us when it comes to it). I myself bear a lot of grudge against myself and at the top I hate myself for hating myself ;-) A kind of vicious circle. Finding my place in myself is my primary goal now, I try very hard not to try so hard since basically all that's gong on is a good thing - it's here to teach us something and all we have to do is listen carefully. I find philosophy this very calming.
Please, Isabella, don't compare yourself with all the other girls, the skin, the blah blah blah.. You are absolutely unique, nobody else is even close to what you are. Finding yourself (and you seem to be doing a great job there) is crucial. Love. Plus how can one love the beloved without loving oneself? I struggle in a similar way, let's head there and hope we get there with as few detours as possible :)
Love
Vanda
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naravahanadata
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- Re: again by labellavita
17 y
2,108
Thank you Vanda. Your words are like a candle in a dark tunnel.
I restarted the fast today and wrote in the first entry about gratefulness and appreciation. I was inspired and invigorated by your message (sorry about your mother, you had not mention before) and reminded of a story I read recently "A child among us". The story tells of a little handsome blond 8 year old boy who appeared out of nowhere. He never spoke but he had a magnificent light. Everyone of whom he came by was touched by this illumination and their lives became happy and wishes came true. He brought love and hope into the community and most of all, appreciation for all that God has given. But he never spoke. His tender kind actions to all creatures burst forth love more immense than any words could express. Then, as strangely as he came, one day he mysteriously disappeared. Like an angel.
Fasting alone is a daunting process. I am thankful that I have God and support like you. I can see metamorphosis transpiring but my impatience often gets the better of me; I wish everything could be fixed just at one snap of the fingers. And yes, sometimes I overthink and overdo when I should just be.
I will heed your words and keep a copy in my pocket everyday. Thank you my dear.
I wish you well too. I hope summer in Czechoslovakia is beautiful.
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labellavita
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