Date:   11/24/2005 2:28:37 PM ( 20 y ago)
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URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=56683

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Hello anonanyone,
I am a 51 year old male in America and have grown up with suicidal depression, so I understand the seriousness of childhood experiences. I also understand alot about pain and sorrow, and your eagerness to reach out to us for INSIGHT (NOT 'help', YOU ARE NOT NEEDY, remember that, self-confidence is very important in recovery) is the ultimate in compassion and hospitality (thank you for inviting us to be of help). The first thing to remember is that many people don't have pains and sorrows and can't really understand your pains and sorrows because they never really had such a bad experience, so they will 'intellectualize' (act like a big shot) because they are only SPECTATORS, not participants, they simply do not have the ability to relate to pains and sorrows. Often, they will get defensive and judgemental, so don't let other people's opinions get you down. Beware of professionals (psychiatrists and such), they need to defend all of their time and money spent on school, lest they declare themselves to be foolish for doing so. Your heart is well intact and your love for your brother is like a medal of honor to say the least, but the most admirable behavior is that you think with the heart and not simply the brain.

Your brother was only a child and, in essence, doing not much more than 'playing doctor'. His remorse and willingness to go to the support group with you is remarkable (I wish I had that kind of family). You used some figures of speech that I'm not familiar with, but when you said "put ourselves last", I understood that as the 'Nice guys finsh last' principle (meaning that people use our kindness for weakness and walk all over us). We should never really change that 'niceness', but we should realize that we should not make ourselves TOO available and convenient for other people (because, well meaning or not, MOST people simply do not have the finesse and sensitivity not to walk all over us). I was a 'nice guy' all my life, and even my mother and little sister (team) refused to actually respect me as a human being. The worst part about being convenient is that you learn to AVOID them and that completely ruins any relationship.

My brother died about twenty two years ago, but I wrote a poem about 4 years ago and had a dream within that same week that I wrote it. I couldn't remember anything about the dream when I woke up except that my brother smiled at me. The poem was about a 'fantasy' funeral and the memories I wish I had of an imaginary buddy (I never planned to specifically write that, just anything at all, it was from my subconscious). Memories can last a lifetime, even if you don't know they're there. Eight years after I went to my brother's funeral, I woke up expecting to meet him at a restaurant for lunch. It took me ten minutes to realize that I couldn't, but it wasn't out of my subconscious until it ended up on paper 10 years later. So, GRIEVE on paper, mourn yourself, let your sorrows and pains become legitimate. It was more chidish reckless behavior than actual betrayal, but the heartache/heartbrake is just as real, a piece of you was lost (your dream), so mourn yourself,...your grief is just. Writing the actual memory would be morbid, but write about a destroyed dream of 'family security' or your sorrows and pain.










 

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