I DID IT! 48-hour fast

Hi, everyone,
I could not post during the fast I have just done because I was in transit to Europe. But I started Mon. 8 30 am and fasted until Weds 8 30 am US time of course which was 2 30 pm Germany. Actually I am feeling slightly bad right now and have to get something off my chest. Laugh at me if you want, but it is important to me. I remembered as I wrote that that I actually started at 8 33 am and am not sure I fasted until 2 33 pm today. OK. I just had to say that -- I think because I want to maintain a really high level of respect for my fasting. it is so important to me. I am afraid people will yell at me for this. But it is important to me. It does occur to me that being so demanding of perfection could be dangerous in that it might make me discount the fast altogether and use that as an excuse to get into stuffing-myself type of behavior -- compulsive overeating, food addiction, which I am fasting to combat, since it does heal that condition for me. Especially fasts of 3 days or longer.
So. With this fast, what I did was, started on the day before my plane trip. This was a really lonely experience. I was in a lot of emotional pain and real fear and feeling lost from loneliness. This was partly because I decided to pack up my laptop Wednesday (as I think it was). So I could not get on line at home and could not check in to this forum. But I find that sometimes checking in makes me forget my own inner resources and focus on the difficulty. So I might have felt almost as bad even if I had been able to check in. But I do believe that generally checking in DOES help and is the right thing. I just have not got it quite right yet. I really just need to work on my connections with others in all ways. I have had a hard time doing this because of others' negative attitudes to fasting. Anyway.
So... the fast did not get hard/I did not get sick until about 40 hours into it. This was embarrassing and scary, in that I was worried about being rejected or harshly treated by others, because I was in public... on a plane... but I just stayed with it!!!! And something great happened.... the sickness PASSED. I just sat there eating cups of ice, because that disciplines you to take the water in slowly. Once I had a lemon wedge in some water. Once I put a salt packet (containing all manner of horrible things, I know) in some water -- the net effect of which didn't seem to be so bad, however. So the sickness passed at about the 45th hour. Only 5 hours of feeling bad. And it wasn't (it never is) even that bad. But it passed and I was back to feeling quite normal. I mean, I didn't feel completely healed as a Person, or anything, and clearly I could have and want to fast much longer fasts, for the healing I need, but I will get there by gradually lengthening these short fasts!! I will! ... I think that what was happening was this: about the 45th hour, I made the decision to break the fast at any time after that point. So... my body was prepared and in readiness to tolerate food... but this was MAINLY because I was PREVENTED from actually breaking the fast for another 3 hours (making a total of 48 hours: 1 1/2 hrs. longer than last fast, and I think 5 hours longer than the first fast I chronicled on this forum. I think I have made these 3 fasts on this forum: 43 hours, 46 1/2 hours, and now 48 hours.) I was prevented by simply being out of reach of any food and burdened by my 50 pounds plus of luggage. Saved by my baggage! I was in a situation in which there were simply more vitally important priorities than eating, for I was only desiring eating addictively, to repress my feelings. But my body had a chance to prepare and so the eating was not the usual violent painful self-hurling at the food before I am really ready (even Sunday's 200-calorie, gentle break of fast was taken in this too-abrupt manner).
... Basically, I am engaged in fighting total panic mode when I fast. I tense up and all I can think about is how much I hate fasting. I really have to fight hard to stay on it. I know that it really helps to report things like this to a supportive group. The next time it happens it will be easier perhaps. Though it is difficult to share about it in a way that is really vulnerable and totally open and thus "effective." I really want to work on this.
The bad news is: I was SO prepared for food that the calorie count (as measure of QUANTITY of food) for this break of fast was like at least 550 calories; hell, what was it actually??? I have been repressing it. Let me figure it out. Hang on a second. .... yeah, 560 calories. And that was a really violent slam of food. I was in torment afterward. I was exhausted from the overnight flight, and I was severely bloated from the food; and I could hardly speak or think. I was in the painful state of hyperventilation from this compulsive overeating. I was in horrible pain. And all I could think about was eating AGAIN, later on, which I have just done, 510 calories. I waited only 3 1/2 hours between these addictive food-slams which were so horrible and painful in thier effects. God, i hate doing that to myself. I will have to figure out the way not to. I am grateful to be able to write about it to this forum.
So.... my next fast, and its fast-breaking plan. I was helped simply, by being still sick, when I broke the fast before this one, to break it as gently as I did. Also I was with my sister and her husband the whole day. And so I did not eat. It was easy to refrain from eating, as I needed to do, when I had structure and company. If only I could find this whenever I needed it.

When am I going to fast next? I guess I will try to make it a 54-hour fast since that has been my goal. I will probably not eat anything too toxic before the next fast. Oh by the way. Bad news -- I ate -- so horribly painfully -- froyen yogurt on this past Tuesday. i am quite devastated by this. I determined to get an icecream maker and just make my raw, natural substitute (TOUCH of guar gum, Stevia, almond butter whipped in water: this ought to soft-freeze acceptably...) ... but even now -- even after totally being wasted on that stuff and wasting an entire day when I could have and should have been engaging in life, in art school, where i am only one day a week, even now, i just feel no fire of willingness to stay away from the stuff. Despite that it hurts me; it destroys me. I have this what's the point attitude. I felt a bit of that same bloated-suffering-can't move-can't speak sickness this afternoon after slamming myself in the break of fast. I feel it now. With froyo it is worse... but I still feel total despair and worthlessness for not being able to do anything besides... get wasted on food.

So... back into the solution... I recognize myself for trying to share about this most vulnerable topic. I am ADMITTING IT: I really hurt myself today! I made myself into a vegetable! I have been wasted now for 7 1/2 hours. It isn't the sober, gentle experience of my last fast. Shit!!!!
... when will my next fast be? Maybe in about 4 days or 5 days. 5 seems too long and 4 too short. I don't know what to do. But I have got one task I know -- to make a fast-breaking plan that really works. The PROBLEM comes when I actually wait until I am well enough to eat... then I am compulsed to slam myself. And I destroy everything about my life and personality. I was unable to do the simplest life tasks today. Make a really important call about a living situation. I am so tired of food-slamming myself and being a wasted, worthless drunk (food-drunk).
OK, now I have to try to make this call. Probably I will noe be able to. But I guess I just really wanted to try to share openly, vulnerably, effectively, as much as I could do so, and thus make a positive change in my life. I cannot keep slamming myself with the food. I have got to make it my first priority not to do this. I have got to figure out how not to. I hope that I can write tomorrow about this but am not sure I will be able to -- shit. Cause my wifi isn't working. God damn it. Sorry to speak harshly. But this is how I feel. Hope there isn't a censor here and this message gets delivered,
Hope to talk with you soon,
Lauray



This fast was only 3 days after my last fast, the one I succeeded in breaking (relatively) gently for the first time. I felt the need to fast again soon, and I was able to do this. Ordinarily I am not able to get myself to undertake even a short fast Tweet