My battle with anorexia

(Also posted in the: "my story" thread)

Like a lot of girls, I was influenced by the media, pretty models and the skinniness that surrounded me (it didn't help I towered above most girls with my 5'10.") I was a loner (I had different interests and dressed differently than fellow students, so I was pretty much an outcast all my school-life, hence my nickname.)

My self esteem wasn't very high. Then I decided to do something about it: I took up martial arts, worked out and adopted a healthy lifestyle. I learned about how many calories there were in every product. In all my enthusiasm, I became obsessed and got down to eating only 300 cals a day. I weighed myself multiple times a day. I read a lot of books to divert attention from food. And I became really skinny. Skinny enough that I noticed every little ounce of fat (which I lacked) on other skinny girls. Maybe I wasn't as popular as them, but atleast I could be skinnier. And felt good, despite my best friends + families concerns. Looking back, I see I was mentally messed up.

Then my periods stopped. I went to the doctor, who was shocked when he saw me. (at my last visit I was curvy, so to say) And while I had cunningly talked around all my loved one's comments, he was able to talk me in a corner and have me admit what I was really consuming during the day. He labeled me with anorexia. The fact an M.D said it opened my eyes.

I adopted a healthier diet ever since. Learned about juice fasting in combination with water and did that. I felt fantastic afterwards, but ended it the wrong way (also my parents were being pushy and got me to eat) And that was when the trouble started. My stomach, appetite, whatever you may call it awakened like a roaring lion and I started binging on the weirdest things. Muesli, I'd eat bowls full of it. Bread, pasta, pizza: something I'd rather die than eat first was being consumed in huge quantities. I went out and bought a lot of food (and the fact I lived on my own didn't help securing my weakened boundaries.) Ofcourse I tried to compensate by working out. But you can't beat 4000+ cals with one or 2 rigorous workouts. I became really good in hiding all this from my parents with excuses I was with friends and replacing the consumed food from the fridge and cupboard with newly bought ones.

Then, for a brief period (call it inspiration from god) I got a hold of myself and went on a healthy Diet full of veggies, protein and all things wonderful. Then I went on a internship to London and lost myself again. (If you've ever been to London and notice how much yummy calorie-laden food there is you understand) Now I'm doing a waterfast to cut my boundaries with food in an extreme way. I've always been a person of extremes, and this is sort of me giving the finger to my excessive lifestyle. I'm vowing to keep a healthy lifestyle after ridding my body from all the junk. A new blank page in my black book of failures.

There, you have my story. It was a long and probably boring read, but I wanted to share my experience with you. I never threw up (doesn't mean I didn't try, but somehow I just couldn't do it.) I will keep you posted on how I'm doing after my fast and if it helped me cut my ties with my excessive lifestyle. I hope to really become HEALTHY in the full meaning of the word. Pray for me that I succeed.

Be well!
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