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1/26/14: Disappointment, Sadness and Darkness
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 1/27/2014 5:21:08 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 10636 times January 26, 2014
“That's the thing about pain," Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. "It demands to be felt”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
My day started off good. I felt more whole and especially warmer then I was Friday. I almost felt chipper and wanted to clean, pick up things, work on my novel, etc. But I ended up just relaxing a lot through out the day. No reason to jump into working my body into a frenzy when I had taxed it so the last 5 days. (I am sure I could have done more, but I guess Sundays are meant to be a bit lazy)
I read a bit, snuggled with my Mekong and took a nap. Took a long hot shower and thought about how looser my clothes will fit once I lose a bit more weight. Contemplated painting my toenails (but didn't). read some more and took another nap.
It was around Noon, when I got extremely sad. I don't know if I was I was reading a lot of news online. Maybe it was I was reading about this baby being born on the way to the hospital. Maybe it was because I read about how Marlise Munoz, was taking off line support, and she finally was allowed to rest in peace and her damaged unborn child passed on with her on Saturday. Maybe it was seeing simple things on Facebook between others saying “I love you, Baby” or “I miss you”, that made me feel so utter alone in this world.
I know that I made some poor choices in my life. And I have made choices that I wonder if I made wrong (when it comes to some men). I wondered why I am so alone when I have a heart filled with love just like so many other women my age or younger that have love in their lives. I pondered if I make mistakes about this guy or that guy. Did the stress and fear of telling D, I was pregnant over two years ago, cause me to miscarry. Maybe if I had told him sooner, maybe my heart would have de-stressed a lot.
I wondered if I am my mother's damaged child. Do I carry the curse to never having a child and to be married because my own mother married repeatedly. Am I really scared to have those things? Honestly, yes. It does scare me, but I have never gotten that close to really address them. I was engaged only one, and with that, I found the guy was cheating on me. I tried to repair the rift, but it was too torn, and I realized he wasn't interested in being honest with me anymore.
So I cried most of the day. I cried trying to read a book. I cried looking at my wonderful photos of D and me on New Year's Eve. I cried while I snuggled with Mekong. I looked myself in the mirror later and only saw a woman with the sad eyes, that looked like she hadn't slept well. There is a line under my right eye. It is faint, but that appears over two years ago, when I found out that I was pregnant. I was frightened and worried on what D. would think. I spent hours crying over the weeks, and the little line/wrinkle appear under my right eye. I got it from crying so much. It was what I secretly call the Burden line of the little bean. It doesn't show up much, only when I have been crying a lot. I know it is normal to obtain small wrinkles around the eyes, but this one wasn't there before until after I got pregnant.
Sigh.
Maybe I feel disappointed in my life. I haven't heard from my mother since she moved to Florida some time after January 16th. She said she wanted to be left alone, after all I was doing is calling her to see if she was okay (as she was traveling through many states from Michigan, with a dog and two cats in tow). She hasn't checked in, so I just assume she made it to Florida okay. I haven't heard nothing from her.
Maybe it is because D. hasn't said much to me at all. And that makes me feel lost because at one time we talked about everything and anything. Maybe I just stop caring and walk away from him. Maybe I just allow my heart to bled to death and try to live without him in my life.
I just really feel like a major screw up right now. I struggle to grasp my goals, and move forward toward something new and exciting, but it is hard, when doing it alone. I am just trying to amuse myself so I can move on. I really thought about opening my Bible and reading it. Maybe my loneliness is me just missing Jesus, since I used to talk to Him all the time in my prayers. Heck, I haven't prayed for anything in so long, I can't remember that last time I did. I don't pray, because at this point in time, if feels so fake to me. God doesn't listen. I am not going to be a whiner in what I want. And I am not really in want of anything major. I have everything I really need it life.
Sigh.
Today is really hard. Harder then some Sundays are for me. Maybe coming off the water fast, slammed me down into the ground, as being a screw up or something. I don't know. All I do know is that being alone really is one of the worst things in the the world to try to endure. I have done it for a long time. And it is getting really old.
The Things that I accomplished already today are:
January 26, 2014
√ Fed my cats and loved on them
√ Read A lot
√ Work on my Budget
√ Make sure that my faucets are streaming
√ Charged my Nook (again)
√ Check my pipes
√ Pick up trash
The Things I want to accomplish before I go to bed:
January 26, 2014
Make my Bed
Call my Dad
Read more
Stop crying
Go to bed early
My Newest weekly goals:
WEEKLY GOAL FOR JANUARY 26th -FEBRUARY 1st, 2014
1. Work on Budget
2. Write in Journal 7 times
3. Read the Bible at least 7 times
4. Write 1,000 words in my novel
5. Crochet and knit at least 5 times
6. Create a piece of Artwork
7. Save $10.00 in savings
8. Write rough draft of Bickle story
9. Water Fast (maybe, thinking about it)
WORK ON BUDGET: I worked on my Budget a little bit. I am already for the week. It should be easy, as I really can't spend any money other than paying my lot rent. So this week should be easy to keep on track.
WRITE IN JOURNAL 7 TIMES: I didn't write in my journal. I haven't felt like writing much at all. No excuse. Just having a bad day, I guess. I will try to catch up, as I am really getting behind and making this a habit of not writing anymore.
FINISH A BOOK: I am still currently trying to finish my book on the Nook. I still have about 400 more pages to go before I finish it. I hopefully will finish it by Friday if I keep it up.
WRITE 1,000 WORDS ON MY NOVEL: Yeah, this will be fun. I am having issues with writing and now I have to accomplish this. I will try to work on this a little each day. I haven' the heart to work on it today. I guess this is what I get for writing these goals out at the beginning of the month. I thought I would be more on top with these type of goals.
CROCHET 5 TIMES: Nope. I haven't started this, but earlier in the morning, I was chipper enough, that I almost grabbed some of my projects and started them, but I didn't.
READ BIBLE 7 TIMES: Nope. I almost started this as well. But the urge wasn't strong enough to make me open my Bible that has been laying under one of my pillows on my Bed.
SAVE $10.00 IN SAVINGS: I might have this to take out on Friday, but if not (because of my lot rent is a very large amount of my check) I will take it out the following week, when I take out my $20.00. So I will end up taking out $30.00 instead of just $20.00.
CREATE A PIECE OF ARTWORK: I have to think about this one. I might do a water color or a colored pencil drawing. I have to think about this one a day or two.
WRITE ROUGHT DRAFT OF BICKLE STORY: I want to write a story about my travel mascot, Bickle Hopefinder Bunnybunns. He is a funny little bunny that I crocheted back in 2012. My sister suggested that I should write a children's story about Bickle and his adventures. I am just working out an idea, so if I want to go forward with this, I can. I need to come up with an idea that might appeal to children.
WATER FAST: I haven't figure out when I am going to water fast again, but I might as well think about when I might do it again and mark it out on my calendar if I am going to do it.
I did a little bit of research after I ate some Campbell soup as there is so much about GMO's and I never checked to see if Campbell was one of them. Guess what? They are and they are full of them. That isn't a good thing since I really enjoy eating the Chunky soup by the company. I read scary article about the reason why people are causing cancer so young, and why people are coming up with tumors and other aliments. It is because of the GMOs that some animals are eating and they are passed on in the meat, as well as the GMOs are in corn and other modified plants. It makes me worry about even more what I am putting in my body. I have to do a bit more research on this. I do know a little bit about GMOs but not enough to know how much is just the media talking or how much is really true.
It almost makes me worry to find out what I might find. It doesn't sound good at all, regardless. I try to get a lot of fresh fruit and veggies, but some things like soups, milk, chicken, beef, breads and other things like cereals are full of GMOs that have not be labeled. So I don't know how much I am ingesting unless I purchase “Organic” only. I have to start looking close on what I am purchasing from now on.
MY FOOD LOG FOR: January 26, 2014
BREAKFAST: (Around 9:30 a.m.) A bowl of Cambell's Chunky New England Clam Chower (The whole can)
DRINK: Water
SNACK: (Around 11:00 p.m.) Subway 6 inch Chicken Bacon Ranch sub with provolone cheese with spinach, green peppers, onions, black olives, yellow banana peppers, a little bit of ranch and mayo.
DRINK:Water
LUNCH: (Around 1:30 p.m.) A bowl of Cambell's Chunky Philadelphia Cheese steak soup (The whole can)
SNACK: None
DINNER: (Around 3: 00 p.m.) A bowl of Cambell's Chunky Sirloin Burger and County Vegetable soup (The whole can)
SNACK: (around 6 p.m.) one clementine
DAILY MORALE: Devastatingly lonely
POSITIVE THING: My cat, Mekong. She snuggled with me most of the day, especially when I was crying.
EXERICISE: Walking (unknown miles)
WATER INTAKE: Approximately 20 ounces
WEIGHT: 144 pounds
INITIAL STARTING WEIGHT: 147 pounds (Water fast: 1/20/14 -1/24/14 (5 days))
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