Re: baby is always tired

From an answer I wrote earlier (written to a mom who has a son, but equally applicable to boys and girls):

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The most important thing you may not be aware of: in essence our kids are like reservoirs of emotion/energy. If you look at him, he's constantly doing something. He's full of energy, and if you try to replicate everything he does, you'd probably drop dead tired after less then an hour. This is because everything kids do, makes them re-fuel those emotional reservoirs. Every kiss they recieve, every bit of food they put in their mouth on their own, every laugh that happens, every little button they push on their toys, every little thing they produce - it all fills them up with some kind of feeling. And that's the fuel that gives them life. Just to illustrate: during the course of history, a few attempts were made at finding out what would be the babies' "natural" or "primal" language. So abandoned newborns were collected and they were fed but nothing more - no communication of any kind, not even eye contact, just to see what would be the language those babies will develop.

And can you guess the results?

All those babies quickly died, even though they were healthy. Maybe that would explain the SIDS. No emotional stimulation is a death sentence. Empty emotional reservoir means - death. It's no joke. So when we allow our kids to be happy, to participate in daily things, to laugh, to play, to run, jump, wrestle with us, take our important stuff and then we have to chase them around the house while they are screaming with joy (like my son does with my glasses), we are actaully letting them re-fill their emotional reservoirs. And as soon as we forget about that most important need (remember that it is more important then food, as kids can survive without food longer then without emotional stimulation), there is the alternative - any emotional stimulation, including a negative one, is better then none.

So they start looking for ways to make you angry, nervous, and even trying to get a slap on a wrist or a little yelling going on. That also refills their reservoir, but with negativity; but it will keep them alive. And that determines whether they will be happy or miserable adults one day. (or they may become needy and helpless, just like adults who don't know how to "recharge their batteries" and become sick!). All these people who are on drugs, alcohol, in abusive relationships, in bad jobs and so on have one thing in common: they havent' learned to fill their "emotional reservoirs" with good stuff. They just don't know how to do it because they were never given any good examples. So simple yet so important.

There was an important experiment done a while ago, with two groups of rats. One group was only given food and water and absolutely no other stimulation, while the other was given all the same, except they were given one type of stimulation - painful electric shocks. The first group of rats that was given only food and water died very quickly. This second group which suffered electrical shocks, lived much longer. This goes to prove that even negative emotion (pain, suffering) is "better" for our survival then no emotion at all. It is a miserable existance, but existance none the less.

This explains all the misery in this world. If people don't know how to recharge their batteries with positive experiences, they will have to do it with negative ones (otherwise they die!). This is a matter of amigdala, the reptilian part of our brain, the part that only has one goal in mind (besides participating in creation of memory): to keep you alive. Hence agression is super hard to control as it's a matter of life and death, quite literally (for those people who are "running on empty"). Makes one wonder what would this world look like if all these politicians, ministers, generals and so on had good sex with person they love, participated in senseless fun, watched comedies all day and so on...

Hence, I always have in mind that if my son is behaving negatively, that's a sure sign that he's running on empty - either his batteries were exhausted by something that is bothering him, like teeth coming out or a diaper rash (which we treat by squeezing that oil from vitamin E pills on the irritated area), or he's ready to sleep; or no one played with him for too long. Also, I make it a point to do something good for him when he's not asking for it - like pick him up and go to do something together when he wasn't expecting that (that way he doesn't have to always pull me by my pants to pick him up and knows that he is important to me).

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Your daughter is running on empty. Most if not all answers which hit the nail on the head (and identify the poster as root of the problem) end up being attacked or rejected. Please, try to understand that it is your responsibility how your daughter behaves. Just one observation which you made is making it clear that you are not taking her needs seriously: the thing about waking her up early so that she wouldn't sleep "too much".

Sleep is the most important thing for all of us, especially kids. If you lack osensitivity to her needs in that area, you probably can't percieve many of her other needs. I am not trying to blame you here - we all behave as we were taught; the thing is - many times what we were taught, or what we think is the best for our children is simply not good for them. Don't think of your daugther as a nuisance who needs to go to sleep early, and who needs to be trained to behave certain way. Think of her as a woman in a 2yr old body, who needs support in order to grow up; and in giving her support, she takes precedence over everything else in life. Don't have time to play with her because you need to cook? Cook something that's faster and/or easier to free up that time! have to sew? How about waiting with sewing until she is old enough to be able to play with friends! And so on...

If you want her to sleep every night at the same time, then you need to make sure she goes to bed every night at the same time! And then, if she doesn't want to sleep then, go with her, and you all sleep at the same time, possibly together or in the same room. My son won't fall asleep alone or even just with his mom; but when we all go to the bed together he falls asleep within a few minutes (usually preceeded by a little cuddling and wrestling with both of us; if he overdoes it, we just quiet down and he lays down too, albeit after trying to find a pose he likes for a while).

Make sure she knows and sees in your actions that she is the single most important thing in your life. Judging from you text, she percieves your groceries, sewing, cooking and other things as more important - and that certainly doesn't make her feel loved at all. That in turn drains her energy and she comes accross as depressed, tired and irritable.

Ask yourself these questions: when was the last time you kissed her (not as a part of some ritual like going to sleep)? Or when did you hug last? Cuddle? Laugh together? Play? When did you ask her to help you out with some house stuff? Do you smother her with love and gentleness, or are you controlling and expecting her to behave certain way all the time?

By now, effects of her bringing up are showing so it may not be easy to put her back on track of feeling loved and welcome in your home. So you may have to try a little harder to attract her to doing things together with you. Make sure you are never critical though: she is a child, and she needs all the patience and attention in this world. And never NEVER assume that if she's not behaving the way you want her, that it means something is "wrong" with her. Maybe something is wrong with your expectations?

Once, a few years ago, I stepped out of my building and there was a little fawn right in front of me. The little thing didn't even notice me, and I loved the sight so I didn't move or even breathe. But her mom was there, a big deer, and she started moving away from me and pushing the fawn; however the fawn started getting really interested in some flowers - sniffing, nibbling and so on... while I watched amazed - they were only a couple of feet away from me. Mother deer was really nervous, she was looking at me, then at her little one, then at me again, but during all that time she didn't bother her fawn to hurry up or anything. She just stood there, watching and making sure everyone was safe. Then all at once, the fawn jumped away in a split second, and mom followed her without scorning her little one.

I'll never forget that lesson in patience. We all need to learn from that example and give at least as much patience and time to our children. Animals seem to know it, we humans have lost it.

Another example of importance of how we treat our kids: a famous psychologist named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross adopted a number of babies who were abandoned because they were HIV positive. Most if not all of those babies were cured very quickly; this was not something that anyone wanted to talk about as it went against the popular AIDS propaganda. In any case, I did read her interview about those kids and she was asked - how do you treat those kids that they recovered from AIDS?

Her answer?

"We just smother them with love"

The best medication for any problem is simply - love.

All the best to you and your little one!

ps. Try to make sure she has enough of omega 3 fatty acid in her food! Trout and sardines have a lot of it, or if you want to avoid fish, you can give her from molecularly filtered pills of omega 3's - just squeeze the oil out into her food. It does a lot of good for the mood, learning and IQ! Tweet