better day!

BlacknGold, Magic_glitter, Thanks for your nice words and ciao Bella!

By now Im comming to the evidance that there isnt a magic solution to Depression and bulimia...well they may not b magic but the solutions are all there!

today Im feeling much more positive. Thanks God, it has been a while. I am not so sure if the relief comes from the valium or my own mind/doing! Ill take it one day at the time...1 hour at the time I should say!

I use to HATE the thought of taking medication...I grew up "granola fashion",good for me my mum was into angels, reike healing, vegetarian way of life and so on...

For many years I traveled in india, going from a yoga school to another, cultivating peace and balance. My time in asia has been the best in my life so far. Everytime I would come back to quebec or europe to earn a litle more money I would rebel against out western ways and get mildly depressed...only the thought of going back to mother india would keep me going...and by the time I'd hop on the aircraft Id be a real mess!

Already we can see some patern of binging and purguig...india was my solution to get ridd of that dirty dirty energy I'd been feeding on over here.

Then got a job with a major airline, a chance to see the world and earn a living...a taste of stability. But I can clearly see that my situation has been geting from bad to worst over the last 4 years. As high and extatic I'd get when I'd back pack around, as low and unmotivated I'd get over here...

But still I'd do my best to keep it together...do lots of yoga between flights...until the major break down in january.(I talked about it bfore)

since then the binges have been getting worste and worste...I dont even have the nerve to tell u what id have...never thought Id get that far...that low!

when I say to my mum "I have enough now!!" she kindly answers me "No,you havent had enough still u r still doing it!" Amazing the amount of pain the humain can self administer!!!

But to come back to today...I went for a walk this morning...and believe me this is something as Ive often spent 48h in a row in my bed lately...good thing my cat has a loud voice so he'd get me out of my "coma" to get some food!
Bless him, he is my litle prince, the best thing I could have got myself during that hard time. Whenever I get too anxious or feel like Im gonna lose it again I take a moment and just look at him...my cat is a miracle!

the box of bran flakes is doing well, I find it very reasuring to look at it from time to time without feeling any urges...the last few months there was not any safe food...even breathing was a crime to me!And Im now working on finding some alternatives ,hope u can understand what I mean.

U r right, small goals is the key...I must keep myself from wanting to change the world cos the moment Ive got a litle energy I usually make too many rules...than crash soon after...

havent heard from the hospital yet...everyday I dread that theyll call me in for tomorrow...but I do know it is a matter of days only since Im on the very top of the wait list(took me 5 months to get there)

Bless you all, thank you for listening, feel free to share your own ups and down!

sophie* Tweet