Gotta Love Yourself even when you get it wrong

“So That You May Be The Sons of Your Father In Heaven!”

Matthew 5:36 You may not take an oath by your head, because you are not able to make one hair white or black.

37. But let your words be simply, Yes or No: and whatever is more than

these is of the Evil One.

38 ¶You have knowledge that it was said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

39 But I say to you, Do not make use of force against an evil man; but to him who gives you a blow on the right side of your face let the left be turned.

40 And if any man goes to law with you and takes away your coat, do not keep back your robe from him.

41 And whoever makes you go one mile, go with him two.

42 Give to him who comes with a request, and keep not your property from him who would for a time make use of it.

43 ¶You have knowledge that it was said, Have love for your neighbour, and hate for him who is against you:

44 But I say to you, Have love for those who are against you, and make prayer for those who are cruel to you;

45 So that you may be the sons of your Father in heaven; for his sun gives light to the evil and to the good, and he sends rain on the upright man and on the sinner.

46 For if you have love for those who have love for you, what credit is it to you? Do not the tax-farmers the same?

47 And if you say, Good day, to your brothers only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the Gentiles the same?

48. Be then complete in righteousness, even as your Father in heaven is complete.

We often expect too much of ourselves. We know we are not perfect. We make mistakes. However, we sometimes feel so angry and frustrated (with ourselves) when we don’t measure up that we make ourselves unhappy. We all need to learn to like ourselves more. The Bible tells us how; (how we can walk in the Love of Jesus, or how to otherwise . . .) walk in love.

Jody was an example of a person much too self-critical. She was a competent and efficient secretary. She kept her department running smoothly. We all depended on her in crisis situations, and she usually came through. Still she constantly criticized herself. “I’m just not good enough,” she once told me. “I’ve been able to pull through so far. But if you really knew how little I know and how incompetent I am, you would just hate me.”

I tried to reassure her, pointing out how grateful we all were to have her with us. It didn’t seem to help.

“Doesn’t the Bible tell us to be perfect?” she responded. “I know ho imperfect I am. I am just helpless.”

“Let’s turn to that passage,” I said. ”It teaches a worthwhile lesson, and it will make you feel much better.”

We all get down on ourselves at times. But when we make a habit of self-criticism, we can make ourselves sick. Some of us, like Jody, are perfectionists. We drive ourselves crazy insisting on flawless performances, and we make life impossible for our friends and family as well.

The Bible has an important lesson for us on this matter.

In the passage from Matthew, Jesus presents a startlingly new idea of perfection. He begins by reciting a familiar Jewish law: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” This is the rule for justice. It is a rule most of those reading this would agree with. Everyone wants to see people punished for their crimes. It is only fair that criminals get what they deserve.

Surprisingly, Jesus wants to replace this rule. We should love our enemies, he says. We should pray for those who persecute us. In giving this new rule, Jesus presents a formidable challenge. It is easy to love our friends. It is easy to love the lovable. Loving unpleasant people is a challenge. Loving people who mean to do us harm seems impossible. We would rather have justice. We want the satisfaction of seeing our enemies punished.

Like most of Jesus’ teachings, this lesson works on many levels. (We could call it a “hidden lesson,” or a “hidden truth” within the scriptures, as soon as we learn . . .) We can apply this meassage to our inner life (or our inner self) as well as to social situations. Here, too, it is a challenge.

Many psychologists believe each of us has a “dark side.” (The Bible calls this, the inner man.) We have hidden within us desires and impulses we fell (or know) are wrong. Like Jody, some of us tend to exaggerate our imperfections and faults. We see only our darkness and ignore the goodness that also lives within us. (When we do that . . .) we become our own worst critic. Sometimes we even become our own worst enemy.

If Jesus’ teaching applies to our inner life, then he is asking us to love our inner (man, as if it were our inner . . .) enemy. He is asking us to love our dark side, the side of us that is unpleasant and perhaps even nasty. He wants us to (admit that we have an “inner man,” rather than deny that the “inner man” exists, and . . .) be kind to that part of ourselves that makes mistakes and leaves us feeling foolish or guilty.

What a challenge! It is easy to love ourselves when we are successful and strong. It is easy to be our own best friend when we’ve done something heroic. But how can we love ourselves when we are weak, when we are failing, or when we are messing up our lives?

Jesus’ lesson is a great relief. He demonstrates that love differs from justice. If we were to apply the rule of “an eye for an eye” to ourselves, we would always be condemning our actions and thoughts. But this is not the rule to use. Instead, we must learn to love our inner enemy, just as we must love our outer enemy. (Look closely and you’ll find that the entire series of teachings in this section of Matthew is based on walking in love, and trying to “use the right rule, or God’s rule,” rather than the ordinary teachings that are “of the world.”)

Jesus’ message is clear – love allows imperfection(s). God send his refreshing rain on all the people of the earth. The perfection of God’s love comes to us even when we do not deserve it.

Jesus’ call is to this same perfection ( . . . if we are to become “Sons of God.”) We can be spiritually perfect (only!) by loving ourselves even though none of us is perfect in the objective sense.

Of course we do not condone injustice. Loving an enemy either within or without does not mean allowing that person to hurt others. We must treat an enemy as we would treat a friend. If a friend were doing wrong, we would ask him to stop. We would try to understand the reason for the action. We would offer to help. We would try to help correct the wrong, rather than ignore it.

In just the same way, we must treat our inner enemies. We must try to understand and confront our faults rather than ignore them or (try to) cover them up. We must also learn to forgive the imperfections we have and resolve to do better. (This is why one of the oldest of teachings has always been that of praying daily, and being sure to also practice daily repentance as we seek God’s will for our lives.)

From: “How to Like Yourself,” in Healing Wisdom From the Bible, by James E. Gibson, Ph.D., A Dell Book, pages 12-16