just starting to face my childhood abuse, after 22 years...

. iam 26 years old. i was sexually abused from around the age of4 up to about 8 i think. by my older brother 7 years older. my brother and i are very close, plus my dad died when i was 4 also, heart attack. so my bro became the man of the house, the one who looked after me whilst my mum worked etc. i recall it starting as a game, thats how it was prtayed. x knew that i had pinched a £1 coin from my other bros money box, that was like the most daring thing i had ever really done. as i was a very timid and retiring little girl. a beautiful little girl. x used that infomation against me, and said if ever i told nyone about our'games' that i would get in trouble, and he would tell about the £1 being stolen. that scard me. bless me looking back. i recall acts with the dog-him, encouragng me to put my hands in his pockets when we were walking along, which had holes in them to his.. plus also i recall the wardrobe being pushed up against the door whilst he touched and explored. those are the only bits i remember. the hard part is that i really love my bro and we are close. that has been the most head +*king thing about it. it all started to hit home when i returned from some travells earlier this year. i had time on my hands and no distractions. i started to get flash backs, which i did my best to ignore, then the most hurrendous nightmres, horrible, couldnt be more in my face, my brain was telling me i had to kook at this wheter i liked it or not. after a few rages, scary mental rages and depression, i plucked the courage to go to the doctor, the biggest step for me so far, i cancelled 3 appoinments before finally going!
i awaited help, was offered help with speacilist, which gave me some hope and then, they couldnt do it, my world collapsed. totally. i was referred to a general counseller. distrought. i wanted an expert in this field only, not someone general! anyway, went to see this-GUY!! useless. i sat there whilst he talked at me! and told me how i felt! i couldnt get a word in edgeways, plus he answered his phone twice throughout our first consultation! can you believe it!. the amount of courage it took to make that step, only to be faced with my worst fear-to feel even more vunreable! anyway. in my 2nd session i told him how i felt which caused me alot of stress previosly. had to deal with many serverley sucidial thoughts between(nothing that new!) but today, have had a ray of light. have recievd some info on a support group that specilzes in this, which is run over a course. it sounds great! i had the to take the day off workt oday as had a bd night last night, had another unconrollable incrediable hulk rage at my bros. first time hes seen it.i roared and screamed about an inch from his face and booted his wardrobe! he takes it.i am lucky that a month ago i was able to tell him what i have been going through, and he has been 110% supportive, it took alot to tell him. took a mini o.d the night i told him(before i told him) sent him a text and we arranged to meet.i didnt take anymore pilss because i thought if i did, i wouldnt be able to talk propalery. he took it well, and like a man. im so glad i did that, because before i was hiding my pain away from him, through fear of i might upset him! how crazy is that? i think us survvers think so much about other peoples feelings, and put ourselves last.
so yeh, i didnt go to work as felt to weak mentally, but my day got better. spoke to my doc, and discussed some temp anti depressants to get my through. i am more than aware they are not the answer, but do not want to risk losing my job through feeling i cant face peope. and plus, have that info on that support group. i cried when i read it. it sounds lkie exactly what i need. its a scarey time, but this provides me with a glimmer of hope. and that makes me feel better in its self. i have been up and down like a yo-yo sicnce starting to look at this.and felt desprately alone, and desperate. its not the sort of thing you can just talk to your friends abot, especially in my case, as my bro and i have similar social groups and friends. i still ahve to protect him, as people will often assume the worst.im glad i spoke to him, because it took away my fears he may be a bit not right in the head. i see that he doesnt know why he did it, and i know the he is hands up for what he has done and has said he will go to these sessions with me, and will do anything for me to make this right.that is v.reasurring! very. i know my brother isnt a pervert just by the way he responded and took full responasibility. he is saddend by what he has done, and is very sorry. i am lucky i can tell my bro how i am feeling, and i know this issue is one of the past, but one that is still very pesent in my mind. and one that needs to be fixed. i know i have a yukky and horrible time to face, but i want to, i want to feel free. and im glad i can show my bro upfront, how this had effected me, im scared im inviting people now to critisise and acuse my bro of things. but until i spoke to him, i was very confused. now i have spoken to him. i see its something that he doesnt understand why he did it, its something hes never done to/thought about to anyone else, and sees himself back then as a boy, and not the man he is now. he is in a happy normal relationship. and is succesful in his work. im so scared someone is going to say something nasty about him, that would kill me. i feel so vunreable . please dont abuse that. i feel like i am asking for it now! but hey, i m being brave. would like to hear how others journeys have turned out. some support and words of encouragment would be greatly recieved Tweet