- Searching for a New Identity by mindmover
19 y
2,489 4 Messages Shown
Blog: Warrior Of Light
Once you realize that everything you are, or have been is just a dream, and usually someone elses dream, life can get really confusing. You still have to do the laundry, eat, drink to stay alive, and interact with others who have been created, conditioned, mechanized into movement by outsides sources with all but altruistic intent.
We have lost touch with our Self. But who are we? How does one act in this world?
Searching for a new identity wasn't as easy as buying a new suit. Well, if I could erase everything instantly that had to do with my old identidy and upload everything I wanted for my new identity, then maybe it could be. The problem is, I didn't know how to get rid of the old programming and finding the right new programs to upload and run on was more complicated then at first it seemed. Not to mention, you have to become concious enough, or "aware" enough of "thyself" to know what programming has been built into your thought patterns. You have to notice it, and disassociate yourself from it. This is a must. I worked, and am still working at this. But like I said, its a proccess. You have to also begin putting in new information that feeds your growth and your progress because nature abhores a void. You must put in the new while weeding out the old. Acting differently becoming a new person, a new being, shaving of the layers of the false self that have been piled high begins by reacting less, and contemplating your own thoughts and feelings more. Most of us take the way we think and feel for granted, as if thats WHO WE ARE, and what WE THINK. This is delussional. One has to realize that everything "we are" and "we think" is not us at all, it is a conglomeration of thought forms, ideas, patterns and constraints that have been passed down to us from outside sources. Their is programming much less inhibiting and allows to function in much more efficient, higher states of consciousness.
I was going down this road. Social Science with an emphasis in Sociology was my first attempt at trying to understand myself and society and the relationship that is formed between the two. I was able to study pscyhology, philosophy, history and my favorite sociology. I was able to break things down, anaylyze things an contemplate things constantly. I took thinks and integrated them into my intellectual thought patterns. I broke everything down, I looked for the roots. Why do I feel this way, or think that way. I found that many things I felt, thought, or believed, were not actually true, per say. They were relative to my perception and nothing more. This became really debasing and scary to say the least. One doesn't want to let go of his/her sense of belief, ideas and understanding, even if it can be seen to be only relative, a isolated perception. I also realized that although, because of my socialization and conditioning I shared similar perceptions to many around me in my society, my perception was singular, meaning I was completely isoloated in my unique perception of reality from any of the other 6 billion people on the planet. No body saw what I saw, thought what I thought, or experienced what I experienced, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. WHAT A TRIP!! This infinite-ness of creatin was mind boggling.
I had to get a better view, I at least had to get a better perception which allowed me to see from many different relative perceptions at the same time, to not hold to any particular reality but have a frame of reference to each that I came in contact with. For this I need better programming, less reaction to the outsie world, and more inner observation and control of old patterns. I began reading many spiritual books, self-growth books, and smoking a lot of pot. Ok, so the pot did help my mental expansion during that period of time, eventually it became a hinderance to my evolution, at least in the fashion that I was using it.
With all the new ideas swimming in my head it was hard to ACT. I was stuck in my head, old patterns fighting with new ideas, a plethora of new ideas. To many paths to go down, too much information to process and integrate. Swimming in and endless sea of information and ideas, I was lost at sea without a paddle, drifting on the endless waves of thoughts and ideas which never stop teaming, and eternally flow in and out of material manifestation.
What would I become, how would I choose to think. If I created myself consciously, from scratch, what would that look like? What is the best way to make oneself? Forgetting what the T.V. said, what church said, what my parents said, what my teachers said. What ideas would I choose to go forth from. Whose thoughts would become my abode? What would rest in my mind and cause me to act or not act in conjunction which what reality? What perception. Overwhelmed to say the least, I plugged forward. Working meaningless jobs to pay bills, selling weed on the side to make it through college. Taking classes, some stimulating some restricting, always way below my potential. I knew I was vast, vast beyond this prison of mind that confined me. I wanted to break free, I wanted to be done with these limiting thoughts which bound me, But they were holding onto me, they were prison guards trying to keep me in a cell with no bars. Tyrants of mind. Slavery could not longer be practiced by physical force, but with the realm of thought controlled, with mind being subjugated, slavery still exists. I was enslaved, my freedom of thought had been taken from me. I had been programmed. I wanted free of these limiting ideas more and more every day, to seek oblivion and live amongst the stars with the divine essence of my being. I wanted to dissolve, I was tired of this silly and insanely meaningless teaming of thought forms and ideas which have no connection, no soul, no divinity. I wanted to scream. On occasion, I did. I drank myself into oblivion, smoked myself to oblivion, I chased women, but I knew, deep inside, in the remote regions of my being that running, and distracting myself wouldn't help, and only make things more miserable, I had to become, I had to do the work. I had to uproot the lies that were in my head, I had to see beyond the relativity I had to attain higher states of mind. I had to become that which was true, beyond perception, beyond relativity. I had to become divinity in itself. I had to become an illumed soul, I had to attain enlightenment. I knew the power was limitless, the balance was percise, the wisdom inneffalbe. Anything was possible. Seeing outside the box was a way it had to be. I knew all of this, but it didn't matter that I knew it, it changed nothing, because the work still had to be done. I had to act.
Action can be thought, can be physical. I thought through things, I still do, but I read, took on new thoughts and ideas, I rejected old patters and made changes to my being. This all taking place while I was in school at San Diego State University. It was hard in the in between places, an old thought idea pulling you in one direction and a new one pulling you in another. Leaving you split in two, literally torn apart at the seems. Awarenesses have a hold of you, thoughts rule you. You give them live and they like that life, they don't want to lose it, to lose you. They are no more or less real than anything else. Just like an animal that is cornered gets ready to attack, so a thought that you try to let go of seems to barrage your mind and make a counter attack back into your consciousness. In psychology they have a term for this, "extinction burst". Its the last attempt of a thought, patter or behavior at holding on to you, to your mind, before you finally conquer it. This I felt and still feel often. I was killing parts of myself, starving them. But not to worry, they were never really me, just false thoughts and ideas about self that had been transfixed into my mind. I would cut them down, I am a warrior, and warriors vanquish foes who seek to steal their peace.
These foes usually manifest internally, when the battle is a battle for consciousness.
After much searching reading and journeying, I was to find myself studying eastern philosophy, Daoism, Buddhism and things in this realm. I was becoming much more attuned to ancient truths and spirituality was beginning to find its way back into my life. Little did I know that a life changing experience was about to present itself to me, little did I know that a turn in my path was about to happen and shift my life, myself, and my perception forever......
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mindmover
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- A More Authentic self! by mooney
19 y
1,677
Deconstruction of a false sense of self is a brave and scary business, but the only business that leads to a true sense of self and a authentic life, any other life is a waste of life, maybe a comfortable life but still a waste, lived in fear and frustration.
An adapted false self is built on the need to be loved and thus cared for, there is nothing wrong in this need except to the adult sense of independence’s and desire to be in total control. As children and baby's we are in the scary position of depending on others on the people who care for us to met our needs. We adapt ourselves inn order to have our needs met. There is no shame in this we are programmed to survive this is a survive mechanism.
We build an identity in order to survive, but the identity we build in order to survive is precisely what ends up destroying us because we our not an identity. We' re not what we identify with or to, we are so much more then that, we are our unique selves and channels of the universe, not to put too much of a cosmic slant on this, but we are a beautiful combination unique wholeness.
Unfortunately in this dysfunctional world, neither of the above virtue are allowed we act out of need and survival and become something which we are not meant to be, we can then spend a life time feeling at dis ease over the struggle to hide and protect what we feel to be are unacceptable selves.
If we are fortunate enough we enter the Dark Night of the Soul we examine our self's in a more honest light and the de-construction of the false sense of self will start to materialise. The point of which we reach a sense of no self is completely terrifying but also totally spiritual in orientation. From here if we are luck, we being the process of building a more authentic self.
Good luck and best thoughts..Moonie
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mooney
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- Re: A More Authentic self! by mindmover
19 y
1,657
I appreciate your response, so much truth in what you said. Deconstruction is difficult, especially when you don't know what to put back in after you've torn things down. What is genuine? What truly will allow one's soul to flourish. Their is great fear associated with this process, because one does want to be cared for,and supported, loved at a very deep level, always looking to do what others expect of oneself to a degree. Only time will tell where things will lead, I guess its truly a journey with no destination. Thanks for reading and your comment Moonie.
Love and Light
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mindmover
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- Re: A More Authentic self! by been there done that
18 y
1,598
Hello Mindmover,
I was searching at Curezone for some of my poems and noticed your blog of 8 months ago because I am interested in the subject of identity. I am a Christian (an unconventional one who has suffered 51 years of suicidal depression). I was born into a family that quickly showed how dysfunctional a family can get. My parents first separated when I was 15 and they later divorced, but I knew years earlier that they weren't right for each other. I was chosen to be the flunky of my family before I was ten, so, as far as my upbringing, I was alienated from my family and developed an inferiority complex that followed into all parts of my life. Children of divorce often have suicidal depression through late adulthood. All of my life, from time to time (maybe every month or so), I had a feeling that something was wrong (something, somewhere, somehow, in some way, was wrong or didn't connect or was missing, IN MY LIFE, my PAST). When I was 51, I heard someone talk about their divorce and wondered how their two young children would be affected. Then I realized that the chidren also would be estranged and have the same feeling unless their mother remarried a good father and they had a good family life. I discovered that the "feeling" I always had wasbecause my identity (as being PART of a family and PART of society) was never established,...that's what was 'wrong'. It was like looking into a mirror, but in that mirror, there is no existence, not even I existed (I never existed),...remember, it's a mirror, not a picture (like Michael J. Fox could see in the movie BACK TO THE FUTURE). Because it was a mirror, whenever I looked in the direction of that mirror, the reflection was reflecting NOTHING because my identity was never established, so, I couldn't see the mirror and NEVER existed (in my mind, identity).
Since I love the creator, I have now made Him more meaningful in my life (because He is also 'Father to the fatherless' and one of His other names in the bible is "I AM". He wants us to know who we are (if you saw the movie with Austin Powers and remember the character 'MINI-ME', a kind of 'chip off the old block', then you can understand that the true SELF is realizing that we are the offspring of 'I AM' and that He is the REFERENCE POINT of all life).
I am not trying to proselytize you, I am only explaining my understanding so that we might be able to trade notes (I am still working on CONSCIOUSNESS of SELF).
My understanding is that, since Adam and Eve ate of the tree of conscience, we inherited the ability to develop a conscience and are now CONSCIOUS of 'self' and therefore responsible (and held accountable) for what we do. Traditional Christianity misunderstands and doesn't realize SELF. Since I am still learning/studying/trying to acheive CONSCIOUSNESS, I would like to understand what you have learned.
Please e-mail back to me what you have learned about acheiving a CONSCIOUSNESS. Maybe we can trade notes.
been there done that
greg1f00@aol.com
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been there done that
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CureZone