Actual Headlines?

I was looking back through my own forum and ran across this forgotten little jewel I posted in January 2005:

THE YEAR'S BEST
[ACTUAL]
HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[remember, front to back, front to back!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse!
to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[that ought to keep him off the street!]

War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group !
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[maybe NASA should rethink the beans & weiners space meals!]

Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks
[taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[that was really giving of himself!]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[beware the Truant Officers with chainsaws!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[probably mad about the 6 1/2 foot doors!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

:- ) Tweet