Day 6, stage to transform my life--the miracle I await by gotcha862003 Blog entry

Blog: Breaking free from chains of my past
by gotcha862003

Day 6, stage to transform my life--the miracle I await

“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment”
Dale Carnegie quotes (American lecturer, author, 1888-1955)

Date: 10/10/2006 11:22:32 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2267 times

“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment”
Dale Carnegie quotes (American lecturer, author, 1888-1955)

Sleep: 3 hrs(troubled hence could not sleep)
BM: yes, needed laxative
urine:normal
breathing: blocked one side, pass out mucus intermittently throughout the day, poor olfactory ability as if sensory nerve severed
tongue:coated, but result not accurate due to premature stopping and restarting of detox
skin: interim between old and new skin, bruises most healed, some wounds at joints are prone to re-opening due to itch at this area, puffiness observed after food consumption, generally smooth
exercise: later
sunbathe: hazy here no sun, but I really don't want to expose myself more than 5 minutes anymore becuase I like being fair and retaining my golden skin

Overall feeling: bloated, food makes me cringe, trying to remain hopeful as I try to recall the quote "Life has taught me better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is, so much so that the things we go worrying about are of no importance whatsoever"--I also have to remember and keep my eye on God who loves me and will answer my prayers if I follow him in obedience and faith, hoping to be pretty again, nauseated with the desire to run to the cubicle and vomit, spiritual war

Incident: As I recorded previously, my parents were apparently adopting an abrupt new tactic of niceness after so many years. Today, I realized it was just a facade. I came back from an evening stroll while my parents were out. I returned before they did and came upstairs to some work at my labtop. My aunt, who is not on good terms with me for her annoyingly hypocritical behaviour, apparently started to bad-mouth me when my parents return. Suspecting I was still out, I overheard loud evil words about me. Not desiring to cut-short their spite, I sat quietly, a little miffed. I finally went downstairs to get some water and told off my aunt and mum. It was a show all along, and yet I believed my friend who suggested "maybe she was enlightened by something". Apparently not. If you have any advice on difficult parents, please advice.

Incident: I want to confess because my soul is very turbulent. First, I ended my first 1/4 of the fast with a breaking. Though it was not heavy,I was down with instant constipation. Tried laxatives, tried rice for mass, lots of water but the discomfort is tremendous and provokes incredible worry. Second, I seem to have lost interest in food completely despite the breaking. Satan poses no problem, but a lax on my part--I obligated myself because I felt no harm could be done. Third, I have a lot of work to complete, about 8 thick books to complete in 10 days. The stress is so overhwelming I want to run to the toilet and vomit. Fourth, I have not been sleeping the last few days, partly because I cannot and partly because I was masking my pain with some food. I feel as if my soul is bleeding unreplenishable fuel. Fifth, I am angry I am not at school toiling because my body disallows me to perform how I want myself to. I feel so screwed up, as if I have accomlished nothing. Sixth, I am weary with so much absurd thoughts that sweep my mind like a series of tsunamis.I feel like quiting. But quit and go where? do what? how would everyone feel? how would i feel? what about work? what about tutorial? what about pbl? what about library? what about getting my camera? there goes another explosion of ensuing anxieties. Seventh, what is wrong with me? Why is it I feel so untamemable inside? Why do I have thoughts of inqdequacy? Why do I think of hurting myself? Has God deserted me? IS this a punishment? Have I deserted him? (Have I deserted God? This is a moot point.Let me pray and see what today God may teach me. I will pen down musings later.)

What helped?

1. Napping
2. Talking to someone
3. Involving the mind in a new problem
4. Walking fast

What did not help?

1. Crying
2. Whining
3. Dwelling
4. Piano (because it requires total aabsorption into the music)

Incident: This is my second time experiencing a spiritual struggle happening inside of me. I was saved only recently and first struggles post-save was on the first day of stage 1 water-fasting. I had to deal with a kind, chasing away tone with Satan many times before he yielded and disappeared from me--that was how I truly lost appetite. The next few days a new ccalming presence swathed me and sustained me briefly before it departed, leading me into the last few days of growing internal chaos, as if I had lost my bearing. I began to grow complecent and oblige myself for I saw my actions was not inimical to myself or anyone. This was a huge mistake. My newly developed veneer of faith was now cracked with danger-enticing crevices, with a lack of adherence and obedience to the word of God. Today, I was a mess and felt a strange eriee feeling hovering nearby, like a black mist that swathed then disappeared then reappeared even more huantingly than before. It paralyzed me and altered my thinking nad behavioural patterns which I sensed amiss. Unlike the illusioning jovial tone in the past, this time it was a coax--a tug. I understood it in the evening as Satan had returned. I was scared and cried and called immediately for help and comfort.

This reminded me 2 things
1. I am vulnerable and will be attack-prone to evil wherever, whenever.
2. God is still on my side.

Exhortations for Spiritual Warfare

Ephesian6:10 Finally, be strengthened in the Lord and in the strength of his power. 6:11 Clothe yourselves with the full armor of God so that you may be able to stand against the schemes 21 of the devil. 6:12 For our struggle 22 is not against flesh and blood, 23 but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world rulers of this darkness, 24 against the spiritual forces 25 of evil in the heavens. 26 6:13 For this reason, take up the full armor of God so that you may be able to stand your ground 27 on the evil day, and having done everything, to stand. 6:14 Stand firm therefore, by fastening 28 the belt of truth around your waist, 29 by putting on the breastplate of righteousness, 6:15 by fitting your 30 feet with the preparation that comes from the good news 31 of peace, 32 6:16 and in all of this, 33 by taking up the shield 34 of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation 35 and the sword 36 of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 6:18 With every prayer and petition, pray 37 at all times in the Spirit, and to this end 38 be alert, with all perseverance and requests for all the saints. 6:19 Pray 39 for me also, that I may be given the message when I begin to speak 40 – that I may confidently make known 41 the mystery of the gospel, 6:20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may be able to speak boldly as I ought to speak.