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This message had been posted a number of times over the years, and it's always helpful to anyone who might be confused or living within the environment of abuse and domestic violence. Just because special holidays or milestones come up does not mean that an abuser's promise to "change" or "get better" is going to come to fruition. It won't.
https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=796401
Read on:
"'Tis the Season for victims of abuse, narcissism, and/or sociopathy to be WARY. Holidays are the perfect time for an abuser to act out with impugnity - he/she has the excuse of being stressed, under the proverbial gun, and being financially "strapped." All of these ingredients bake up for serious trouble, to be sure.
In my case, the days preceding whatever event were peppered with a lot of withold/reward episodes, especially with regard to the children. For example, my abuser would say (behind closed doors, of course), "If you don't get your parents to help us pay for Christmas, the kids won't have anything to open!" Or, another favorite was, "You aren't 'authorized' to use the checkbook. I earn the money that goes into that account." Under that directive, we went several Holidays without what I would consider to be a proper Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. I mean, come on! Hot dogs for Christmas? Knowing the numerous facets of abuse finally helped me to recognize what a codependant victim I had become! Spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, religious, and verbal abuse all have one thing in common: dehumanizing the victim. And, I experienced all of the above symptoms to one degree or another for well over a decade until I realized that I was too fearful to commit suicide, and that I didn't want to murder my abuser and leave my kids without a parent.
"But, what about the children? They shouldn't have to see their father/mother taken off by the cops on Christmas!" is a typical response of denial. Children absorb everything that they are exposed to: music, art, poetry, beatings, verbal abuse, denial, etc. What they observe in their family dynamics is what they will equate to normality. If not for one's Self, the victims of abuse must take a proactive step to safeguard innocent lives that had no choice in whom their parents would be. In addition, a child will recognize that abusive behavior will not be tolerated.
"But, I love him/her and he/she loves me!" is another response that is not only typical, but textbook (my case, included!). No, an abuser does not, DOES NOT, DOES NOT love their victims. The abuser only loves one thing: control, control, and more control over his/her property. And, those qualities that the victims fell in love with never existed - the kind, caring, giving person that seemed to exist was a facade intended to reel in the unsuspecting victim. To the abuser, the victim holds no more meaning than any other object - the victim is equated to property (and, this is NOT flattering, folks), much like a straw that one places in a fast-food drink.
Be aware of the reward/withold tactic. If your partner starts to exhibit a more-than-usual level of glee with regard to your emotional discomfort, be very, very wary - he/she is setting the stage for a round of abuse that could possibly end in violence. If the violence starts, CALL THE COPS! Pack your stuff, your kids' stuff, and call a family member (if your partner hasn't managed to isolate you from them, yet), and get to a safe place, whether it's a friend, family member, or shelter. No matter what promises that the abuser makes in an attempt to draw back his/her victim(s), they must not be taken as bond - I know this from personal experience. Once the victim goes back, the situation may be smooth for a week or month, but once there's an opportunity to further dehumanize and objectify the victim, whatever abuse that the victim was experiencing prior to leaving will become much worse, more violent, and extend to the children (if it hasn't, already). If you are planning on leaving, make your plans in absolute secret and contact your local Social Services office, ASAP (from a pay phone, if necessary) - they will be able to direct you to safe housing, employment opportunities, and priceless counseling. They will also be able to put you in contact with Legal Aid and/or attorneys that specialize in abuse cases. The abuse counselors will be able to prepare the survivor for what they can expect from the abuser and how to prepare.
Best wishes of the Season to all out there, particularly those who are living in fear, misery, and hopelessness. There is a better space of peace and self-assurance, and ridding myself of the denial was the first step to surviving and healing. God bless!"
BSA Educational Eric B
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RN Educational Eric B
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www.thehotline.com
You are living in an abusive relationship and your children are learning how to be abusive by watching the interactions between you and their father.
White Shark is spot-on. Get out, regardless of money. Money will not ever buy this man a conscience, nor will it ever buy you and your children safety. There are agencies and organizations that will help you and your children to get on your feet.
Additionally, avoid ALL relationships for a couple of years after you've been legally divorced. Get involved in some counseling therapy to learn how to make strong choices for yourself and your children.
I lost everything that I owned and ended up homeless, very, very sick, and without any means of income when I ended my second marriage. I learned that the ex spouse had raided my private investments and that I would never recover a dime from him. I have lived in poverty ever since. BUT..........I am not afraid, I don't have to beg anyone else for my needs to be met, and I am well on my healing path after intensive therapy and the hard work to get there. You (and, anyone else) can do this, too. Don't allow money and / or security to be the reason to remain in an abusive environment. NOTHING is worth that.......your children will either develop into perfect victims, themselves, or abusers like their father. If they see that you make wise decisions and are willing to sacrifice material things in order to preserve your health and theirs, it will make an impact upon them - that women aren't objects to be used or abused.
Then......there's the very distinct possibility that he will eventually be arrested and charged with some type of sex crime. So, get rid of him, now, before he takes you and your children down the toilette with him.
Brightest blessings to you.
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