Re: Pixie / long sorry

Dear Libra,

Firstly, don't ever think you're rambling on too much - this is a forum for sharing, as much or as little as you want..(gosh , you should see some of the posts i write!! haha) Also it's only by knowing the full picture that people on here can help us all :-)

It sounds like you have alot more than the average person 'on your plate'. It's hard enough to deal with one major issue in life...but when they all start piling up..it can become truly unbearable for most.
I'm wondering if all your concerns are whirling around your mind all the time. When we do this to ourselves it really is hard to see the light through the trees. I think (and often do myself) it would be helpful for you to deal with one thing at a time. I know that everything is bothering you ALL the time but concentrate mainly on one issue, one by one. Start with the main concern which is harrassing your emotions. You started off talking about your parents. So i'm guessing that they are a preety huge issue! I'm wondering if they are the type of parents who know you will do your own thing regardless of what they say, but they still say it anyway, or whether they are the constant nagging type of parents that won't accept that you can make decisions for yourself and your family. If there is respect....any level of respect between you and your parents, then that is the most important place to start. If you are able to talk to them openly and honestly, i would start by saying something like ''I respect you both and what you have to say/advise......etc....i would like to feel that you both are proud of me and respect me as an adult.....to make my own decisions'' I always find that by entering a conversation in a respectful manner then it helps the course of the conversation.

It sounds like the Cali life is calling you...you obviously are more happier there because you feel like your family are more united without the interference of your parents. I am in the UK and stayed in california for 6 months alltogether....i loved the area, the energy of the place, i found it very freeing in an etheral way, i believe there are some special universal energies to the state.
A year does sound a long time, and if you are desperate to be back there it will feel like a long time too! I would be considering if there are really important factors for not going sooner...are those factors worth holding you up? I'm currently waiting for a sale of land in another country and i want so desperately to be there yesterday, though because of the seasons and paperwork delay it looks like it'll be spring 2007 before we will get there. In the meantime we are working so hard to save up money so we can go there and relax (financially) while we build. I am exhausted...truly....and with each day i think of the place we are buying and the life we will have - it is such a dream that the thoughts help me through each day.

Life always....and shall never fail, to deliver us all stumbling blocks throughout our lives....some tiny...some so huge we fall right over them and seriously injure ourselves - emotionally. I see them all as tests. I know it's so very hard to see the silver lining to everything, but one thought i always float through my mind is that whatever scenario, situation or event that is really killing me has a beginning and an end. In this i mean, our ability to filter it through our consciousness and subsequently enables us to find our spirituality...and strengthen it. There is no one method to dealing with anything...except faith in yourself to honour yourself. Do right by yourself by allowing yourself to hurt...meander....ponder....but let yourself heal. If we cut ourselves we shout 'ouch' then go to the tap to clean it, then get a plaster or some herbal decoction...we dont just let ourselves bleed and ignore the injury. Emotionally we need to tend to things in the same way. Through it all, the end resilt is the beginning of healing those deep wounds that no-one sees, and a strengthening of character and spirituality. By just thinking things over that require action (honest talks with people who have hurt you) it is like you are watching yourself bleed and ignoring the plasters in the cupboard.

One by one....not all at once....start today :-) You have made great progress with losing weight...i have many friends that battle with weight and i know through their experience how very hard it is to shift the pounds...to lose 60lbs in just over a year is incredible!! Just knowing this about you tells me so much that you don't give up easily. Use the strengths you have to help strengthen those emotions which you feel are weakening your love of life.

Just had to mention that my dad...who can be overbearing - he means well but...lol...when i returned from California after 3 months of not seeing me, i was astounded by the change of attitude he showed me. I felt respected by him, he realised i was strong enough to travel the world alone, and remain happy. That relationship has remained now....i think, although your parents will be upset that you will be moving, it could push them up the mountain of love towards you and your family.

As some background for you, i spent most of my teenage years contemplating pain-free suicide (lol), my mom and dad divorced when i was 2 and i was ordered by the courts to live with my alcoholic mother, to witness her being beaten to a pulp every other night by her array of alcoholic boyfriends, they raped her often. The social services didnt mind us living in these conditions. I had to look after her borken body all the time. Buy booze for her..miss school. Razor blades were on the table for cutting drugs. Never any food unless i stole it for my brother and i. I could cook a full roast sunday dinner at 6 yrs old becasue my mother was so neglectful! (I became a survivor so young - to look after my younger brother) At 9 the state realised our environment was neglectful so we were put into a foster home. A meal ticket home...step parents took the state money and neglected to spend it on the intended (7 foster kids!). Bullying at school continued. I got my own place at 16....to look after myself, no-one else was capable. Got a diploma in design and art...learnt the piano, flute...andything i could get my hands on! Explored the beautiful mountains of scotland...drank up california! Stepping stones....that's all experiences are...good and bad. I wouldn't change any experience that has happened in my life.

We are all DIFFERENT. I am fortunate i found a path to heal so young. That path is there for everyone though. Ir takes a while to find it..and alot of work to start walking along it. It IS worth it.

Best of luck dear Libra.
Love Pixe :-)