Date:   12/26/2007 8:28:03 AM ( 18 y ago)
Hits:   4,348
URL:   https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1070468

1 readers agree with this message.  Hide votes     What is this?

I'm quoting a passage in your original post: "I have loved so dearly and been hurt so badly,not sure I can do it again"

Not to sound harsh (and, I really mean that), but in reference to that quote, do you honestly believe that you are the only human being on this planet to have ever loved, lost, and endured the pain of loss? Your constant reference to sexual gratification and your "fear" of intimacy may be causing you more harm than you realize. Sex does not equal love or solve relationship issues - it merely places those issues on hold, often exacerbating the issues because there are deep-rooted feelings associated with that temporary physical event.

Hatred is an emotion that I have long since decided was not helpful to me - the people that I might have hated would never really even be aware of my feelings and hatred is similar to a coveted bone that a dog gnaws on. It becomes the central focus of a useless, negative, and unproductive emotion that solves nothing and creates so much negativity that it becomes an addiction. That bone of hatred begins to worry us, even in our sleep, just as if it were a dog's bone: where is it? is it safe? will it be there tomorrow? what will I do if it isn't there anymore?

Anger can be productive and positive if expressed and processed in a productive and positive manner. Maintaining and nurturing anger may seem easier than setting it aside, but I promise you (from personal experience) that anger is a greedy associate and requires constant attention and even more continuous feeding. Initially, setting anger aside seems so difficult because it IS - it has become an addiction, as well, and there are so many excuses to hold on to such negativity. For me, it was, "But, he did those things on PURPOSE!" Regardless of that fact, Truth tells me that maintaining anger is emotionally crippling and utterly self-serving for my behaviors and choices that could easily be excused on my anger issues. "Gee, sorry I said all of those hateful things to you, but I was angry." That duck just doesn't fly and it's childish to try to force it to.

I would gently suggest (perhaps, urge) that you place relationships (physical AND emotional) on the back burner and seek to work out some of these issues. Not only are you continuing to damage your Self, but you are damaging the people that you are having your flings with - THEY may be seeking intimacy and confusing "intimacy" with physical gratification. I would then suggest that you find something to interest you that does not involve sexual activity or a pursuit of intimacy - serving at a soup kitchen, assisting in Habitat for Humanity, or some other activity associated with GIVING. Give of your Self for the benefit of others for a while. Try viewing every aspect of the world through the eyes of a starving child or a homeless veteran for a while. Open the windows of your heart to those who are in dire need and do it as an emotional exercise so that you can experience the benefits of agape (unconditional) love.

Yes, you have been damaged by your past experiences. Haven't we all? But, your self-destructive view on relationships, intimacy, love, and hatred will leave a wake of intentional damage if you choose to continue in your current pursuits of abating the immediate needs/wants in lieu of the tough work of healing the Self. You are not the first person to have had their heart broken, nor will you be the last, and to excuse your choices (from fearing intimacy to using people to fulfill immediate gratification) on having loved so dearly and having been hurt so badly is simply selfish.


For me, it was very scary to risk my Self and open up to the possibility of a partnership with ANYone. It took recognizing that the world was NOT all about me to help me take the first steps in healing, though I'm still finding those emotional potholes on my healing path.


Once you have recognized (and, accepted) that your hurt and past events are no different from those of billions of other human beings, you may be able to start to define the issues that have allowed you to use past events as excuses to avoid intimacy and inflict damage on others because of your fears.

Best wishes to you in the New Year.
 

<< Return to the standard message view

fetched in 0.05 sec, referred by http://www.curezone.org/forums/fmp.asp?i=1070468