You sound like your really struggling and i know this isn't easy...
The important thing to know is that your going to be ok.
You won't understand this now, but you will.
Don't try to dive in to understand it all cause you won't,
but one day it will make more sense to you.
You are loved -- you'll know this too and realize that
altho things seem bad, they are actually serving you and later you'll see
that iti happend to make things work out for the better..