Seasons

a few more words about my story:


A year ago I moved into my place. The basement of a gorgeous Victorian house Beautiful neighbourhood,quiet streets lined with immense trees. Birds and sqirrels all over the place and friendly dog walkers at any time of day or night. May sounds like paradise...

At this time I was not deeply depressed yet but dangerously getting there. Honestly I can count on my fingers the number of time I've been out socializing since last september (must have been forced!) I had absolutely no desire to walk around and introduce myself(like my former balanced self would have done easely). Going to work was getting harder and I kept calling in sick. Can you believe I refused a flight to Rome cos I wanted to stay home an binge!(never been to Italy yet!)

This winter, all Ive been wanting to do was to hide in my bunker, in my opinion the only space free from danger, my bed being the safe island. Sometimes there would b a knock at the door and I'd go totally paranoid (I had been talking about suicide with my doctor and was scarred he would send the police to get me!) ...whomever it was I didnt have anything remotely interesting to tell them, so I'd hide under the cover and wait.

Spring came and went, didnt change a thing. As far as I was concerned, the end of the world was the best thing i could think of! Being around people was painful.I couldnt bear having eyes watching me...behind the eyes comes the brain and with the brain, cruel judgment. I was feeling disgusting, unfit for the world.

Being by myself was so much easier. In my appartment I coverred all mirrors so I could nearly make myself believe that I WAS not...that I did not exist, that this was only somebody else's bad dream. Binging every day, sometimes more then once would keep my mind and body numb and slow...any kind of activity was not an option.

I didnt have any hope that things could ever change back. I felt stuck, just wanted to die but was too much of a coward to make it happen. The shame of being what I had become was to heavy on my shoulders. After studying posibilities, giving up eating for good was my plan but i'd never last more then 6 or 7 days. Then the bottomless hunger that no amount of pasta and pecan pies could satisfy. Vicious Vicious circle.

I dreaded summer so strongly. The time of year where one should be bubbly and "out there". With my bleak mood, I was an insult to the bright season.

THANKYOU for listening to me. I do NEED to share those difficult memories...get them off my chest!(they r still so close)

Now that automn is on its way, I can say that i'm coming back to life. Please, let me say it again! I am coming back to life!

Im still working on keeping busy, spending some time outside, finally meeting people from my community. Many times Ive been asked if Ive just moved in!(I tell them i had been busy with work!) It does feel good to have proper human contact again. My late landlord's wife has now become a close friend. She too had some hard times and want to move foward, shes positive and got some good energy, she's inspiring.

Eating or not eating is still a great source of anxiety but the ED hospital programm will be a great help. One thing at the time Ill get back...

To anybody who's going through similar experiences...hang in there and please seek or accept help.

This too shall pass

Sof*
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