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Thu May 8, 7:01 PM ET

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By Ted Rall

How Democrats Can Beat Bush in 2004

NEW YORK--Michael S. Dukakis served with honor
in the U.S. Army for two years. Three decades later,
he was ridiculed for riding in a tank while wearing a
helmet and a goofy grin. George W. Bush, a
simian-faced draft dodger, hitches a ride to an aircraft
carrier decked out in full "Top Gun" regalia and CNN
calls dubs him our "warrior president."

Life isn't fair to the Democrats. No matter how much
they suck up to corporate CEOs, they can't compete
for contributions with Republicans who invite their
backers to write legislation. Most registered voters are Democrats, but too many
are disloyal swing voters and apathetic no-shows to assure victory. And even
when Dems do win the most votes, cheating Republicans bully their way into
office.

As things stand, Dems seem poised to get their collective ass kicked in '04. While
unified Republicans aren't even bothering to hold presidential primaries next year,
nine small-time Democrats are vying for the chance to take on a ruthless
incumbent with bottomless pockets. Democratic frontrunners include Joe
Lieberman (news - web sites), a wet-lipped whiner, right-wing even by Republican
standards; John Kerry, a wild-eyed, helmet-haired war waffler doomed to Dukakian
disaster in November; and John Edwards, a rich southerner capable of beating
Bush if DNC insiders could see past his dark trial lawyer past. But it's still early.
Hard as it is to believe now, one of these guys could win. After all, Bill Clinton
(news - web sites) emerged from a similar clutch--the "seven dwarves"--in 1992.

Here's how.

Post-attack America is feeling mean. We've used our pain as justification to kill
thousands of Afghans and Iraqis, but we still haven't touched the bastards who
hit us on 9/11. The recession has killed off millions of jobs, and no one seriously
believes that Bush's tax cuts will bring them back any time soon. Liberals watch
with dismay as the Bush Administration guts social programs, environmental laws
and civil liberties; conservatives beat on lefties for expressing disunity during a
time of crisis. And Americans of all political flavors feel besieged in a world where
most view us as ignorant and bellicose. Kinder and gentler this ain't. The only way
Democrats can appeal to a divided and anxious electorate is by playing mean.

Politics isn't a tea party--it's a bar brawl. The standard Democratic strategy of
politely giving the Republicans what they want in the hope that it will later blow
up in their faces usually fails; voters blame both parties when disaster strikes. This
time around, the Bushies have done Democrats a big favor by marginalizing them.
Calling Tom Daschle a traitor was as much a low-water mark as "Have you no
sense of decency, sir?" was for McCarthyism. Democrats didn't fight back then.
Next year is payback time.

In theory Democrats should be able to beat Bush on the economy, but they won't.
Like Bush, President Reagan ran up staggering deficits during his first term. He
likewise refused to create jobs or to stimulate the economy during a deepening
recession. But thanks to the pageantry of incumbency and a few sound bytes, he
won a landslide reelection over the decent but dull Walter Mondale.

Democrats should beat Bush on his wars, but they won't. Few Americans are
aware that Bush gave up on Afghanistan (news - web sites) a few months after the
U.S. invasion or that the Taliban and Al Qaeda are doing great--and those who
know the truth don't like to think about it. We've transformed Iraq (news - web
sites) from the Arab world's most secular state to a hotbed of revolutionary
Islamism. What matters to most voters, however, is that Bushus Caesar led our
armies to victory against two adversaries in under a month each. Who cares that
neither nation had an air force? People frazzled by the looming specter of terrorism
want to think they're winning. "Sure, Bush is a prick," a liberal friend tells me. "But
he's our prick."

The lesson: besieged Americans want to be led by ass-kicking meanies, not
mild-mannered milquetoast moderates.

Democratic leaders ought to select their nominee in a smoke-filled room, call off the
expensive and divisive primary process and order all other comers to stand down.
Forget the union rallies, the badges and the buttons--whoever wins the
nomination should invest every dime he can raise on the cruelest TV attack ads
this country has ever seen.

Go after Bush's ultimate Achilles' heel: run countless loops of the inarticulate
Resident's clashes with the English language. "Too dumb to talk," a sinister
voiceover reads. "Too stupid to trust." Use time-proven Republican methods, like
name-calling: Extremist. Out of touch. Tax and spender. Hates workers. Racist.
Homophobe. Corrupt CEO coddler. Idiot. Drunk. Cut to the post-pretzel-incident
photo: "America needs a sober president."

Forget ideas--voters respond to the personal stuff. Dwell on the two years Bush
went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard. "Brave Americans gave their lives
in Vietnam," a 30-second spot should intone as the camera pans over names of the
fallen on the black wall in Washington. "Rich kid George W. Bush deserted. This
coward snorted coke and drove drunk while other kids died." Who doubts that if
Gore had played up Bush's DUI arrest, he would have picked up an extra 500 votes
in Florida?

The stolen 2000 election shouldn't become a clarion call for pity votes--Americans
hate sore losers--but presented as straightforward evidence of Bush's poor
character. Contrast images of Gore's graceful concession speech with shots of the
screaming young hoodlums dispatched by Karl Rove to intimidate Florida election
officials. Remind, remind, remind: "I know I can beat George Bush," Lieberman said
on May 4th. "Why? Because Al Gore (news - web sites) and I already did it."
That's the snotty attitude Democrats need in order to prevail in 2004.

NEXT WEEK: Some advice for the Republicans.

(Ted Rall is the author of "Gas War: The Truth Behind the American Occupation
of Afghanistan," an analysis of the underreported Trans-Afghanistan Pipeline
project and the real motivations behind the war on terrorism. Ordering information
is available at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.)