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just when i thought i was in control
bit of a step backwards...but its not too bad
Date: 5/25/2006 3:33:34 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3880 times out pops its nasty head emotional eating. combination of things lead to it but basically i lost control. last nite i binged. not so much that what i ate was bad it was more the manner in which i ate. i couldnt get it into my mouth quick enough. i scoffed down so much fruit i nearly burst and it was straight out of the grocery bag i didnt even make it to the car. this was a regular occurence BF (before fast) but this is the first time in close to 6 months i have doen anythign remotely liek this. then i got home and craved beer and peanuts well i sculled two beers and two huge handfulls of roasted peanuts.
okay i have talked about my cravings before and i acknowledge them and allow them but this was different. normally i plan what i will eat. for example i wanted sushi really bad so i said ok saturday you have as much sushi for lunch, the day before yuo eat raw and day after raw and i run to make up for it. but this cravign just took hold and i didnt plan and i gave in and lost control.
what lead to it is a cobination of frustration lonelines celebration and a dont give a f#@$% attitude. frustrated becasue for the last 3 weeks i have only dropped 1 pound despite fasting three days a week raw 2-3 and very ligth meals plus loads of exercise. lonley becasue my husband is constantly away and im sick of being a single mum and i miss him awfully. celebration becasue i finished work for summer and im done and i go home in less than two weeks. yahoo! and the dont give a hoot attitude was i just want to do it, ive lost close to 60 pound one nite of bad behaviour is not goign to undo all this work. all of which are valued emotions but i have learnt to cope with them in the last 6 months minus the food. this time food was the bandaid. i guess old habits are still lurking in the back ground...i need to be vigilent. i am never goign to be normal when it comes to food. i am always goign to have to monitor. mmmmmm.
another interesting thing happened this week i juiced sunday, monday, and tuesday wednesday i decided to go raw. (so not only did i binge i also broke a fast completely the wrong way another first) but while fasting for the first time since i started my journey i really felt like i was depriving myself of food and i just wanted no more of it. i wanted to be normal and stop this whole madness. this is the first time i have felt this i... usually i feel like i am doign such a great thing for my body when i fast and feel better than when i eat. so i have decided to hang my fasting boots up for a bit. i still think it is the best thing i have ever learnt to do but i need to take a break. part of the reason i was fasting was to get down to my goal weight. i am three pounds off...how silly is that. so what! just accept the 3 pounds and get over yourself julie!...is one train of thogut and the other....oh my god you still have more than 3 pounds to go...more like 18 until my body will look the way i want it to. agghhhh i think this is also a result of spending far too much time alone and need my husband with me to feel more normal.
two things happened after my binge (and i know it wasnt that bad what i ate it is again the manner and the loss of control) i of course felt annoyed but i kind of got over that and saw it for what it was a momentary lapse in reason. not goign to beat myself up about it get over it etc etc...but then about 40 min later my body punished me serverly. i have blogged before about my stomach aches which i thought was protein but since discovered it is fat. gallbladder i believe. well the nuts gave me hell. i was doubled over at 10 pm, 11.30 pm, 1.3pm 4pm and finally asleep at 5pm. i did managed to catch some sleep in between what i can only describe as episodes of severe pain. i threw up, i was on the toilet, i was cramped over, i was in the shower, walking around the house, in bed, making hot water bottles to lay on my stomach and back- nothing helped. again i seriously thought about going to emergency room but knew that my body was jsut reactign to the peanuts adn it would pass. god i was pissed at myself for eatign those nuts when i knew what they would do to my stomach. it was a thogut going though my head when i was opeing the shells but i didnt listen.....must listen to my thougths. so.... i am definately in need of a liver flush which i cant commit to over summer. so fat is off the menu (well it was never on but lets just say those damn peanuts where not worth it). i am definately going to fix this problem but jsut not now.
and as far as the whole goal weight thing well maybe im there. i am now done to a size 8 some things a size 6. i weigh 143 pounds at 5'4' and thats not too shabby. i was 200 pounds at the start of this year in a size 18 or 16. i do still feel like i want to lose more wieght. but not at the cost of my sanity. not at the cost of the growth i have made, the strengh i have found and the power that is mine. so its all about living and lovign and moderation and this is my goal.
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