Re: Be very careful when/if leaving an NPD

Absolute gold in the above post!!!  Care is absolutely necessary when leaving the narcissist!

I've posted these sites in several places, but it can't hurt to do it, again:

www.stoptheviolence.org

www.ptypes.com/narcissistpd

www.heartlessbitches.com

Before formulating a plan, it is vital that the "victim" seek counseling (even if it must be done on the sly).  The therapist will be able to help the victim process through from "victim" status to "Survivor" status.  Also, to offer tools, resources, and suggestions on forumlating the plan to leave. 

Then, a divorce attorney that specializes in battered spouses should be retained - yes, this might be a huge expense, but a good attorney will help the court in ordering that the abuser pay for attorney fees.  In addition, an attorney that specializes in abuse cases can have the court order the spouse out of the domicile and file an order of protection/restraining order that the abuser may not contact the victim - if this order is violated, even by a simple phone call, the abuser will be held in contempt and pay a fine, and/or spend some time in jail.

Keep a running log of dates, times, verbatim quotes by the victim and the narcissist, leaving out all emotion or moral monologue - this will be priceless during court proceedings.  DO NOT KEEP THIS LOG ON A MUTUALLY USED COMPUTER OR TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE!  Update this log, frequently, and disperse a number of copies IN SEALED MANILA ENVELOPES to trusted individuals:  supervisor; spiritual leader; counselor; attorney.  Under no circumstances should the log be given to a "friend" or family member - chances are that they have absolutely no idea of the depth of the damage and will be compelled (by the machinations of the narcissist) to "help save" the marriage by divulging any and all information to the narcissist, such as, "I don't know why she wants to leave!  You guys always seemed like the Perfect Couple!"

Begin socking away CASH (nothing BUT cash) in a very secret place - safety deposit box is okay.  Secure a part- or full-time position, even if the narcissist insists that you "don't need to work."  Just DO it, even if it's only 20 hours a week!  ANY income will be helpful to you.

Finally, when you begin formulating your plan to leave, do not - DO NOT - tell anyone, other than your counselor, your attorney, and anyone who will be directly involved (shelter, Social Services, trusted friend/relative).  Do not inform children of any plan - they will talk if pressured and children should not be responsible for bearing such a heavy burden as keeping a life/death secret.  Mutual friends, or people that whose trust are questionable should not be allowed to have an inkling of your plans.  If you are being forced to leave your home with your children, the act of leaving will be the most dangerous time for you - do it in secret, if at all possible.  If not, call the cops, Social Services, your counselor, your attorney, and the New York Times, if you need to!

Above all, remember that you are not the first victim, nor (sadly) will you be the last.  Remember that the person that you were was the person that the narcissist coveted and despised, at the same time.  Your trusting, loving, giving personality was desirous to the narcissist because he/she did not have those attributes.  Those beautiful qualities were despised for the same reasons:  the narcissist is incapable or unwilling of developing/maintaining trust, love, and genuine respect.  They want what they don't have or can't have and they despise those who have what they can't or don't have!

Life is worth living, and living well.  We can (and, do) survive the objectification, degradation, and emotional/physical abuse!  And, as we emerge as a Survivor, we evolve into strength and wisdom personified. 

Best of luck to all out there!